SocialSoil
for the first and last time i guess
- Aug 15, 2024
- 43
I've been browsing this site for around a year now, and now I got opportunity to thank you all properly.
I have tough situation in my family and probably seen some crap earlier than I should. I never lived like normal child should, feels like I've been made by two people who shouldn't even try to have a child. I live with the person who had pushed my mother to ctb attempt and never felt sorry about it. I can't name anyone who is blood-connected to me as a normal family. Among them is no people that care about me. I feel like everyone there is scarred, have blurry vision, but instead of reality they see their own reflexion and talk to it, ignoring actual human being. Everyone there needs therapy and I am the only one who actually went for it.
Onset of depression was at 11 years old, at 15 I was properly diagnosed with depression, and year ago diagnosis changed to F33.1. I was ready to ctb 3 times. My therapists tried lot of pills, current one suspects I have resistency for antidepressants. I did my best and maked it as I was able to.
Month ago, one event happened, and I feel like I'm done. If I was worried that I won't live good, now I am 100% sure of it. I am tired and it's just better to ctb while everyone know me as a good person before they and I see my downfall. Decision to ctb seems a bit easier to living a life I cannot handle as good as I wish. But, I mean, what's the point of living if it will be POV of turning into a mess? And... change of period, from fall to summer and from winter to spring, for me is a time when depression gets way worse. Last time, at spring, my therapist changed dosage of my pills to 2x. And if I feel like shit now, what will it be at fall? I just won't survive. These dosages are almost maximum allowed per day. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to survive another time.
I planned to ctb after I turn 18 and will write a will. I turned 18 recently. I'm going to sell all jewelry I have and distribute most of my clothes. I will make a lifetime contract with a funeral agency and pay them beforehand so my family won't have to waste money on cremation. Then I will write a will. And before October I will ctb. I wanna do cleaning after me as easy as it can be: laying towels under myself, using diuretic and laxative, opening window so smell won't keep in room, if I'm lucky enough I'll get small fan and use it too. I will call my best friend, chat with him a bit, and then at 0.00 AM will turn some lo-fi stream so my last minutes will be chill, and ctb by night-night.
And how you helped me? Now I am not worried about ctb method. I saw that it doesn't have to be always agony. It's easier when you know your last moments will be peaceful. I've seen your community and how you actually respect and understand others' choices, how you listen to the people. And now I can thank you for this. Browsing this site might be one of the best things in this year. I'm glad I've found you. Really, thank you all. I'm so, so happy that I've seen some light because of you. Thank you.
I have tough situation in my family and probably seen some crap earlier than I should. I never lived like normal child should, feels like I've been made by two people who shouldn't even try to have a child. I live with the person who had pushed my mother to ctb attempt and never felt sorry about it. I can't name anyone who is blood-connected to me as a normal family. Among them is no people that care about me. I feel like everyone there is scarred, have blurry vision, but instead of reality they see their own reflexion and talk to it, ignoring actual human being. Everyone there needs therapy and I am the only one who actually went for it.
Onset of depression was at 11 years old, at 15 I was properly diagnosed with depression, and year ago diagnosis changed to F33.1. I was ready to ctb 3 times. My therapists tried lot of pills, current one suspects I have resistency for antidepressants. I did my best and maked it as I was able to.
Month ago, one event happened, and I feel like I'm done. If I was worried that I won't live good, now I am 100% sure of it. I am tired and it's just better to ctb while everyone know me as a good person before they and I see my downfall. Decision to ctb seems a bit easier to living a life I cannot handle as good as I wish. But, I mean, what's the point of living if it will be POV of turning into a mess? And... change of period, from fall to summer and from winter to spring, for me is a time when depression gets way worse. Last time, at spring, my therapist changed dosage of my pills to 2x. And if I feel like shit now, what will it be at fall? I just won't survive. These dosages are almost maximum allowed per day. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to survive another time.
I planned to ctb after I turn 18 and will write a will. I turned 18 recently. I'm going to sell all jewelry I have and distribute most of my clothes. I will make a lifetime contract with a funeral agency and pay them beforehand so my family won't have to waste money on cremation. Then I will write a will. And before October I will ctb. I wanna do cleaning after me as easy as it can be: laying towels under myself, using diuretic and laxative, opening window so smell won't keep in room, if I'm lucky enough I'll get small fan and use it too. I will call my best friend, chat with him a bit, and then at 0.00 AM will turn some lo-fi stream so my last minutes will be chill, and ctb by night-night.
And how you helped me? Now I am not worried about ctb method. I saw that it doesn't have to be always agony. It's easier when you know your last moments will be peaceful. I've seen your community and how you actually respect and understand others' choices, how you listen to the people. And now I can thank you for this. Browsing this site might be one of the best things in this year. I'm glad I've found you. Really, thank you all. I'm so, so happy that I've seen some light because of you. Thank you.
