You ever have a calm attempt?

[Wakawaka]

No tears, no freaking out, you just decided that none of this was worth it anymore

 

[Sebuet]

It's how I plan to do it. Never had an attempt before. I'm sure there could be some tears tho.

 

[checkouttime]

I reckon the member in this thread might be a good person to ask

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-on-short-notice.71827/

they aren't bothered about failing as they have lots of SN they say lol.

I imagine many members aren't here anymore if they were calm and not freaking out. can't see many falling if the y get like that. when a person reaches a certain stage they will just.

I mean i once got off my nut and took insulin (didn't know the method well enough or amount) and i didn't freak out at all just a quick injection,I wasn't a member of this site then so didn't know anything about amounts or methods. being off you nut is a great help when trying to do something !!!!!

 

[FohPah]

Sort of. I played Russian roulette to see what it would feel like. I was calm and didn't hesitate. Immediately after, I started freaking out a little bit over what I had done. But then a wave of euphoria and equanimity washed over me.

I feel like I could kill myself calmly if I'm ever certain that I want to stop living. I'm just not certain yet because I haven't exhausted all options for improving my situation. At this point indecision will be a bigger obstacle than survival instincts.

 

[Jumping_realms]

2 of my overdose attempts were definitely like that. That route may be easier for me because I have abused drugs or something.

Partial I hesitated forever and SI stood me up and I came out of it.

At least I know N will do the job painless and properly.

 

[xaea13]

Sort of. I played Russian roulette to see what it would feel like. I was calm and didn't hesitate. Immediately after, I started freaking out a little bit over what I had done. But then a wave of euphoria and equanimity washed over me.

I feel like I could kill myself calmly if I'm ever certain that I want to stop living. I'm just not certain yet because I haven't exhausted all options for improving my situation. At this point indecision will be a bigger obstacle than survival instincts.

"At this point indecision will be a bigger obstacle than survival instincts." So true. I've also spent so much time waiting and planning for the act (ammo shortage since COVID started, and I didn't wanna mess up trying SN) that finally everything's lined up except my will to actually do it. Just enough to look forward to in life for me to stay on the edge.

 

[Seiba]

I had some partial attempt a while ago with a scarf, just on a whim really. The goal wasn't to die though, and it was physically uncomfortable regardless. I imagine trying to actually die would be harder, but in my day to day I'm largely apathetic.

 

[Pure]

Yeah I was relatively calm when I was sitting next to the bridge I was going to jump off from.

I think I was just mentally exhausted

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Yes, it was one of the most liberating feelings and I finally felt like I had control of something again. Also why I am sort of "pro-partial" while others are strongly against it, when you aren't fighting it, fading into nothing feels kind of nice:,)

 

[littlelungs]

I've made quite a few attempts over the years, most of which were (admittedly) impulsive and largely triggered by extreme emotional pain of my BPD and/or PTSD, but also by severe physical pain that made me want to rip my skin off even more so than usual... so I'd be an absolute wreck leading up to the attempt, but as I was actually right on the edge of carrying it out (such as making a noose, or getting the pills and alcohol ready), I was extremely calm. I think this is due to feeling an immense amount of comfort and security in the mere idea that I was so close to potentially eternal relief, and sometimes just remembering the fact that I *could* control my fate at any time was enough to make me halt the attempt entirely... but even during the times where I truly believed that I was not going to wake up, I was very calm – again, because I believed that I was finally going to be at peace very soon.

Even when the attempts and/or plans were well thought-out and not at all impulsive, such as when I intended to off myself in a hotel room a few years ago (which I fully intended to go through with, but cancelled after I met my now-husband shortly beforehand), I wasn't too emotional about it, other than feeling a strong sense of comfort, which was, again, due to me truly believing that I was finally going to be free.

The next time I attempt (whenever that may be), it will be lethal, hence why I've been planning everything down to the last miniscule detail to ensure that it will work. I obviously don't have a crystal ball so I can't say anything for sure regarding the emotional aspect, but just based on my history, I don't think that I will be too emotional when the time comes for me to get the hell off this planet for good and finally get the peace I've craved for so long. I think that my lack of anxiety about the actual act lies in, yet again, the mere idea of finally not suffering anymore, but also slightly due to the fact that I'm pretty desensitized to the whole thing by now, simply because of how many times I've been on the edge.

I'm so sick of, and quite honestly embarrassed by having so many unsuccessful attempts to my name, partly because of survival instinct, for sure, but also largely due to a lack of proper planning or generally just not knowing any better (at the time) about the lethality/general mechanisms of the methods I went with... but that's a whole other can of worms.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Hmm all have been like that, but one was calmest ever. I never can forget how perfect that calm feeling was before it, I just decided to do it, I knowed it's right thing to do and took my drugs and feeled so relief and peaceful. I miss that feeling and that is way I want to go. No panic or anything.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Yeah... my first attempt... I just decided... no more... I can't do this anymore... I felt fine, at peace... and in control. It was as if everything just vanished. I felt so light. Quite amazing really. It felt so good to feel peace and calm. Although I came close (and as I've mentioned in other threads... I have been told that my heart stopped 3 times apparently - defibrillator used which saved me. However, I ended up onlife support and in a coma.) Unfortunately, death didn't want me at that time...

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Yep. It's a very interesting feeling, and how I would like to go. Tbh thinking about those times now just makes me smile, a 'dark' smile. Comforting to think about.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

yes mine usually are

 

[hʚll]

i wish to go like that. i want to die smiling knowing that this painful existence is ending. but i'm too anxious and i would probably cry so much from the trauma of having existed and lived until then

 

[flagmaster]

Not me. I only ever plan on having one solid attempt. The thought of failing an attempt is scary, especially the potential aftermath it could cause. I live with reasoning with my thoughts. I am becoming more numb in my day to day life. My emotions are triggered by thinking about who I would leave behind and the impact my loss would be to them, even though I wouldn't even be around to know...as that's a living persons burden!

 

[FuneralCry]

That is the way I want it to be when I actually ctb, I want to feel completely at peace with it and just appreciate the fact that this existence is finally ending. It is hard to be calm though because of the SI, we are programmed to survive which means taking our lives is hard and there is the fear of failing. Even know it wasn't a proper attempt, the time I was closest to ctb was in a moment of desperation. I would not mind a few tears though, but tears of relief.

 

[IWantToGoFast]

In my case my, first attempt was a car accident, when it played inside my mind I was calm as cucumber but when I put that in practice I was calm maybe to like 100 yards of the tree and then I slammed the brakes and pulled off. Had two more tries before quitting, SI made me instinctively push the brakes and pull away, like someone else was in charge. My hands and feet were reacting differently to what is was telling them. It wasn't fear or panic but a really high surge of adrenaline and sheer will to survive. I don't think there is a peaceful death because you know you're going to end yourself and that is perceived as a violent act by SI. It hurts me to say but in my case the old saying applies: if you fail try and try again.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

I was very calm with my attempt, only a very slight amount of anxiety at the start but easily pushed through. I still have no regrets apart from obviously the lack of success which was my fault for messaging someone and that meant that I was JUST found in time. Now I have to wait before I try again due to the consequences of my actions (constant supervision and family now staying with me for a few months).