Why

[finish.me]

Currently wading through active anorexia and the fact that the only thing that really does anything for me emotionally is eating. I don't know what to do. What is the point of this struggle. Im scared to die but I want it to end. There's literally nothing that will ever change and even if it does it won't make me happy because I can't feel that emotion and I don't think I ever have. Why can't my brain just give me the okay and let me feel okay with death. Why can't I be okay with it if I know logically I will never be a healthy happy human person. I will never have that, and not because of circumstance, or that it's depression and it'll pass, it's purely biological. I don't have the right things in my brain that make life worth living. Prescription medicine and therapy will not change this. So why doesn't my brain recognize this. Why can't I kill myself.

 

[Julgran]

Currently wading through active anorexia and the fact that the only thing that really does anything for me emotionally is eating. I don't know what to do. What is the point of this struggle. Im scared to die but I want it to end. There's literally nothing that will ever change and even if it does it won't make me happy because I can't feel that emotion and I don't think I ever have. Why can't my brain just give me the okay and let me feel okay with death. Why can't I be okay with it if I know logically I will never be a healthy happy human person. I will never have that, and not because of circumstance, or that it's depression and it'll pass, it's purely biological. I don't have the right things in my brain that make life worth living. Prescription medicine and therapy will not change this. So why doesn't my brain recognize this. Why can't I kill myself.

I'm sorry for you for finding yourself in this situation.

If you don't mind me asking, is it correctly understood that you still feel like eating, despite your anorexia?

Why do you think that your are not okay with ending your life? Is someone else - a person or a pet - dependent on you, or is there something else that might be interfering with your wish to die?

 

[finish.me]

I'm sorry for you for finding yourself in this situation.

If you don't mind me asking, is it correctly understood that you still feel like eating, despite your anorexia?

Why do you think that your are not okay with ending your life? Is someone else - a person or a pet - dependent on you, or is there something else that might be interfering with your wish to die?

yeah, I love eating. I've gained weight (10 pounds) last month, I was binging to the point of throwing up from nausea, just because I've been bored. I was homeless for a month before that so maybe my body was compensating for the food insecurity, I don't know. Nothing really makes me feel good except eating, so as soon as I was given ready access to food again I just went to town. the gain made me relapse and Ive only been eating 600 cals a day since I've last weighed myself. Every single second that passes between the meals I allow myself, I've been counting down. Literally every minute that I'm awake I'm looking at the clock until I can eat again.

It sucks.

I'm not okay with ending my life because I'm scared. That's it. I have people who love me but as awful as it is I'm not too concerned with them if I ever make the decision to go through with suicide. It's literally just that the idea of dying is horrific to me, the uncertainty, the pain. Logically I know it would be better than what I have now but for some reason I have some mental roadblock that keeps making me reconsider, it keeps making me believe I have stuff I want to do and things to see when in reality it's all the same and that's something I've been telling myself for years, without it ever being true. I don't know. I want to die, but, I don't want to die. What the fuck.

 

[Julgran]

yeah, I love eating. I've gained weight (10 pounds) last month, I was binging to the point of throwing up from nausea, just because I've been bored. I was homeless for a month before that so maybe my body was compensating for the food insecurity, I don't know. Nothing really makes me feel good except eating, so as soon as I was given ready access to food again I just went to town. the gain made me relapse and Ive only been eating 600 cals a day since I've last weighed myself. Every single second that passes between the meals I allow myself, I've been counting down. Literally every minute that I'm awake I'm looking at the clock until I can eat again.

It sucks.

I'm not fully following along here... I may just be ignorant... but are you really suffering from anorexia if you do eat? I'm just under the impression that people who suffer from anorexia do everything that they can not to eat.

You seem to have regressed into the anorexia somewhat, though. Are you turning your diet around all the time now, so that you start eating a lot, and then you eat almost nothing, and then you repeat the cycle?

I'm not okay with ending my life because I'm scared. That's it. I have people who love me but as awful as it is I'm not too concerned with them if I ever make the decision to go through with suicide. It's literally just that the idea of dying is horrific to me, the uncertainty, the pain. Logically I know it would be better than what I have now but for some reason I have some mental roadblock that keeps making me reconsider, it keeps making me believe I have stuff I want to do and things to see when in reality it's all the same and that's something I've been telling myself for years, without it ever being true. I don't know. I want to die, but, I don't want to die. What the fuck.

Don't worry - you are not alone in having such mixed feelings about death. It sounds like you do wish to end your life, but are uncertain about what happens next. This is a common roadblock, from what I have seen.

Are you at the point that death would be the only relief, or are you still looking for another way to continue living? If you would want to continue living if you could find a solution to your problems, perhaps you could look for medical help, or help in some kind of specialized anorexia group. I'm just mentioning some theories, though.

 

[finish.me]

I'm not fully following along here... I may just be ignorant... but are you really suffering from anorexia if you do eat? I'm just under the impression that people who suffer from anorexia do everything that they can not to eat.

You seem to have regressed into the anorexia somewhat, though. Are you turning your diet around all the time now, so that you start eating a lot, and then you eat almost nothing, and then you repeat the cycle?



Don't worry - you are not alone in having such mixed feelings about death. It sounds like you do wish to end your life, but are uncertain about what happens next. This is a common roadblock, from what I have seen.

Are you at the point that death would be the only relief, or are you still looking for another way to continue living? If you would want to continue living if you could find a solution to your problems, perhaps you could look for medical help, or help in some kind of specialized anorexia group. I'm just mentioning some theories, though.

I can see how this is confusing lol don't worry about being ignorant- there's even a bit of discourse about what the criteria for AN is within the community. Anorexia is a disorder characterized by food obsession and intake, and the criteria of diagnosis is food restriction, fear of gaining weight, distorted body image, etc. you could argue I have EDNOS because I'm currently not underweight, depending on who you ask. But anorexics binge eat. Only 10% of anorexics don't. I've gone through phases where I've had a coke 0 and a pack of Skittles as my only meal for days and days. 2 week fasts. Binge eating is just hand in hand with the disorder.

This isn't new though, I've been doing this since I was 16. My life since developing it has literally just been cycling through being underweight and gaining it all back and being underweight again.

People say even if you recover the thoughts and feelings don't really go away. If, right now, while I'm healthy and full and thinking straight because at the moment my body is properly nourished, and STILL feel like shit- then I don't think there's much that will change if I get real medical help for it. Plus, I felt the same before it developed. I think death could be relief but at the same time, something in me thinks otherwise. I'd be dead now if there wasn't something intuitive inside telling me I can't die yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

Dying is not easy and it can be difficult to let go of fears. After all it is your life and only you know when/if the right time is to leave, I believe that it is a feeling that someone has that they know it is time to be gone and I think that many people manage to leave when they get completely desperate. It sounds like you are going through a lot, this life really can be so tiring and painful. I'm sorry that you have to endure so much. I hope that in whatever you do, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I can see how this is confusing lol don't worry about being ignorant- there's even a bit of discourse about what the criteria for AN is within the community. Anorexia is a disorder characterized by food obsession and intake, and the criteria of diagnosis is food restriction, fear of gaining weight, distorted body image, etc. you could argue I have EDNOS because I'm currently not underweight, depending on who you ask. But anorexics binge eat. Only 10% of anorexics don't. I've gone through phases where I've had a coke 0 and a pack of Skittles as my only meal for days and days. 2 week fasts. Binge eating is just hand in hand with the disorder.

This isn't new though, I've been doing this since I was 16. My life since developing it has literally just been cycling through being underweight and gaining it all back and being underweight again.

People say even if you recover the thoughts and feelings don't really go away. If, right now, while I'm healthy and full and thinking straight because at the moment my body is properly nourished, and STILL feel like shit- then I don't think there's much that will change if I get real medical help for it. Plus, I felt the same before it developed. I think death could be relief but at the same time, something in me thinks otherwise. I'd be dead now if there wasn't something intuitive inside telling me I can't die yet.

where you mentioned not being underweight i just thought id throw in atypical anorexia.

 

[Julgran]

I can see how this is confusing lol don't worry about being ignorant- there's even a bit of discourse about what the criteria for AN is within the community. Anorexia is a disorder characterized by food obsession and intake, and the criteria of diagnosis is food restriction, fear of gaining weight, distorted body image, etc. you could argue I have EDNOS because I'm currently not underweight, depending on who you ask. But anorexics binge eat. Only 10% of anorexics don't. I've gone through phases where I've had a coke 0 and a pack of Skittles as my only meal for days and days. 2 week fasts. Binge eating is just hand in hand with the disorder.

This isn't new though, I've been doing this since I was 16. My life since developing it has literally just been cycling through being underweight and gaining it all back and being underweight again.

Thank you for clarifying! Now I think I follow along.

People say even if you recover the thoughts and feelings don't really go away. If, right now, while I'm healthy and full and thinking straight because at the moment my body is properly nourished, and STILL feel like shit- then I don't think there's much that will change if I get real medical help for it. Plus, I felt the same before it developed. I think death could be relief but at the same time, something in me thinks otherwise. I'd be dead now if there wasn't something intuitive inside telling me I can't die yet.

Is the anorexia the cause of your problems and the part of you who wishes to end your life - or are those separate problems for you? Since you mentioned the anorexia, I will assume that it plays a big part in your suffering.

What you decide to do next or in the future comes down to if you can find something to live for, I guess. I'm not the one to advocate life, but if there's any slight feeling of wanting to live, in you, you may want to pursue every possible path to improvement.

 

[finish.me]

where you mentioned not being underweight i just thought id throw in atypical anorexia.

Yeah that's probably more of an apt descriptor for me, I haven't really sought out a diagnosis or care that much about one so I really don't know what a doctor would make of me. I just remember being 16 and the word worked as like, a general label for what I was starting to feel.

Thank you for clarifying! Now I think I follow along.



Is the anorexia the cause of your problems and the part of you who wishes to end your life - or are those separate problems for you? Since you mentioned the anorexia, I will assume that it plays a big part in your suffering.

What you decide to do next or in the future comes down to if you can find something to live for, I guess. I'm not the one to advocate life, but if there's any slight feeling of wanting to live, in you, you may want to purpose every possible path to improvement.

My problems.. I guess a good portion of them stem from issues with my body and my perception of it. But there's other things. Ive had issues with my moods since I was 8, the main thing is feeling empty all the time, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing and if anythings worth doing. I'm lazy. Nothing makes me happy. If I do feel any type of joy it's all in short fleeting bursts that are only brought on by like, eating, and drugs, drinking. So there's this layer of having things I know I used to like doing and pursuing it because it's all I know, and having an idea of what would make other people happy and pursuing it because I know that's what a normal person would do, and then the fact that I know it will not actually make me happy or fulfilled. My boyfriend wants to make music with me and I plan to stick around for that because in my mind it sounds fun and it feels like a good direction to take my life in. I love my boyfriend, I know this. He gives me those bursts of joy and I feel peaceful with him. So that's what I'll do for now, but everything in the in-between is spent bored, in pain. Hating myself and people and how stupid everything is and that it doesn't matter that I'm gonna spend time with him and make anything because it's gonna end and even in the moment I get lost and don't care or I don't feel TOO intensely about it anyway. Knowing that all opportunities to feel any kind of euphoria are spaced so far apart is fucking torture. Like, everything good will always be suppressed by the bad no matter what changes, so why do I feel inclined to pursue it and be alive if 95% of life is shit and the other 5% is a little good.

 

[Julgran]

Yeah that's probably more of an apt descriptor for me, I haven't really sought out a diagnosis or care that much about one so I really don't know what a doctor would make of me. I just remember being 16 and the word worked as like, a general label for what I was starting to feel.

My problems.. I guess a good portion of them stem from issues with my body and my perception of it. But there's other things. Ive had issues with my moods since I was 8, the main thing is feeling empty all the time, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing and if anythings worth doing. I'm lazy. Nothing makes me happy. If I do feel any type of joy it's all in short fleeting bursts that are only brought on by like, eating, and drugs, drinking. So there's this layer of having things I know I used to like doing and pursuing it because it's all I know, and having an idea of what would make other people happy and pursuing it because I know that's what a normal person would do, and then the fact that I know it will not actually make me happy or fulfilled. My boyfriend wants to make music with me and I plan to stick around for that because in my mind it sounds fun and it feels like a good direction to take my life in. I love my boyfriend, I know this. He gives me those bursts of joy and I feel peaceful with him. So that's what I'll do for now, but everything in the in-between is spent bored, in pain. Hating myself and people and how stupid everything is and that it doesn't matter that I'm gonna spend time with him and make anything because it's gonna end and even in the moment I get lost and don't care or I don't feel TOO intensely about it anyway. Knowing that all opportunities to feel any kind of euphoria are spaced so far apart is fucking torture. Like, everything good will always be suppressed by the bad no matter what changes, so why do I feel inclined to pursue it and be alive if 95% of life is shit and the other 5% is a little good.

You are making a lot of sense. Now, I don't want to reduce your problems down into a diagnosis, but you definitely sound depressed, and I hope that you can find some joy in the company of your boyfriend.

I can only wish you very much luck!