GoSan1
Misfit
- Nov 7, 2024
- 342
(I am sorry if this is a bit of a difficult read, my head really is in a weird spot and thinking is hard at the moment, so parts could be mixed up badly...)
I did not expect to make a post on this forum again, since I was able to beat my suicidal tendencies via finding back my faith in Christianity. But something happened that was able to even get back my suicidal ideation for a short amount of time. And since I see this profile as a sort of diary for stories of my life that involve "suicide" in any way, I wanted to post this.
My whole life, the biggest wish was to find true love and live forever together with this person, even in heaven. (if I were to make it there haha)
Another important key of information is that 24 has been my lucky number since my teenage years. It is the only year I am actually looking forward to seeing how it will pass.
Well, just like that, I one day found someone over Bumble. Someone who was actually interested in me and accepted my flaws. Someone who fits my interests in women and someone who did actually do the first steps. It went nice; we talked about a few hobbies, we met, and skip forward, after a perfect date, she took away my first kiss. It was my lifelong dream to kiss someone I would love and to be with them forever. Right after the kiss, we even saw a shooting star. It was just like a movie. Move on some time, and I even visited her, and we shared a bed. (Not sexually)
I thought it was perfect. I was in love, and I thought that after all these years, 24 actually was the year I'd find love in. But no, life is not that kind. After I opened up a bit regarding my fears and insecurities that I hold, I seemed to have hurt her. In it, though, I understood something that broke me. While I was in love, I thought we were much past getting to know each other; to her, it was more of still getting to know me casually. Our images of where we stand were completely different. This hurt so much, because I would have never gone so far. I wanted to experience all these romantic things with a lover, not a companion... I fear this was my fault, since I immediately thought that this kiss would mean she accepted me, since I even mentioned how important that first kiss would be to me...
But no, it all crashed down. She distanced herself after understanding my fears and how far I thought we were already, and on the night of the 6th to the 7th June (fucking 67, what kind of cruel joke is that?), she sent her answer, in which she wanted to cancel everything and just be friends. The problem is, I see her more than a friend, and I could never stay unless I wanted to torment myself even more. So we shared our goodbyes.
Now here I am, today on June 7th, with the realization that my wish has died out. It's over. I experienced the most vulnerable moments that I wanted to be so special with someone who didn't even love me. Don't get me wrong, it's not her fault, and neither do I blame her or judge her for it. Everyone experiences things differently. But that fact, it hurts. While I still have my virginity, I still felt sad. And that, leaves a despair I havent known before. Less painful, more dark.
What's worse is how little that sadness lasted. I am now slowly back to not even feeling much besides that despair. I went to church to cry out and after a while got kicked out since the church was closing for the day which hurt so, so much since I thought I was denied in faith, but that pain didn't stick to my heart, and I still felt better after visiting. So I doubt it was anything that.
Thus the chapter of my first love ends. And in all honesty, I don't know how I would be able to love again. But it showed me that if you install some dating apps and wait long enough (even years), you will find someone eventually to talk to. How it continues is up to destiny (or God for me). I guess love can be there for anyone who waits long enough.
I hate how little this affects me. But seeing how I avoided hopeless love, I can't help but feel relieved. It feels like my emotions are slowly dying out. As for suicidal ideation, it's gone again. There might be no drive to continue living, but also no drive to end it. I just follow whatever the will of my God is.
Life is cruel. On my most favorite age, it takes away my wish on the dates 6th and 7th June. And now im back to not probably not falling in love again for a looooong time...
I wonder whats next?
I did not expect to make a post on this forum again, since I was able to beat my suicidal tendencies via finding back my faith in Christianity. But something happened that was able to even get back my suicidal ideation for a short amount of time. And since I see this profile as a sort of diary for stories of my life that involve "suicide" in any way, I wanted to post this.
My whole life, the biggest wish was to find true love and live forever together with this person, even in heaven. (if I were to make it there haha)
Another important key of information is that 24 has been my lucky number since my teenage years. It is the only year I am actually looking forward to seeing how it will pass.
Well, just like that, I one day found someone over Bumble. Someone who was actually interested in me and accepted my flaws. Someone who fits my interests in women and someone who did actually do the first steps. It went nice; we talked about a few hobbies, we met, and skip forward, after a perfect date, she took away my first kiss. It was my lifelong dream to kiss someone I would love and to be with them forever. Right after the kiss, we even saw a shooting star. It was just like a movie. Move on some time, and I even visited her, and we shared a bed. (Not sexually)
I thought it was perfect. I was in love, and I thought that after all these years, 24 actually was the year I'd find love in. But no, life is not that kind. After I opened up a bit regarding my fears and insecurities that I hold, I seemed to have hurt her. In it, though, I understood something that broke me. While I was in love, I thought we were much past getting to know each other; to her, it was more of still getting to know me casually. Our images of where we stand were completely different. This hurt so much, because I would have never gone so far. I wanted to experience all these romantic things with a lover, not a companion... I fear this was my fault, since I immediately thought that this kiss would mean she accepted me, since I even mentioned how important that first kiss would be to me...
But no, it all crashed down. She distanced herself after understanding my fears and how far I thought we were already, and on the night of the 6th to the 7th June (fucking 67, what kind of cruel joke is that?), she sent her answer, in which she wanted to cancel everything and just be friends. The problem is, I see her more than a friend, and I could never stay unless I wanted to torment myself even more. So we shared our goodbyes.
Now here I am, today on June 7th, with the realization that my wish has died out. It's over. I experienced the most vulnerable moments that I wanted to be so special with someone who didn't even love me. Don't get me wrong, it's not her fault, and neither do I blame her or judge her for it. Everyone experiences things differently. But that fact, it hurts. While I still have my virginity, I still felt sad. And that, leaves a despair I havent known before. Less painful, more dark.
What's worse is how little that sadness lasted. I am now slowly back to not even feeling much besides that despair. I went to church to cry out and after a while got kicked out since the church was closing for the day which hurt so, so much since I thought I was denied in faith, but that pain didn't stick to my heart, and I still felt better after visiting. So I doubt it was anything that.
Thus the chapter of my first love ends. And in all honesty, I don't know how I would be able to love again. But it showed me that if you install some dating apps and wait long enough (even years), you will find someone eventually to talk to. How it continues is up to destiny (or God for me). I guess love can be there for anyone who waits long enough.
I hate how little this affects me. But seeing how I avoided hopeless love, I can't help but feel relieved. It feels like my emotions are slowly dying out. As for suicidal ideation, it's gone again. There might be no drive to continue living, but also no drive to end it. I just follow whatever the will of my God is.
Life is cruel. On my most favorite age, it takes away my wish on the dates 6th and 7th June. And now im back to not probably not falling in love again for a looooong time...
I wonder whats next?
