why does this always happen

[user667]

right before i plan to kill myself (i was planning on saturday) i start to feel better or numb or i start distracting myself and i'm unable to stop. i just want to feel all the pain so i can do it. and i know if i don't kill myself i'll feel so much worse. i guess maybe my brain is trying to protect me because of survival instinct but i don't fucking want it. why is this happening? FUCK YOU I JUST WANT TO DIE JUST LET ME FEEL BAD SO I CAN GO!!!!! i'll never be able to do it like this unless i feel so hopeless i have to. but i know i want to die i do and i know if i don't do it i'll regret it. why won't my brain just let me be free. please let me go.

 

[Deathbydemo]

Survival instinct is a bitch. I feel you. What method are you planning on using? Do you think there is even a small chance things might get better and you'll decide to stay?

 

[user667]

Survival instinct is a bitch. I feel you. What method are you planning on using? Do you think there is even a small chance things might get better and you'll decide to stay?

SN. and absolutely not. there is no doubt in my mind that death is what i want and the best option for me.

 

[WornOutLife]

Same here. It seems leaving this planet won't be so easy.

 

[user667]

Same here. It seems leaving this planet won't be so easy.

at least im not alone. i hope things get better for you. and let me know if u find a solution lol

 

[infinitelove]

I know exactly what you mean. For me, my plan was to never feel hopeless and in pain when I go. I've accepted my circumstances and give myself permission and the right to be at peace and graceful about the whole process. CBT doesn't have to be some sort of punishment or impulsive act done out of desperation. Naturally I'm a joyful and creative person who loves everything and everyone, yet I know my time is coming to a close for personal reasons. Don't be so hard on yourself with this. Maybe let things be and work on developing and sticking to a rational decision that overrides what you feel is a good or bad day. Make the most of what feels good, I see it as a enjoying my retirement even though I'm in my 20s. All the best:)

 

[death137]

Same here. I hope not but if it again stop me the next time then I will intentionally make things very desperate so it can help me beat SI and false hope. If you are told wild dogs are coming to you and will eat you alive if you don't ctb very soon then you will probably do it. I want that kind of desperation. I tried this many times in the past so next time for me to probably succeed it needs to be big. But I really hope to ctb without this drama.

 

[life-eternal]

It's happening to me too. I've never reached a point where i was so sure i wanted to kill myself, yet my brain all of a sudden gets out of that mental space after like half an hour and i start feeling like i have a future and fun things to do. And then after like 10 minutes i go back to being suicidal and planning my end. It is driving me fucking crazy!

I think it is our brain trying to stay alive.