Worried about partner

[cherripi]

Im becoming more and more certain I want to ctb soon. As much as I love my partner my desire to be gone has always been here and is just getting stronger. He's really the only person I have in life but he has more support and people around him. I know he really does love me more than anything and it would break him if I left. I wouldn't want him to have any extreme reaction to me ctb and that's the only thing that kind of scares me. He's got a good life ahead of him with or without me.

I'd love more than anything to be good, healthy and happily live the rest of my life with him but I've never not felt like dying. All I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid is dissappear. I dont see that ever changing.

Im thinking if maybe there's a way since im 5000 miles away right now i can just die and never be found? Im here for two months. Maybe that would be better? So he doesn't think little of himself or like he could have done something? I dont know. Ive been so extremely selfish, I know that. I should have never allowed myself to be loved knowing i felt this way. The guilt of wanting to die is eating me alive. I should be greatful, and i am. It has been wonderful to experience such love but I was dealt a shitty hand and I just want to go.

 

[Redacted24]

I'm so sorry you're here, on this site, and dealing with the things you are.
It's nice to meet you though. Welcome to the community. I hope you find the people here as kind and supportive as I have.

I doubt there's anything you can do to mitigate the feelings of loss and grief to others that care about you. Distance is unlikely to lessen that. And not being found is very difficult to manage.

If you did manage that, then others would only know that you are missing. They would be frantic trying to find information about you. Were you kidnapped? Are you being abused?

They would surely contact authorities to investigate.

And they would always wonder what happened.

I know this isn't probably what you hoped to hear, so maybe others here will ofter better suggestions.
And if you want to share more about what's on your mind, this group are all experiencing something too and have the same struggles that brought you here.

Welcome again...

 

[cherripi]

I'm so sorry you're here, on this site, and dealing with the things you are.
It's nice to meet you though. Welcome to the community. I hope you find the people here as kind and supportive as I have.

I doubt there's anything you can do to mitigate the feelings of loss and grief to others that care about you. Distance is unlikely to lessen that. And not being found is very difficult to manage.

If you did manage that, then others would only know that you are missing. They would be frantic trying to find information about you. Were you kidnapped? Are you being abused?

They would surely contact authorities to investigate.

And they would always wonder what happened.

I know this isn't probably what you hoped to hear, so maybe others here will ofter better suggestions.
And if you want to share more about what's on your mind, this group are all experiencing something too and have the same struggles that brought you here.

Welcome again...

Thank you for your lovely reply :)
I think I knew inside that disappearing would illicit a similar reaction or maybe even worse. I guess in my head im just trying to find an out. If he in time could move past the death I feel he could move on with his life, he is a very strong minded person. But it's the immediate reaction that worries me. Like a reactionary attempt or messing up his life some how. I know I am the soft spot of his life. It makes me feel so guilty..

 

[Redacted24]

You're very kind and considerate to think of others and to care about their well- being after you go.

That says a lot about you, as a person.

May I ask, did something happen recently that is motivating you to go now, specifically?

Or is it just an opportunity while you're far away?

Have you told him about your struggles openly? Does he know that you've had these thoughts?

I'm sorry if I'm being... annoying.
I'm just thinking about someone I know and care about who's far away... and how I would feel if she, disappeared.
Anyway feel free to ignore me!

 

[cherripi]

You're very kind and considerate to think of others and to care about their well- being after you go.

That says a lot about you, as a person.

May I ask, did something happen recently that is motivating you to go now, specifically?

Or is it just an opportunity while you're far away?

Have you told him about your struggles openly? Does he know that you've had these thoughts?

I'm sorry if I'm being... annoying.
I'm just thinking about someone I know and care about who's far away... and how I would feel if she, disappeared.
Anyway feel free to ignore me!

Maybe for this past year my feelings about life and suffering just not being worth it has gotten stronger than ever. And I suppose, now that I'm alone and so far away what's stopping me?

I have mentioned it in passing playing it off as a joke to gauge a reaction, and he really does not like hearing it. Like the idea of me doing such a thing makes him shut down.
I have once or twice broke down out of no where crying saying I can't do this, but it really is out of no where and I refuse to talk about it after.

So I guess he knows but at the same time doesn't know how strongly I feel, maybe just that I get upset sometimes.

And no don't worry you are not being annoying! It feels somewhat good to talk about this openly :)

 

[Redacted24]

That sounds really difficult.
It's so hard to keep those feelings bottled up, and to feel anxious to share them with those that are close to you.

I think lots of people here would relate to that. I know I do.

Have you talked with anyone about this? A close friend, a therapist or anyone?

It is difficult to open up to others. Totally get that! And, even if you don't open up about your exiting idea, you could let him know you're feeling lonely being so far away, feeling low and doubtful inside, and see where that goes?

I'm sure he would be kind and caring if you opened up to him, even with just that.

And, we're here for you too, okay?
We're all in this mess together.
And with compassion and understanding and community.

Can't speak for others... but I am, anyway.
For what that's worth!

 

[cherripi]

That sounds really difficult.
It's so hard to keep those feelings bottled up, and to feel anxious to share them with those that are close to you.

I think lots of people here would relate to that. I know I do.

Have you talked with anyone about this? A close friend, a therapist or anyone?

It is difficult to open up to others. Totally get that! And, even if you don't open up about your exiting idea, you could let him know you're feeling lonely being so far away, feeling low and doubtful inside, and see where that goes?

I'm sure he would be kind and caring if you opened up to him, even with just that.

And, we're here for you too, okay?
We're all in this mess together.
And with compassion and understanding and community.

Can't speak for others... but I am, anyway.
For what that's worth!

Thank you for your kindness :)

I have been put in therapies and counselling since I was young, I just cannot tell the truth. I always say i dont know why I'm here or I'm fine, even if inside i really want to say something. I think he knows something is off but isn't sure.

I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to reply to my ramblings!

 

[Redacted24]

I hope it's okay?
I feel a little anxious, like I'm overstepping or being annoying. I don't mean to be.

But I sfruggle to tell people in my life that I just want them to let go of me so I can leave

I've had the plan to disappear just like you suggest. Since I was a teen.

And... yes, sometimes I've felt selfish and thought to just go in a fast way where I would be found easily, and who cares about what others think.

But I'm still here. Still struggling.

Sorry, didn't want to burden you. But, being on this site has kept me going far longer than I would have.

Feeling that others "get it" and actually hear me, is... something I don't get in the real world.

And it's a lot less lonely.

All of that to say, I am here for you... even if nobody else will say that, I will.

Okay?

 

[cherripi]

I hope it's okay?
I feel a little anxious, like I'm overstepping or being annoying. I don't mean to be.

But I sfruggle to tell people in my life that I just want them to let go of me so I can leave

I've had the plan to disappear just like you suggest. Since I was a teen.

And... yes, sometimes I've felt selfish and thought to just go in a fast way where I would be found easily, and who cares about what others think.

But I'm still here. Still struggling.

Sorry, didn't want to burden you. But, being on this site has kept me going far longer than I would have.

Feeling that others "get it" and actually hear me, is... something I don't get in the real world.

And it's a lot less lonely.

All of that to say, I am here for you... even if nobody else will say that, I will.

Okay?

Thank you I appreciate that !!

You seem like a wonderful person I hope you find the peace you deserve in life.

Just as you have for me, I extend my company. For now, I am here if you need/ would like to talk :)

 

[Redacted24]

Ditto, fellow traveler along this road.
It's nice to walk with good company.

And you seem nice... since you taking such care, trying not to hurt others, that says you are kind.

We could all have more kindness in our lives, don't you think?

May I ask, how long have you and your partner been together? They seem very nice too.

It has to be extra hard being so far apart. Maybe they're also having some struggles with that, and are afraid to tell you because they don't want you to worry?

 

[cherripi]

Ditto, fellow traveler along this road.
It's nice to walk with good company.

And you seem nice... since you taking such care, trying not to hurt others, that says you are kind.

We could all have more kindness in our lives, don't you think?

May I ask, how long have you and your partner been together? They seem very nice too.

It has to be extra hard being so far apart. Maybe they're also having some struggles with that, and are afraid to tell you because they don't want you to worry?

Indeed it is!

I always try to be kind, I don't want to add to all the hurt that is already in this world. And that is the reason for my post, I suppose. I'd hate to hurt someone.

We have been together not too long, a bit over a year. But I'm quite scared of people and always distance myself from others. So to trust and love someone who for once in my life actually cares about me, has been amazing, but a bit of a trap. If we had never met and I got to this point again I would ctb without worry.

Its has been hard, I imagine he is worried but doesn't tell me. I feel like im isolated all over again in a way. But I know he's home waiting for me. It would be so crule of me to do something, but living is hard.

 

[Redacted24]

Oh, yes, this resonates with me so very much.

Putting on the brave face every day, facing the world as if all is just fine - while secretly resisting the impulse to take that step in front of the commuter train taking me to work...or looking at railings on the stairs to see if they would be good suspension points... yeah... it's exhausting.

The not wanting to hurt anyone is why I've always considered the "disappearing act" as my primary objective. This way, anyone that might have known me would just think I'm a bad correspondent and we've lost touch. They wouldn't know, hopefully ever, what happened to me.

But you're in a different place, you have another that will miss you immediately. And you're very kind and thoughtful to not want them to hurt, because you know that the hurt will never go away for them.

Is there any one you can feel comfortable and safe talking to?
I get it about fearing people and keeping myself apart from them - I'm that way too - it's really hard to keep the hurt inside. To feel alone with it. To feel unheard, that nobody would hear or accept or believe.

Am I right? I know it's true for me.

Could you start with some small element with your partner? Maybe just tell them you feel down and lonely?

You might be surprised, they might be feeling that too. Maybe they're afraid to tell you because they are also putting on their brave face, because they see you being strong and want to be like you, and not seem weak?
Just some ideas...