Will a hookup help me feel in control of my body again?

[wantingdignity]

I constantly want my ex back. It does not matter to me, for some reason, that he violated my consent, punched walls, was mean, and left me because I was suicidal. My body craves him so much. After he violated my consent, my body felt repulsed for a very long time. I became a shell for a little while. For some reason now, my body just craves him. I know that I would just be hurting myself and him by trying to go back.

I want my body to feel like mine and to feel like I can be in control of when and how I lose control.

Would a one night stand help? I feel like it would make me feel like he was off of me. Maybe it would be healing to have sexual memories that are not him (we were together for 8 years) or a bad experience in high school that was not consensual.

How does one have a one night stand? Would it be helpful?

 

[Dejected 55]

From my male point of view... I don't know if it would help. I can only go with my own life experiences, such as they are. I have never been in a relationship and the only sex I ever had was over 20 years ago with paid escorts. Those were always empty experiences and my takeaway from those was that I suspected a one-night-stand would feel the same.

Of course, if I was even able to have a one-night stand that would be achievements way beyond what I've ever been able to accomplish in my life, since I can't get a woman to consider going on a date with me, much less have a one-night stand. IF I could do that, without paying for it, then I'd probably be a lot less depressed than I am... not because one-night-stands would fulfill me BUT if I could do that, maybe I would have at least had one relationship in my life to look back upon.

Long story short. I empathize at least a little with your situation... I definitely know what it is like to long for someone, anyone, or even a specific someone... to want to touch someone and be touched by someone. Right now I'm pining for someone I'll never know, but I don't think having a one-night stand would make me feel better or get over her. I think I would just feel bad, almost like I was cheating even though I have no relationship to be a cheater of.

 

[Melly]

Be careful, you're in an extremely vulnerable mindset, I recommend against seeking out people to try to regain control over your autonomy and your body. It's common to mistake abuse for love when you just got out of a similar situation, and it's ridiculously easy to retraumatize yourself or end up in the arms of another ill-intentioned person. Definitely don't go back to your ex but try to take it slow, try to meet lots of new people including potential romantic partners, and when you do find a caring, kind person you trust, also try to be the one pacing things and taking things slowly. But I recommend focusing on friendship and yourself first and foremost. The rest will come with time. I wish you the switftest recovery possible.

 

[LittleMagician]

I constantly want my ex back. It does not matter to me, for some reason, that he violated my consent, punched walls, was mean, and left me because I was suicidal. My body craves him so much. After he violated my consent, my body felt repulsed for a very long time. I became a shell for a little while. For some reason now, my body just craves him. I know that I would just be hurting myself and him by trying to go back.

I want my body to feel like mine and to feel like I can be in control of when and how I lose control.

Would a one night stand help? I feel like it would make me feel like he was off of me. Maybe it would be healing to have sexual memories that are not him (we were together for 8 years) or a bad experience in high school that was not consensual.

How does one have a one night stand? Would it be helpful?

No.

 

[Dyingoportunity]

Damn, the thing you said about your body craving him after what he did hits hard, even though I wasn't in a relationship with the person that violated me (I had a crush on them in school but they flushed it down the shitter with their actions). They sure know how to cling to the creases of your brain, don't they? your body was never his, especially not when he thought that he had any right to overthrow your choices with it. He doesn't have that right, nor do any of your future partners. You did not deserve what he did to you.

The choice to hook up and / or to continue as isis a tricky one. For some survivors, casual sex can be a form of healing, allowing them to regain a sense of control and pleasure in their sexual experiences. However, for others, it can trigger negative emotions and trauma responses, potentially leading to self-harm or exacerbating existing mental health issues. I've never done it for the latter reason, and I'm sure that's why the others are against it. Your safety and mental well being is the most important thing. I'd encourage you to set clear boundaries and communicate their needs with your partners if you feel you must do this. Read blogs about people who did just that and see how you feel about it. Therapy can do a lot of good if you can afford it, too.

If it feels too wrong to be with him or let him touch, don't force the relationship further. I cannot stress this enough.

There's no self–help guide for how to get better from this, but don't let this define who you are.

 

[ashesashes]

i've felt the same and actually did hookup with my ex bc of it, but it didn't make me feel any better. it just led to a bunch of shit that i didn't want to happen, so i'd advise against it. i know how hard it is though. especially when nobody's there to replace the comfort they gave you.

 

[monetpompo]

i'm crazy mentally ill and really like the feeling of comfort that being around other people gives me, but i've tried to have casual sex on numerous occasions and it just makes me feel messed up inside. half the time i just had sex because i wanted to "have the choice to" (i feel like no one could ever like me enough to date me/want to have sex with me without it being a hookup) or because i "can" (feeling of control even if having one night stands are impulsive and sometimes dangerous). for some people it can make them feel in control, but i usually only want to hook up because i'm bored or i'm already spiralling and need something to make me feel wanted. i've stopped it completely now because it just makes me feel kind of sad and dirty after, and i often hate the feeling of being looked at or touched by somebody i'm letting fuck me. there's typically little attraction involved for me. people that haven't gone through a casual sex phase often think i'm dirty or detached for wanting to do it, and it's definitely an annoying stigma. it's probably my fault for being honest.

i could've gotten assaulted again or gotten some std from a guy that didn't want to use a condom. it's scary stuff. i kept on taking the chance by meeting up with randoms but they never hurt me, even if they could. i feel much better being in my room instead of giving head to guys i think are ugly. my buds barely hang out with me and i still have a hard time meeting new people, but i start hinging my self worth on how many people want to fuck me way too quickly if i'm on any sort of dating app. i've told one of my friends this and he said "you're not unattractive just because people aren't having sex with you" and it made me feel twisted up inside.

 

[Linda]

I constantly want my ex back. It does not matter to me, for some reason, that he violated my consent, punched walls, was mean, and left me because I was suicidal. My body craves him so much. After he violated my consent, my body felt repulsed for a very long time. I became a shell for a little while. For some reason now, my body just craves him. I know that I would just be hurting myself and him by trying to go back.

I want my body to feel like mine and to feel like I can be in control of when and how I lose control.

Would a one night stand help? I feel like it would make me feel like he was off of me. Maybe it would be healing to have sexual memories that are not him (we were together for 8 years) or a bad experience in high school that was not consensual.

How does one have a one night stand? Would it be helpful?

I don't know whether a one nighter would help you, but it might. There is only one way to find out.
How do you do it? In my day, we just went to one of the bars or discos that were known for hookups and grabbed a nice man. Or waited for a nice man to grab us. (One of those men is now my husband, and we have been together for over 40 years.)