hughmun9
Member
- Feb 22, 2023
- 22
I've been getting ready to CTB for the past 2 months. I isolated myself, stopped doing any form of self-care, showering every 3 weeks, 1 delivery meal a day, not going out, just rotting away in bed 16hrs/day. I thought that if I give up on every aspect of life I'll get miserable enough to push me over the edge. I tried FSH in a forest 3 months ago and failed to fully commit. 8 years ago I jumped in front of a train and survived. Now I am putting together an exit bag. I've got most of what I need, still waiting on a regulator and a second nitrogen tank. I also ordered SN from this dodgy site, who knows if that'll ever arrive.
But after watching these NDE videos I'm starting to have second thoughts about my decision to CTB. My thinking is simple. I'm not enjoying life. I don't believe I have the tools to change my circumstances. What's the point of life if you only ever foresee misery? But in some of these NDE stories it's implied that earth is a school of some sort. And that the afterlife is filled with love and peace and bliss, whereas earth is meant to be a 'challenge'.
There was this lady that had an NDE when she was 35, she was a drug addict, both her parents committed suicide together when she was 22. I've seen pictures of her during her addiction days and she looked absolutely miserable. But in her NDE experience she described remembering having 'chosen' those circumstances. And that she was part of 'the transformation of consciousness'. She painfully turned her life around after this NDE and genuinely looks so radiant and full of life now. After 35 years of suffering.
For some reason the idea that there is an afterlife that is all rosy and peaceful where love is abundant and that I have 'chosen' to come to this shitfest to challenge myself or to improve it somehow resonates with me. Although I don't really understand the point of improving earth to begin with since if our existence isn't tied to earth and we can choose not to come here in the first place, how is anyone invested in the state of the earth? Why does the 'level of consciousness' of earth matter?
Regardless, learning about this is making me have second thoughts. Because I'm not enjoying my experience so far but maybe I'm not supposed to? I don't see myself being able to change my circumstances, or if I do, it's going to be a significant challenge with no guarantee of success and a lot of potential misery coming up, but maybe that's what it's meant to be like and I'm meant to just push through? I don't know anymore.
But after watching these NDE videos I'm starting to have second thoughts about my decision to CTB. My thinking is simple. I'm not enjoying life. I don't believe I have the tools to change my circumstances. What's the point of life if you only ever foresee misery? But in some of these NDE stories it's implied that earth is a school of some sort. And that the afterlife is filled with love and peace and bliss, whereas earth is meant to be a 'challenge'.
There was this lady that had an NDE when she was 35, she was a drug addict, both her parents committed suicide together when she was 22. I've seen pictures of her during her addiction days and she looked absolutely miserable. But in her NDE experience she described remembering having 'chosen' those circumstances. And that she was part of 'the transformation of consciousness'. She painfully turned her life around after this NDE and genuinely looks so radiant and full of life now. After 35 years of suffering.
For some reason the idea that there is an afterlife that is all rosy and peaceful where love is abundant and that I have 'chosen' to come to this shitfest to challenge myself or to improve it somehow resonates with me. Although I don't really understand the point of improving earth to begin with since if our existence isn't tied to earth and we can choose not to come here in the first place, how is anyone invested in the state of the earth? Why does the 'level of consciousness' of earth matter?
Regardless, learning about this is making me have second thoughts. Because I'm not enjoying my experience so far but maybe I'm not supposed to? I don't see myself being able to change my circumstances, or if I do, it's going to be a significant challenge with no guarantee of success and a lot of potential misery coming up, but maybe that's what it's meant to be like and I'm meant to just push through? I don't know anymore.
