halcyon
want to die n be free with my love<3
- Jul 13, 2021
- 29
If you didn't see my introduction post, my girlfriend & I plan to CTB together in April 2022/2023.
I know many people would prefer to die alone, but the experience of knowing someone is going to die with me has been overwhelming. When I look at my girlfriend, all I can picture is the moment we'll hold hands, and pull the triggers.
We've both been through immense amounts of pain. My childhood was awful. I was abused sexually for years, and left with copious amounts of trauma that just can't be fixed. My girlfriend had a similar situation. She was heavily abused as well, and is also heavily traumatized. The pain that has been put upon us is just too much to bear. I've tried dealing with it in many ways: therapy, medication, everything. But it won't go away. There's no hope for my life. I'm 18 years old, freshly graduating from high school. I had shitty grades, and my motivation was gone by 11th grade. I wish I had CTB'ed back in the day, when I was 15 years old and first discovering what suicidal ideation is.
It's the best option for me. I'm 100% dedicated, as is my girlfriend. We aren't afraid anymore. The only reason we're waiting is because we aren't able to purchase our guns yet, financially.
Life has been nothing but pain, on top of pain. I suffer from BPD, major depression, PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, and more. These illnesses tear me down, every single day. They ruin, and they ruin, and they ruin. I'm stuck in my head, fighting to get out, clawing at the walls of my brain. There is no escape.
Death will be my ticket out. The way to escape the pain I've experienced in this life, and hopefully, the way to find better in the next. And I'm so thrilled to CTB with my girlfriend. God, she's the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my soulmate, 100% the love of my life. And we'll leave this shitty world together, hand-in-hand.
I know many people would prefer to die alone, but the experience of knowing someone is going to die with me has been overwhelming. When I look at my girlfriend, all I can picture is the moment we'll hold hands, and pull the triggers.
We've both been through immense amounts of pain. My childhood was awful. I was abused sexually for years, and left with copious amounts of trauma that just can't be fixed. My girlfriend had a similar situation. She was heavily abused as well, and is also heavily traumatized. The pain that has been put upon us is just too much to bear. I've tried dealing with it in many ways: therapy, medication, everything. But it won't go away. There's no hope for my life. I'm 18 years old, freshly graduating from high school. I had shitty grades, and my motivation was gone by 11th grade. I wish I had CTB'ed back in the day, when I was 15 years old and first discovering what suicidal ideation is.
It's the best option for me. I'm 100% dedicated, as is my girlfriend. We aren't afraid anymore. The only reason we're waiting is because we aren't able to purchase our guns yet, financially.
Life has been nothing but pain, on top of pain. I suffer from BPD, major depression, PTSD, schizoaffective disorder, and more. These illnesses tear me down, every single day. They ruin, and they ruin, and they ruin. I'm stuck in my head, fighting to get out, clawing at the walls of my brain. There is no escape.
Death will be my ticket out. The way to escape the pain I've experienced in this life, and hopefully, the way to find better in the next. And I'm so thrilled to CTB with my girlfriend. God, she's the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my soulmate, 100% the love of my life. And we'll leave this shitty world together, hand-in-hand.
