Venting Wish they'd have just hit me instead?

[lilyistootired]

I know it's awful and makes me a bad person but I wish that my family would've just hit me instead of escalating various minor situation emotionally then just acting like the kids are crazy when they meltdown and engaging in threats that leave me to this day questioning if it was really that bad. Because if they'd just physically crossed a line even if it hadn't crossed a legal line it would be obvious to me "physically hurting people is wrong so what happened wasn't okay" but instead here I am years later still wondering if I deserved it or not. I know this makes me sound crazy but I hate that I'm so fucked up over this and have at least some lasting trauma from it all and can't even prove that they were wrong for doing it.

Anyone else experienced similar?

 

[Redacted24]

Oh my yes.
Many years living with an emotionally abusive spouse have seeded so much self doubt in me, in my own memories and actions. Am I truly a monster? An awful human being whose only purpose is to destroy others? Evil and heartless, a weirdo that nobody likes but everyone fears?

She's told everyone that I was abusive to her and the children - and unsurprisingly nobody we knew as a couple has talked to me for years even though they knew we were going through divorce. None of them reached out to me to see how I was doing, or to ask what happened. It's a very isolating feeling.

But there's nothing I can do about it.

If I try to defend what happened they all think I'm being defensive and smearing her account because of my culpability.

Nobody believes in me.

If I go through the act of ending my life they will all attribute it to my feelings of guilt for being so horrible.

Mentally I know the truth - therapy has helped with that - but emotionally the doubts in myself are very much more powerful.

It's truly awful. I'm with you on that. And I believe you. I believe in you. A philosopher wrote, "calling things by their right name is the first step to wisdom."

Keep calling what you went through what it is: abuse. And remember that you're a victim of abuse. I wish us both success in healing.