microwaved_dawg
Certified dumbass
- Nov 22, 2024
- 56
I don't know why it has to be like this, I don't know why sometimes I just feel like a caged animal. No matter where I go, no matter who I hang out with, no matter what I do, I always feel the need to just "GET OUTTA THERE". Even if I should be happy I don't really feel comfortable, I never want to stay. I've been diagnosed with MDD and GAD and I'm medicated for that, but the pills still don't seem to help with that feeling, they just make me not entirely give up.
I've driven everyone around me away because I just seem to fuck shit up subconciously, even if I'm doing my best not to create disturbances I always end up doing stupid shit, taking bad decisions, lashing out, hurting those I love and forcing everyone who cares about me to just hate me.
I've been through 3 friend groups since I got to college, all 3 have been a total disaster and I feel like the common denominator is me, after I'm gone they seem to be doing fine, they seem to find joy in the fact that my trainwreck of a life causes me pain, of starting rummors, of telling people just how bad of a person I am. There's even examples of people that have tarnished my image beyond recognition and still come to me for help, acting as if they did nothing just because I'm the one who "knows shit" about my bullshit ass electronics engineering degree and they know for a fact that I'm not strong enough to stop them. They just use me to their heart's content and throw me away.
I don't want things to be like this, I really wish things could be like in highschool, where I felt loved, comfortable and happy to help with people not expecting anything out of me more than my friendship. I don't know why my life has taken such a decline after getting into college.
I've thought about transfering to another degree, maybe it's the people in here that are making me like this. I've always liked electronics since I was a child, I was doing arduino projects in middle school, all I learnt by myself because of just how much passion I had for it. I seem to have lost that spark, and the only classes I do fine at are the programming-oriented ones. I was thinking of going to ICTs engineering on the new campus, it's in a foresty area on the outskirts of the city and they have a much easier time with classes and a much better schedule.
There's one big caveat though, my girlfriend told me it was either staying in electronics engineering with her or going to ICTs alone. It's either her or my transfer and that's a really heavy decision considering that I have till friday to submit my paperwork for the transfer. I'm most likely staying because I really don't want to lose her, I've done so much harm to her and in spite of that she keeps loving me, she keeps being by my side when everyone else just leaves, she says she's gonna try to help me get that knack for electronics again. However, I'm really scared, what if it doesn't happen, what if I keep going down?, what if she finally gets fed up of me?.
I really want to stay, I really want to like it, I really want to be a good person, I really want to not feel like this.
What can I do?, I don't want to keep running, any help is kindly regarded.
I've driven everyone around me away because I just seem to fuck shit up subconciously, even if I'm doing my best not to create disturbances I always end up doing stupid shit, taking bad decisions, lashing out, hurting those I love and forcing everyone who cares about me to just hate me.
I've been through 3 friend groups since I got to college, all 3 have been a total disaster and I feel like the common denominator is me, after I'm gone they seem to be doing fine, they seem to find joy in the fact that my trainwreck of a life causes me pain, of starting rummors, of telling people just how bad of a person I am. There's even examples of people that have tarnished my image beyond recognition and still come to me for help, acting as if they did nothing just because I'm the one who "knows shit" about my bullshit ass electronics engineering degree and they know for a fact that I'm not strong enough to stop them. They just use me to their heart's content and throw me away.
I don't want things to be like this, I really wish things could be like in highschool, where I felt loved, comfortable and happy to help with people not expecting anything out of me more than my friendship. I don't know why my life has taken such a decline after getting into college.
I've thought about transfering to another degree, maybe it's the people in here that are making me like this. I've always liked electronics since I was a child, I was doing arduino projects in middle school, all I learnt by myself because of just how much passion I had for it. I seem to have lost that spark, and the only classes I do fine at are the programming-oriented ones. I was thinking of going to ICTs engineering on the new campus, it's in a foresty area on the outskirts of the city and they have a much easier time with classes and a much better schedule.
There's one big caveat though, my girlfriend told me it was either staying in electronics engineering with her or going to ICTs alone. It's either her or my transfer and that's a really heavy decision considering that I have till friday to submit my paperwork for the transfer. I'm most likely staying because I really don't want to lose her, I've done so much harm to her and in spite of that she keeps loving me, she keeps being by my side when everyone else just leaves, she says she's gonna try to help me get that knack for electronics again. However, I'm really scared, what if it doesn't happen, what if I keep going down?, what if she finally gets fed up of me?.
I really want to stay, I really want to like it, I really want to be a good person, I really want to not feel like this.
What can I do?, I don't want to keep running, any help is kindly regarded.
