Will a hookup help me feel in control of my body again?

[wantingdignity]

I constantly want my ex back. It does not matter to me, for some reason, that he violated my consent, punched walls, was mean, and left me because I was suicidal. My body craves him so much. After he violated my consent, my body felt repulsed for a very long time. I became a shell for a little while. For some reason now, my body just craves him. I know that I would just be hurting myself and him by trying to go back.

I want my body to feel like mine and to feel like I can be in control of when and how I lose control.

Would a one night stand help? I feel like it would make me feel like he was off of me. Maybe it would be healing to have sexual memories that are not him (we were together for 8 years) or a bad experience in high school that was not consensual.

How does one have a one night stand? Would it be helpful?

 

[Dejected 55]

From my male point of view... I don't know if it would help. I can only go with my own life experiences, such as they are. I have never been in a relationship and the only sex I ever had was over 20 years ago with paid escorts. Those were always empty experiences and my takeaway from those was that I suspected a one-night-stand would feel the same.

Of course, if I was even able to have a one-night stand that would be achievements way beyond what I've ever been able to accomplish in my life, since I can't get a woman to consider going on a date with me, much less have a one-night stand. IF I could do that, without paying for it, then I'd probably be a lot less depressed than I am... not because one-night-stands would fulfill me BUT if I could do that, maybe I would have at least had one relationship in my life to look back upon.

Long story short. I empathize at least a little with your situation... I definitely know what it is like to long for someone, anyone, or even a specific someone... to want to touch someone and be touched by someone. Right now I'm pining for someone I'll never know, but I don't think having a one-night stand would make me feel better or get over her. I think I would just feel bad, almost like I was cheating even though I have no relationship to be a cheater of.

 

[Melly]

Be careful, you're in an extremely vulnerable mindset, I recommend against seeking out people to try to regain control over your autonomy and your body. It's common to mistake abuse for love when you just got out of a similar situation, and it's ridiculously easy to retraumatize yourself or end up in the arms of another ill-intentioned person. Definitely don't go back to your ex but try to take it slow, try to meet lots of new people including potential romantic partners, and when you do find a caring, kind person you trust, also try to be the one pacing things and taking things slowly. But I recommend focusing on friendship and yourself first and foremost. The rest will come with time. I wish you the switftest recovery possible.

 

[LittleMagician]

I constantly want my ex back. It does not matter to me, for some reason, that he violated my consent, punched walls, was mean, and left me because I was suicidal. My body craves him so much. After he violated my consent, my body felt repulsed for a very long time. I became a shell for a little while. For some reason now, my body just craves him. I know that I would just be hurting myself and him by trying to go back.

I want my body to feel like mine and to feel like I can be in control of when and how I lose control.

Would a one night stand help? I feel like it would make me feel like he was off of me. Maybe it would be healing to have sexual memories that are not him (we were together for 8 years) or a bad experience in high school that was not consensual.

How does one have a one night stand? Would it be helpful?

No.

 

[Dying Opportunity]

Damn, the thing you said about your body craving him after what he did hits hard, even though I wasn't in a relationship with the person that violated me (I had a crush on them in school but they flushed it down the shitter with their actions). They sure know how to cling to the creases of your brain, don't they? your body was never his, especially not when he thought that he had any right to overthrow your choices with it. He doesn't have that right, nor do any of your future partners. You did not deserve what he did to you.

The choice to hook up and / or to continue as isis a tricky one. For some survivors, casual sex can be a form of healing, allowing them to regain a sense of control and pleasure in their sexual experiences. However, for others, it can trigger negative emotions and trauma responses, potentially leading to self-harm or exacerbating existing mental health issues. I've never done it for the latter reason, and I'm sure that's why the others are against it. Your safety and mental well being is the most important thing. I'd encourage you to set clear boundaries and communicate their needs with your partners if you feel you must do this. Read blogs about people who did just that and see how you feel about it. Therapy can do a lot of good if you can afford it, too.

If it feels too wrong to be with him or let him touch, don't force the relationship further. I cannot stress this enough.

There's no self–help guide for how to get better from this, but don't let this define who you are.

 

[ashesashes]

i've felt the same and actually did hookup with my ex bc of it, but it didn't make me feel any better. it just led to a bunch of shit that i didn't want to happen, so i'd advise against it. i know how hard it is though. especially when nobody's there to replace the comfort they gave you.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i'm crazy mentally ill and really like the feeling of comfort that being around other people gives me, but i've tried to have casual sex on numerous occasions and it just makes me feel messed up inside. half the time i just had sex because i wanted to "have the choice to" (i feel like no one could ever like me enough to date me/want to have sex with me without it being a hookup) or because i "can" (feeling of control even if having one night stands are impulsive and sometimes dangerous). for some people it can make them feel in control, but i usually only want to hook up because i'm bored or i'm already spiralling and need something to make me feel wanted. i've stopped it completely now because it just makes me feel kind of sad and dirty after, and i often hate the feeling of being looked at or touched by somebody i'm letting fuck me. there's typically little attraction involved for me. people that haven't gone through a casual sex phase often think i'm dirty or detached for wanting to do it, and it's definitely an annoying stigma. it's probably my fault for being honest.

i could've gotten assaulted again or gotten some std from a guy that didn't want to use a condom. it's scary stuff. i kept on taking the chance by meeting up with randoms but they never hurt me, even if they could. i feel much better being in my room instead of giving head to guys i think are ugly. my buds barely hang out with me and i still have a hard time meeting new people, but i start hinging my self worth on how many people want to fuck me way too quickly if i'm on any sort of dating app. i've told one of my friends this and he said "you're not unattractive just because people aren't having sex with you" and it made me feel twisted up inside.

 

[Linda]

I constantly want my ex back. It does not matter to me, for some reason, that he violated my consent, punched walls, was mean, and left me because I was suicidal. My body craves him so much. After he violated my consent, my body felt repulsed for a very long time. I became a shell for a little while. For some reason now, my body just craves him. I know that I would just be hurting myself and him by trying to go back.

I want my body to feel like mine and to feel like I can be in control of when and how I lose control.

Would a one night stand help? I feel like it would make me feel like he was off of me. Maybe it would be healing to have sexual memories that are not him (we were together for 8 years) or a bad experience in high school that was not consensual.

How does one have a one night stand? Would it be helpful?

I don't know whether a one nighter would help you, but it might. There is only one way to find out.
How do you do it? In my day, we just went to one of the bars or discos that were known for hookups and grabbed a nice man. Or waited for a nice man to grab us. (One of those men is now my husband, and we have been together for over 40 years.)

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

You're going to make up your own mind whatever people say but from my experience it will give you an immediate boost of feeling how powerful your body is to make someone want you and obviously the pleasure but then you'll suddenly realize it's meaningless. That person is just using you but maybe that won't matter if you're just using them too. And sometimes you change your mind half way through and you're just stuck there. Also you're not guaranteed to have a good experience. They might be bad at sex or even worse a complete sicko who doesn't respect your boundaries. Dating apps are full of people looking for hook ups but it's definitely not without its dangers. You could find a friend to have 'benefits' with but then you risk ruining a friendship which pretty much always happens.

As far as going back to an ex the best saying I heard is "What's good for the hole ain't always good for the soul"

 

[milkteacrown]

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can relate, as I'm going through something similar—my consent was violated, and now I just have a craving for abuse because it's been normalized for me. Everyone is different, but I know that for myself, hookups make everything worse. Just keep in mind that you're very vulnerable right now, okay? Don't push yourself with anything you're uncertain with, because worst case scenario, you might have another situation to heal from.

 

[imtiredasf]

I don't know how much I'm supposed to disclose here, but as a repeated SA victim of the male persuasion, I use hookups as a form of self abuse. I don't know when or why I broke in the way that I did that sort of makes me feel like people won't like me unless they violate me in some way or another, but it's definitely become a snafu when it comes to forming relationships or anything of the sort. It really all depends on your relationship with yourself, sex, and others.

Some people find it helps them regain control, some people find it self abusive, some people don't even think about it. Which is WILD to think about.

I'm sorry you've experience what you have.

 

[wantingdignity]

i'm crazy mentally ill and really like the feeling of comfort that being around other people gives me, but i've tried to have casual sex on numerous occasions and it just makes me feel messed up inside. half the time i just had sex because i wanted to "have the choice to" (i feel like no one could ever like me enough to date me/want to have sex with me without it being a hookup) or because i "can" (feeling of control even if having one night stands are impulsive and sometimes dangerous). for some people it can make them feel in control, but i usually only want to hook up because i'm bored or i'm already spiralling and need something to make me feel wanted. i've stopped it completely now because it just makes me feel kind of sad and dirty after, and i often hate the feeling of being looked at or touched by somebody i'm letting fuck me. there's typically little attraction involved for me. people that haven't gone through a casual sex phase often think i'm dirty or detached for wanting to do it, and it's definitely an annoying stigma. it's probably my fault for being honest.

i could've gotten assaulted again or gotten some std from a guy that didn't want to use a condom. it's scary stuff. i kept on taking the chance by meeting up with randoms but they never hurt me, even if they could. i feel much better being in my room instead of giving head to guys i think are ugly. my buds barely hang out with me and i still have a hard time meeting new people, but i start hinging my self worth on how many people want to fuck me way too quickly if i'm on any sort of dating app. i've told one of my friends this and he said "you're not unattractive just because people aren't having sex with you" and it made me feel twisted up inside.

Hey, coming back to this a year later. I've gone back and fourth a lot, but lately I've been really sleeping around. I think it is helping part of me, but I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I'm maybe abusing myself with it? Or am I just having fun? It's hard to tell because the men are admiring me (at least until they finish, even if I haven't). I no longer feel like my ex owns my body, but I still sometimes feel like I'm trying to wash him off of me by creating new experiences. I feel like I am resorting to sex instead of self harm; or rationalizing that it's okay to let strangers tie me up since at least I'm not killing myself.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just don't know of other people going through this. I honestly don't know if I would still feel suicidal if there wasn't so much shame attached.

 

[eggsausagerice]

Hey, coming back to this a year later. I've gone back and fourth a lot, but lately I've been really sleeping around. I think it is helping part of me, but I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like I'm maybe abusing myself with it? Or am I just having fun? It's hard to tell because the men are admiring me (at least until they finish, even if I haven't). I no longer feel like my ex owns my body, but I still sometimes feel like I'm trying to wash him off of me by creating new experiences. I feel like I am resorting to sex instead of self harm; or rationalizing that it's okay to let strangers tie me up since at least I'm not killing myself.

welcome back to hell lol. truthfully, i'm in the same spot except i haven't been getting laid and i've mostly been getting my heart broken by being ghosted or being texted by guys i find really unattractive. since i'm gay, i've been trawling grindr and sniffies kind of nonstop. i've even tried looking on other gay hookup websites. but i think it's just because of the area i live in that i can't find anyone i'm attracted to. i realized that i'm actually incapable of pretending i'm attracted to someone, even if they paid me money to have sex with them, so it's left me in a weird spot where i would have casual sex more often if i could (i can go practically every day on little sleep), but if i had sex with someone i didn't enjoy looking at i just start dissociating and zone out. i realized i can't enjoy sex in any way if i'm just having pity sex. a part of me feels jealous you have the ability to sleep around at all, but it's not like i would really want to in the first place.

i think most people don't like having so much sex if it's just to distract yourself. what i hate the most is that people think it's gross to want casual sex or to be actively having casual sex because of how prudish our culture is. i don't think people's perception of having casual sex will change anytime soon, so i try not to talk about it. everyone in my family would judge me for it, but my mom and my sister would judge me the most. it sucks that the people closest to me are basically incapable of understanding me.

i've made lots of posts about queer loneliness in the suburbs at this point. i feel the lost of my friend after he moved every day, but having sex and talking about having sex still makes me feel repulsed even if i'm making the deliberate choice to look for people to hook up with every day. i still think most men that want to hook up with me are repulsive and would ghost me after having sex. if i were in a better emotional state, i don't think i would feel the need to have sex with people, because i typically don't. i think that even when i'm actively having sex with people i don't want to have sex, but i don't know. deep down, i think i do want to be hurt or assaulted by a random person i'm hooking up with and i get disappointed every time when they turn out to be a normal, boring person. i wish that i could be like them and only want to have sex instead of want to be murdered instead.

 

[MissAbyss]

It seems like you've become trauma-bonded. Are you familiar with that term? If not, it might be worth looking into.

 

[wantingdignity]

welcome back to hell lol. truthfully, i'm in the same spot except i haven't been getting laid and i've mostly been getting my heart broken by being ghosted or being texted by guys i find really unattractive. since i'm gay, i've been trawling grindr and sniffies kind of nonstop. i've even tried looking on other gay hookup websites. but i think it's just because of the area i live in that i can't find anyone i'm attracted to. i realized that i'm actually incapable of pretending i'm attracted to someone, even if they paid me money to have sex with them, so it's left me in a weird spot where i would have casual sex more often if i could (i can go practically every day on little sleep), but if i had sex with someone i didn't enjoy looking at i just start dissociating and zone out. i realized i can't enjoy sex in any way if i'm just having pity sex. a part of me feels jealous you have the ability to sleep around at all, but it's not like i would really want to in the first place.

i think most people don't like having so much sex if it's just to distract yourself. what i hate the most is that people think it's gross to want casual sex or to be actively having casual sex because of how prudish our culture is. i don't think people's perception of having casual sex will change anytime soon, so i try not to talk about it. everyone in my family would judge me for it, but my mom and my sister would judge me the most. it sucks that the people closest to me are basically incapable of understanding me.

i've made lots of posts about queer loneliness in the suburbs at this point. i feel the lost of my friend after he moved every day, but having sex and talking about having sex still makes me feel repulsed even if i'm making the deliberate choice to look for people to hook up with every day. i still think most men that want to hook up with me are repulsive and would ghost me after having sex. if i were in a better emotional state, i don't think i would feel the need to have sex with people, because i typically don't. i think that even when i'm actively having sex with people i don't want to have sex, but i don't know. deep down, i think i do want to be hurt or assaulted by a random person i'm hooking up with and i get disappointed every time when they turn out to be a normal, boring person. i wish that i could be like them and only want to have sex instead of want to be murdered instead.

Yeah, honestly none of the people that I've hooked up with are attractive to me. Some of them actually repulse me. It's weird that I'm enjoying it while also just really being depressed too. These men do not care about me or my experience with the encounter. I hate myself for signing up to basically be used and left, but I also enjoy it and don't want to stop.

I'm bi, but I really am not attracted to men. It doesn't make sense that I'm doing this. I'm throwing myself at men and pretending to enjoy it while it's happening. I'm scared of wholesome encounters. I had one ask for my consent the other day and it was like it woke me up for a little bit. I feel like I'm just looking for proof that they won't kill me. Or maybe I hope they will. I don't know. I feel like I relate to you though. I feel like I would be a lot happier married to another woman and actually in a wholesome relationship. But I don't know how to be in one. I would love to get to a place where I know how to love and be loved

 

[eggsausagerice]

I feel like I would be a lot happier married to another woman and actually in a wholesome relationship. But I don't know how to be in one. I would love to get to a place where I know how to love and be loved

this is something i think about from time to time. i've kind of lost all hope that i'll ever be in a fulfilling relationship, but i've never had a chance to date or hookup with a girl in my life because most girls in my area are straight/wouldn't be attracted to me, and i get extremely nervous when a cute girl talks to me. i'm a trans man, which is why it's hard for me to date girls. i don't want to date girls that are looking for a lesbian relationship if i don't identify as a girl, so i've just never had the opportunity to date one. i don't really know what to call my feeling. i just wish that i identified as a cis girl or i was born a guy so that it'd be easier for me to meet people that accept me for who i am.

Yeah, honestly none of the people that I've hooked up with are attractive to me. Some of them actually repulse me. It's weird that I'm enjoying it while also just really being depressed too. These men do not care about me or my experience with the encounter. I hate myself for signing up to basically be used and left, but I also enjoy it and don't want to stop.

i was in this same spot 2 years ago. i don't know what about me changed to make me not enjoy sex anymore. i guess it's when i had sex for money because people were offering cash to me. it just made me feel like i was getting SAed for money LOL. i legitimately just hated men so much while i was doing sex work because they were ugly and entitled. they don't care about who i am, what i am, if i enjoyed the sex. they just felt entitled to my body and they assume that i find them attractive and liked the sex too. men don't ask for my consent, but i'm always visibly nervous before i have sex with someone no matter who it is. my jaw is clenched or my arms go stiff since i don't seem to actually want to have sex, i just do it because i'm there and they expect to do it with me.

i've had anorgasmia for my entire life, so i've never been able to orgasm no matter if i was in a monogamous relationship or hooking up. it never happens. it makes me feel like my body is wrong or broken because i got assaulted when i was young. people tend to feel bad when i mention it. it's one of the reasons i don't like being sexual, since i don't even seem to like masturbating. i wish i was fully asexual sometimes so that i wouldn't feel the need to have sex. what i liked about hooking up in the past is engaging in risky behavior and having people use me up because i don't feel good for anything else. it's depressing to feel like i deserve to be treated like i'm nothing, but it feels like the only way someone will want to pay attention to me. i still have a hard time people actually care about me because i think i'm only good for sex.

 

[wantingdignity]

this is something i think about from time to time. i've kind of lost all hope that i'll ever be in a fulfilling relationship, but i've never had a chance to date or hookup with a girl in my life because most girls in my area are straight/wouldn't be attracted to me, and i get extremely nervous when a cute girl talks to me. i'm a trans man, which is why it's hard for me to date girls. i don't want to date girls that are looking for a lesbian relationship if i don't identify as a girl, so i've just never had the opportunity to date one. i don't really know what to call my feeling. i just wish that i identified as a cis girl or i was born a guy so that it'd be easier for me to meet people that accept me for who i am.


i was in this same spot 2 years ago. i don't know what about me changed to make me not enjoy sex anymore. i guess it's when i had sex for money because people were offering cash to me. it just made me feel like i was getting SAed for money LOL. i legitimately just hated men so much while i was doing sex work because they were ugly and entitled. they don't care about who i am, what i am, if i enjoyed the sex. they just felt entitled to my body and they assume that i find them attractive and liked the sex too. men don't ask for my consent, but i'm always visibly nervous before i have sex with someone no matter who it is. my jaw is clenched or my arms go stiff since i don't seem to actually want to have sex, i just do it because i'm there and they expect to do it with me.

i've had anorgasmia for my entire life, so i've never been able to orgasm no matter if i was in a monogamous relationship or hooking up. it never happens. it makes me feel like my body is wrong or broken because i got assaulted when i was young. people tend to feel bad when i mention it. it's one of the reasons i don't like being sexual, since i don't even seem to like masturbating. i wish i was fully asexual sometimes so that i wouldn't feel the need to have sex. what i liked about hooking up in the past is engaging in risky behavior and having people use me up because i don't feel good for anything else. it's depressing to feel like i deserve to be treated like i'm nothing, but it feels like the only way someone will want to pay attention to me. i still have a hard time people actually care about me because i think i'm only good for sex.

Even though my experience is different from yours, I relate so fucking much. I've had sex for money too. I grew up being fed a dream of saving myself for a god selected perfect man that would love me. I kept wishing I was a man instead because I wanted to marry my childhood friends and didn't get that being with another woman was an option.

Even with giving up that fairytale up, I hate where I am now. I saved myself, someone took it and I froze without knowing what to do while it happened. Then I fell in love. That person hit walls when I said no. He didn't always respect my consent. I went through a period of being extremely broke and self hating and said yes to an 80 year old that offered money for it. Now I say yes to almost anyone that asks. It's almost instinct now. Sex means nothing to me. I made it that way because it means what happened to me was just a small thing and just a small percentage of my experiences. But I miss the dream. I miss being able to imagine men as kind. I feel like I just keep waiting for someone to save me or fix me. I don't even want to die anymore. I just want to be reborn as someone else. I want my innocence back.

I identify with Fleabag (the character in the show) so much when she said that she wished that she could get rid of the part of her that wanted sex. I love sex. I don't know if I know how to have good sex. I don't like any of the partners that I've had honestly.