I-can-only-imagine
Student
- Apr 26, 2021
- 135
I dont know why i even bother sometimes. As you may have worked out, today was not the best day!
1. Im trying to get a transfer at work but they are being a pain about it - even though they have made my MH so much worse and being stuck here in the middle of no-where is making things so much worse. I cant even get hold of the people i need to talk to about it so why do i even try? Literally before it all blew up at work, i was just severely depressed. Now i am constantly on edge, paranoid and anxious on top of it, all because of work.
2. My colleague pretends to OTHERS that she cares but then is rude to me and thinks she is superior and continues to talk about me behind my back.
3. I need a new prescription for sleeping medications as i dont want the benzos long term as cannot afford to have withdrawal symptoms, even though the higher dose actually works. My GP is away for 3 weeks so i ask to see a specific other doctor. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, if not by name than usually by sight and because of being in the medical field, myself and my colleagues are generally remembered well. So I dont want to just see anyone. It isnt easy for me to talk and open up about my MH struggles atm. Normally the GP's make exceptions for us and help us out a lot. This GP isnt taking new patients so i asked for a message to be passed asking him if he would at least be willing to see me for a one off appt this week, let him know who i was etc, because i also need my blood test results for my lithium levels which were changed last month. He said no. I dont want to see someone i dont know and trust! i dont want to have to go to another clinic and see someone i dont know and trust. I didnt think asking for ONE 15 min appt would be much to ask. Many of my colleagues who see him always sing his praises and always say how he goes out of his way for them etc. So now i feel worthless.
WHATS THE FUCKING POINT?!?!!?!? If it wasnt for my cats and dog i would seriously be close to ctb. But i have no family nearby - my immediate family is the other side of the world. Most of my friends and support network are 8 hours drive away. Closest family member 10 hour drive away. I have come home and i feel crazy, like i am going to explode, a huge fireball of different emotions. Like i could just run and run but i cant and my mind is racing and i cant sit still. I am angry and frustrated and wondering why i should even fucking try. Maybe i wont and maybe i will just stop fighting and let them see the results of it. This may ruin my career but that is highly unlikely given the things i am aware of.
Sorry for the rant. Hoping that writing this and smoking stops me from SH but i will be honest and say it is unlikely!
1. Im trying to get a transfer at work but they are being a pain about it - even though they have made my MH so much worse and being stuck here in the middle of no-where is making things so much worse. I cant even get hold of the people i need to talk to about it so why do i even try? Literally before it all blew up at work, i was just severely depressed. Now i am constantly on edge, paranoid and anxious on top of it, all because of work.
2. My colleague pretends to OTHERS that she cares but then is rude to me and thinks she is superior and continues to talk about me behind my back.
3. I need a new prescription for sleeping medications as i dont want the benzos long term as cannot afford to have withdrawal symptoms, even though the higher dose actually works. My GP is away for 3 weeks so i ask to see a specific other doctor. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, if not by name than usually by sight and because of being in the medical field, myself and my colleagues are generally remembered well. So I dont want to just see anyone. It isnt easy for me to talk and open up about my MH struggles atm. Normally the GP's make exceptions for us and help us out a lot. This GP isnt taking new patients so i asked for a message to be passed asking him if he would at least be willing to see me for a one off appt this week, let him know who i was etc, because i also need my blood test results for my lithium levels which were changed last month. He said no. I dont want to see someone i dont know and trust! i dont want to have to go to another clinic and see someone i dont know and trust. I didnt think asking for ONE 15 min appt would be much to ask. Many of my colleagues who see him always sing his praises and always say how he goes out of his way for them etc. So now i feel worthless.
WHATS THE FUCKING POINT?!?!!?!? If it wasnt for my cats and dog i would seriously be close to ctb. But i have no family nearby - my immediate family is the other side of the world. Most of my friends and support network are 8 hours drive away. Closest family member 10 hour drive away. I have come home and i feel crazy, like i am going to explode, a huge fireball of different emotions. Like i could just run and run but i cant and my mind is racing and i cant sit still. I am angry and frustrated and wondering why i should even fucking try. Maybe i wont and maybe i will just stop fighting and let them see the results of it. This may ruin my career but that is highly unlikely given the things i am aware of.
Sorry for the rant. Hoping that writing this and smoking stops me from SH but i will be honest and say it is unlikely!
