Venting Worried that I'm permanently messed up

[StrangePossum]

Although we all grew up with the same parents (which includes our abusive mother), my siblings have all been much more academically and socially successful than me. My brother is attending a high ranked university, majoring in a difficult STEM subject, and has already secured a great job for when he graduates. My sister has always been more outgoing and sociable than me, and has also been accepted to a high ranked university. She plans to become a doctor (to the delight of our mother, of course.) I've always been the odd one out. I was always the shy and quiet one ever since I was a little kid, and although all the adults around me told me I was "smart" at first, I of course ended up getting depressed and suicidal as a teenager, never got treatment for it, and have been the "bad" person in the family ever since. I barely graduated from high school, and am now attending a junior college but have been failing most of my classes due to my steadily declining mental health. Meanwhile, I've been stuck living with my mother all these years, and she continues to take every opportunity to tell me what a parasite I am, how lazy and stupid I am compared to my siblings, and how much she wants to kick me out so I can sleep on the streets and starve. I know in theory that a lot of my problems would be solved by getting away from her, but the years of abuse have left me barely able to function. I'm terrified that even if I got a chance to get out, I wouldn't be able to support myself and would have to come crawling back to her. I know I'm young, but as things have gotten worse and worse, I've increasingly been thinking that ctb might be what I end up doing if I can't manage to get out. It's comforting to know that if all else fails, I always have ctb as an option.

 

[BigG91]

Although we all grew up with the same parents (which includes our abusive mother), my siblings have all been much more academically and socially successful than me. My brother is attending a high ranked university, majoring in a difficult STEM subject, and has already secured a great job for when he graduates. My sister has always been more outgoing and sociable than me, and has also been accepted to a high ranked university. She plans to become a doctor (to the delight of our mother, of course.) I've always been the odd one out. I was always the shy and quiet one ever since I was a little kid, and although all the adults around me told me I was "smart" at first, I of course ended up getting depressed and suicidal as a teenager, never got treatment for it, and have been the "bad" person in the family ever since. I barely graduated from high school, and am now attending a junior college but have been failing most of my classes due to my steadily declining mental health. Meanwhile, I've been stuck living with my mother all these years, and she continues to take every opportunity to tell me what a parasite I am, how lazy and stupid I am compared to my siblings, and how much she wants to kick me out so I can sleep on the streets and starve. I know in theory that a lot of my problems would be solved by getting away from her, but the years of abuse have left me barely able to function. I'm terrified that even if I got a chance to get out, I wouldn't be able to support myself and would have to come crawling back to her. I know I'm young, but as things have gotten worse and worse, I've increasingly been thinking that ctb might be what I end up doing if I can't manage to get out. It's comforting to know that if all else fails, I always have ctb as an option.

Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist ?

 

[StrangePossum]

Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist ?

Not yet. I plan to try if I get the chance though. All the stories of people getting horrible side effects have made me a bit hesitant, but I also have friends who it seems to be working fine for, so I guess I might as well give it a try. My mother is vehemently anti-psychiatrist, but hopefully she won't care too much as long as she doesn't have to be involved financially.

 

[waitingforrest]

I hated being compared to siblings as well, it makes you feel so useless. I can't seem to be stable enough to even to basic things.

It's horrible to be in a abusive situation. Leaving is so hard. Sometimes ctb just feels like the only escape.

I'm sorry that this is happening, it's really difficult feel better when you are constantly reminded of your shortcomings.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

sounds like a mother that is pure evil.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you are going through, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.

 

[TheWood]

Not yet. I plan to try if I get the chance though. All the stories of people getting horrible side effects have made me a bit hesitant, but I also have friends who it seems to be working fine for, so I guess I might as well give it a try. My mother is vehemently anti-psychiatrist, but hopefully she won't care too much as long as she doesn't have to be involved financially.

The psychiatrist should see your mother first. From what you write she looks like the typical narcissistic mother with a hankering for power. I don't want to be disrespectful but you understand many things from the facts

 

[StrangePossum]

The psychiatrist should see your mother first. From what you write she looks like the typical narcissistic mother with a hankering for power. I don't want to be disrespectful but you understand many things from the facts

It really would be nice if I could get her to see any kind of psychologist/psychiatrist I don't think you've been disrespectful, I would say I agree with you...haha. Sometimes parents just want to control too much about their children's' lives and I think she falls into that category. She didn't really have an ideal childhood either, but I guess it's like they say, "hurt people hurt people"...

 

[ollo]

Not yet. I plan to try if I get the chance though. All the stories of people getting horrible side effects have made me a bit hesitant, but I also have friends who it seems to be working fine for, so I guess I might as well give it a try. My mother is vehemently anti-psychiatrist, but hopefully she won't care too much as long as she doesn't have to be involved financially.

Eventually everything might become so fucked up, that reaching out for help would not be useful. Try to get help as soon as possible. Don't give a fuck about ur mother. Go to a doctor..., If your sister is a kind human, ask her for help. Else just go visit a doc once...