raincandy_v
命に嫌われている。
- May 25, 2026
- 13
I'm self-destructive at best. I always feel like I take everything good around me and destroy it cause I am not used to having something good.
I dont feel like I deserve nice things.
The last year for me went from an extreme high, to so low. I had work, I had starting dating a girl who I thought was honest with me(wlw), I had made friends and thought for the first time in a long time in life "wow, maybe things can get better."
I should've known better. She used me for parts to make herself feel better. I worked hard to help her and take care of myself, try and be foundation. I was working 50-70 hours a week and I hated every moment but I did it.
For the first few months I swear it was perfect. It went downhill and just never stopped. Eventually she literally abandoned me overnight, causing me to have a breakdown. I quit my job overnight a few days after; stayed home and cut for days. I had recently made friends in a social server and I know my mood there swung hard.
I moved and ended up being by myself for months, living alone and not doing anything; becoming hikikomori. A long term friend had asked me to move over 1k km to live with them so guess what, I loaded everything and moved in with them.
Nowadays I regret it. I miss my agency. I am watched over constantly despite everything. I have my door closed for a few hours and get knocks. They constantly try to wake me in the mornings. They try to make me do constant things with them despite me wanting to be left alone.
A good example was today. I barely have had any sleep, fell asleep and had about 3 hours sleep. They let themselves into my room and startled me awake, asking me to do things, to wake up and go with them somewhere. Meanwhile I struggled to even open my eyes. I thought they caught on when they said "Oh you seem to not be feeling well, I will let you rest."
Yeah, whatever. They did it three more damn times =.=
the last one to tell me "Oh hey, I am gonna go out. I don't want to be inside". I told them to send me a ping whenever they got where they were going. They tried to make it out that I was going to come join them. I told them it was so if something happened, I could get ahold of them.
I can't just leave either. They funded me moving to them, so it makes it kind of hard. I cook, clean, help with stuff inside and out (despite my lack of wanting to be outside).
I help them get all over, going with them to get things or for them. I buy food and drinks with my meager savings to help provide. But I still have that linger over my head.
"They got me here".
They went through my room and sort of hid or took my sharps, they constantly make contact with me despite my expression statements on not wanting to be touched. Their excuse is "it is good and I deserve good contact" but also let slip the other day they pat my arms and thighs to see if I make a face or noise of pain from self harm.
Sure, I was miserable on my own. But I had agency, I had privacy. Now I just have people constantly trying to make me do things, despite me telling them specifically I don't want to do anything constantly. Always telling me "Oh I have depression too" "Oh I have mental health too". Then WHY can't you respect MINE?!
After my day yesterday, and the so far today I just want to curl up in a ball and just turn to nothing; feeling it would be the solution to all my problems, and that of many others.
I guess I should have just cut myself away from everyone and disappeared when I had the chance to do so.
I dont feel like I deserve nice things.
The last year for me went from an extreme high, to so low. I had work, I had starting dating a girl who I thought was honest with me(wlw), I had made friends and thought for the first time in a long time in life "wow, maybe things can get better."
I should've known better. She used me for parts to make herself feel better. I worked hard to help her and take care of myself, try and be foundation. I was working 50-70 hours a week and I hated every moment but I did it.
For the first few months I swear it was perfect. It went downhill and just never stopped. Eventually she literally abandoned me overnight, causing me to have a breakdown. I quit my job overnight a few days after; stayed home and cut for days. I had recently made friends in a social server and I know my mood there swung hard.
I moved and ended up being by myself for months, living alone and not doing anything; becoming hikikomori. A long term friend had asked me to move over 1k km to live with them so guess what, I loaded everything and moved in with them.
Nowadays I regret it. I miss my agency. I am watched over constantly despite everything. I have my door closed for a few hours and get knocks. They constantly try to wake me in the mornings. They try to make me do constant things with them despite me wanting to be left alone.
A good example was today. I barely have had any sleep, fell asleep and had about 3 hours sleep. They let themselves into my room and startled me awake, asking me to do things, to wake up and go with them somewhere. Meanwhile I struggled to even open my eyes. I thought they caught on when they said "Oh you seem to not be feeling well, I will let you rest."
Yeah, whatever. They did it three more damn times =.=
the last one to tell me "Oh hey, I am gonna go out. I don't want to be inside". I told them to send me a ping whenever they got where they were going. They tried to make it out that I was going to come join them. I told them it was so if something happened, I could get ahold of them.
I can't just leave either. They funded me moving to them, so it makes it kind of hard. I cook, clean, help with stuff inside and out (despite my lack of wanting to be outside).
I help them get all over, going with them to get things or for them. I buy food and drinks with my meager savings to help provide. But I still have that linger over my head.
"They got me here".
They went through my room and sort of hid or took my sharps, they constantly make contact with me despite my expression statements on not wanting to be touched. Their excuse is "it is good and I deserve good contact" but also let slip the other day they pat my arms and thighs to see if I make a face or noise of pain from self harm.
Sure, I was miserable on my own. But I had agency, I had privacy. Now I just have people constantly trying to make me do things, despite me telling them specifically I don't want to do anything constantly. Always telling me "Oh I have depression too" "Oh I have mental health too". Then WHY can't you respect MINE?!
After my day yesterday, and the so far today I just want to curl up in a ball and just turn to nothing; feeling it would be the solution to all my problems, and that of many others.
I guess I should have just cut myself away from everyone and disappeared when I had the chance to do so.
