Surviving SN: A year later

[Kayla]

So today is May 16th, which means it has been a whole year since I took SN. A whole year since I locked myself in the bathroom with police outside. A whole year since I scooped roughly 7g into a lemon fanta bottle and chugged it. A whole year since I had a cardiac arrest and had CPR for 25 minutes. I've had a lot of time to reflect on that day and the weeks after, and what happened. I still don't 100% know what fully happened that day, but I've found out bits and pieces and continue to discover things. For one, I got taken to the hospital by road when I originally thought they had taken me by air ambulance. The air ambulance was in attendance, and they intubated me at the scene, but they didn't take me to the hospital, which I was surprised at. I have a lot of trauma from what happened and a lot of what-if questions I will never get answers to. When I got discharged from the hospital, I reordered the SN twice. For some reason, the crisis team knew I had ordered it again, and to this day, I don't know how. They only knew about 1 order, so I just gave up a bottle of SN and kept the one they didn't know about. I wish I had never ordered it again, but I can't get rid of it.


If I had died that day, I would have missed out on so many things. Getting my 2 cats, making some great friends on here, going on adventures, getting tattoos, getting tickets to a concert, turning 21, getting my drone licence, getting a brand new pc setup, finally getting the support I deserved, and most importantly, getting my driving licence back. I remember being on that hospital bed and thinking that my life was over, that I would never get my driving licence back, and that I would never recover from the damage I did to myself, but I did, and while it wasn't easy, I pushed through, and here I am today.

On the other hand, if I did die on that day, there are things I would be happy to have missed. Losing a support worker I had for roughly 10 years out of the blue. She sent me a cold text message saying she couldn't see me anymore, and that was that. I almost took the SN over it because it hurt me that deeply. Someone on here also blackmailed me, but I will not go into that. Losing people on here, even if I only knew them for a short time, still cuts deep, and I think about them a lot. I would have been happy to have missed getting a hole cut into my throat, but in the end, it did save my life, so can I be that mad? When I finally got home after the hospital, I found out the people I thought were my "friends" were talking shit about me without even knowing if I was dead or alive. One of them had even received a goodbye note on the 16th, yet still did what they did.

Another thing I need to mention is the amount of invalidation and judgment I have received for sharing my story on here. I really don't need to be asked, "did u not wanna die?" or judgment over how much SN I took. What happened happened, and I can't change it. People are saying that it's because I only took 7g, that's why I "didn't die". I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for 25 minutes while they worked on me. I just didn't stay dead. Or because I didn't fast and didn't take AE or benzos, that's why I lived. None of this is true. The doctors could have called my death at any time. It's not just me who gets invalidated and made to feel like shit; I see it time and time again on other survivors' posts, and it's not fair. Think before you comment.

I live with a lot of survivor's guilt. Seeing people dying left, right, and center because of SN hurts a lot. It should have been me.

Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day.

SN has ruined my life in many ways. I wish I had never touched the stuff.

Lastly, I wanna thank a couple of people. @TomIsNotMyName thank you for being here for me, and I'm so thankful that I was able to help you back in Feb. @Dante_ thank you so much for helping me through tough times. I'm able to speak to you about anything, and for that I'm so grateful. Much love to you both.

 

[Dante_]

thankful that you're still here with us Kayla, im grateful to have your friendship and a reason i survived that day myself back in September. I appreciate you a hell of a lot for all that you've had to overcome to be here.

 

[Aflame5926]

while SN might have ruined you in many ways, you came from far and managed to do many things because of it.
BE PROUD on where you are. BE PROUD on the on the pit you crawled out of it.

don't let other members invalidated your journey. they owe you nothing. its a bit concerning about the blackmail part through.

i agree and disagree on no more SN but that is a conversation for a next thread.

+1 for 1 less suicidel idiot

 

[wine is fine but]

For some reason, the crisis team knew I had ordered it again, and to this day, I don't know how.

did it get delivered by royal mail or courier? my theory is that royal mail, australia post and others are government owned, so if they receive a package from ukraine then the government already know about it

If I had died that day, I would have missed out on so many things. Getting my 2 cats, making some great friends on here, going on adventures, getting tattoos, getting tickets to a concert, turning 21, getting my drone licence, getting a brand new pc setup, finally getting the support I deserved, and most importantly, getting my driving licence back. I remember being on that hospital bed and thinking that my life was over, that I would never get my driving licence back, and that I would never recover from the damage I did to myself, but I did, and while it wasn't easy, I pushed through, and here I am today

i am glad you survived and you have had so many good and memorable things happen for you over the last year

Losing people on here, even if I only knew them for a short time, still cuts deep, and I think about them a lot

it is totally unbelievable how much it hurts, particularly when you do not even know them, just their user name - when you seemed to be away for a few weeks not long ago, i was worried about you. i am glad you came back

Another thing I need to mention is the amount of invalidation and judgment I have received for sharing my story on here. I really don't need to be asked, "did u not wanna die?" or judgment over how much SN I took. What happened happened, and I can't change it. People are saying that it's because I only took 7g, that's why I "didn't die". I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for 25 minutes while they worked on me. I just didn't stay dead. Or because I didn't fast and didn't take AE or benzos, that's why I lived. None of this is true. The doctors could have called my death at any time. It's not just me who gets invalidated and made to feel like shit; I see it time and time again on other survivors' posts, and it's not fair. Think before you comment

sadly, people have no idea at all sometimes. there is so much information out there that does validate everything you have said, yet some still claim your story as a forgery. the fact is, you did die that day, but fortunately were brought back to life. and yet some still think they know better than someone who lived through it

and of course, by continually questioning you, it makes you relive it time and time again. at first you seemed happy to share your story, but even the most charitable of us get sick of having to explain it time and time and time and time and time again

I live with a lot of survivor's guilt. Seeing people dying left, right, and center because of SN hurts a lot. It should have been me.

Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day.

SN has ruined my life in many ways. I wish I had never touched the stuff.

it is hard, but there should be no guilt for you. it should not have been you or you would have gone too. there is no rhyme or reason why many things happen, but you were lucky, and should not feel guilty because of it

sn may have ruined your life in some ways, but perhaps if you didn't take it, you might not have had such positive things happen in the last year, and a new will to live. i hope you keep that will for a very long and happy life

i agree that people are happy to give out the sources too easily, but if one didn't, then i would not have found the source in question. i have not passed it on, and could not ever, but i am grateful that someone gave it to me in the first place

 

[Kayla]

did it get delivered by royal mail or courier? my theory is that royal mail, australia post and others are government owned, so if they receive a package from ukraine then the government already know about it

Courier. It wasn't dsl it came from poland. And what's weird is that I actually ordered SN from there 2 times within a short space of time and they only knew about one of them not both.

and of course, by continually questioning you, it makes you relive it time and time again. at first you seemed happy to share your story, but even the most charitable of us get sick of having to explain it time and time and time and time and time again

It's just the same questions and then people can be really hurtful "why did you take it in front of the police knowing you'd be saved".


Thank you for your nice message

 

[TomIsNotMyName]

I'm so glad that you're still here and I hope that you can get through everything you're going through and stay with us for a long time
You're one of the best people I've ever met on the internet
You are the reason why I'm still alive today

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm glad you're still here. I hope things go more smoothly for you from now on, and that you find more little moments of joy.
I agree with what you said. I do think we should be more careful when asking certain questions… because we can never know in advance what they've been through.

 

[Lost Magic]

Well, I am glad you made it through all that my friend. You have been to hell and back with that attempt (even though 7grams is not the recommended dose of SN). You managed to come through the other side and you have done some amazing things. I applaud you for that! Everybody's circumstances are different on here. Some take comfort in having SN, N, a noose or whatever they have at their disposal then keep going as long as they can. Some people feel that the weight of life is too heavy, therefore, it's no longer worth the struggle. Each individual has their own struggles and circumstances. I will leave it at that. But I wish you well on your continued journey through this game called ... life! Peace

 

[thaelyana]

Congratulations. You are on the beautiful path of healing. This is the most beautiful thing that can happen on Sasu. Congratulations again

 

[Dante_]

I only ask one thing going forward after ive already deleted a few comments, please respect that the op is sharing what they survived, they do not need any rude or unnecessary remarks of any kind. Thank you...