Discussion why did you back out?

[blackorchid]

for those of you who have backed out last moment, or had something stopping you from doing it, why? how was it?

nothing wrong with it. more of what made you change your mind? was it sudden or something clicked out of nowhere? maybe your method had a little flaw you never noticed?

is everything so worthless in the end? is there anymore? what lies beyond? what's left to carry on?

 

[Redacted24]

I was about 30 min from having the means at hand and getting myself to the location.

A coworker called me about a non-work related thing (I had taken the day off of work that day)

My coworkers had no idea, I hadn't hinted because I hadn't planned to go that day.

We talked for a few minutes about nothing. When we were done, something my therapist had said months or a year ago came into my mind.

"You have the right to be happy"

As clearly and vividly as if they were standing there with me.

And that broke the spell. I walked the hour back to my house empty handed. And started to research methods until I found this place.

And finding others that are struggling opened my eyes. Made me feel less alone. Made me feel heard and valid. Felt that others could care about me. And here I am 2+ years later, trying to make a new life for myself.

Just my story.

 

[Zamasu999]

for those of you who have backed out last moment, or had something stopping you from doing it, why? how was it?

nothing wrong with it. more of what made you change your mind? was it sudden or something clicked out of nowhere? maybe your method had a little flaw you never noticed?

is everything so worthless in the end? is there anymore? what lies beyond? what's left to carry on?

me personally it's always the good memories comin back, s if mybrain was desperatly trying to stop me from doing it, also the fear of "what if there was actually a God and i went to hell and all these terrible things happened to me" i dont believe in God but i was born a believer and was fed all these horrible stories about what happens to non-believers since i was born so it's a little hard to get completely rid of the fear.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The anchor broke

 

[blackorchid]

I was about 30 min from having the means at hand and getting myself to the location.

A coworker called me about a non-work related thing (I had taken the day off of work that day)

My coworkers had no idea, I hadn't hinted because I hadn't planned to go that day.

We talked for a few minutes about nothing. When we were done, something my therapist had said months or a year ago came into my mind.

"You have the right to be happy"

As clearly and vividly as if they were standing there with me.

And that broke the spell. I walked the hour back to my house empty handed. And started to research methods until I found this place.

And finding others that are struggling opened my eyes. Made me feel less alone. Made me feel heard and valid. Felt that others could care about me. And here I am 2+ years later, trying to make a new life for myself.

Just my story.

so would you say you're still pulling through? how has that realization changed your perspective on things. of course you have the right to be happy. ai'm glad you're here

me personally it's always the good memories comin back, s if mybrain was desperatly trying to stop me from doing it, also the fear of "what if there was actually a God and i went to hell and all these terrible things happened to me" i dont believe in God but i was born a believer and was fed all these horrible stories about what happens to non-believers since i was born so it's a little hard to get completely rid of the fear.

a bit of the same here. not religious myself but my family is and all I can think of is I'm going to hell and my family will be excruciatingly judged for not "bringing me closer to god". do you think the good memories coming back is some sort of mechnism of SI?

 

[rowfish]

for those of you who have backed out last moment, or had something stopping you from doing it, why? how was it?

nothing wrong with it. more of what made you change your mind? was it sudden or something clicked out of nowhere? maybe your method had a little flaw you never noticed?

is everything so worthless in the end? is there anymore? what lies beyond? what's left to carry on?

turns out, no matter how many times i convince myself, im still terrified of death. right before i kicked the chair, all i could think of was what would happen after i died. like how my family would find me, how my friends would react and things like that... the chair slipped anyways but im still alive today sooo

 

[slowlybreaking]

It was the perfect place and time, I could've ctb right there but I was yet to finish my note and a couple recordings. Remembering that made me afraid and had to stop setting the anchor point. It did make me realize how determined I am of dying; I was pretty straightforward with it until I went "wait, there's stuff I gotta do first", pretty sure I didn't even need alcohol to go. I wasn't properly dressed either, so there's that.

 

[blackorchid]

It was the perfect place and time, I could've ctb right there but I was yet to finish my note and a couple recordings. Remembering that made me afraid and had to stop setting the anchor point. It did make me realize how determined I am of dying; I was pretty straightforward with it until I went "wait, there's stuff I gotta do first", pretty sure I didn't even need alcohol to go. I wasn't properly dressed either, so there's that.

I understand. same happened to me a few days ago except my tings left to do weren't that crucial. don't know how to feel about it. sending you a big hug

 

[100memoryleaks]

I was about 30 min from having the means at hand and getting myself to the location.

A coworker called me about a non-work related thing (I had taken the day off of work that day)

My coworkers had no idea, I hadn't hinted because I hadn't planned to go that day.

We talked for a few minutes about nothing. When we were done, something my therapist had said months or a year ago came into my mind.

"You have the right to be happy"

As clearly and vividly as if they were standing there with me.

And that broke the spell. I walked the hour back to my house empty handed. And started to research methods until I found this place.

And finding others that are struggling opened my eyes. Made me feel less alone. Made me feel heard and valid. Felt that others could care about me. And here I am 2+ years later, trying to make a new life for myself.

Just my story.

huh, that's a very thought provoking quote from your therapist.

 

[Redacted24]

so would you say you're still pulling through? how has that realization changed your perspective on things. of course you have the right to be happy. ai'm glad you're here

I'm sure trying but it's really difficult.
After my near go during my research I found a site before finding this one where the authour suggested that ending one's life - as it is, that's driving the hurt - could mean getting out of the abusive relationship, the bad job, the toxic family, whatever and starting over. It didn't always mean ending the physical life.

And that spurred me to give that a try to see if I could find life after those were gone.

So I'm trying to get past all of those first. If that doesn't make a difference, if my right to happiness doesn't actually exist, or I can't find it, well there are options.

Thank you for your kind wishes and support.
I'm so very sorry you're here too.

 

[RosieKim]

turns out, no matter how many times i convince myself, im still terrified of death. right before i kicked the chair, all i could think of was what would happen after i died. like how my family would find me, how my friends would react and things like that... the chair slipped anyways but im still alive today sooo

this is one of my biggest fears is family finding me. i don't want to be a burden after death, i want to find a place away and do it

 

[blackorchid]

I'm sure trying but it's really difficult.
After my near go during my research I found a site before finding this one where the authour suggested that ending one's life - as it is, that's driving the hurt - could mean getting out of the abusive relationship, the bad job, the toxic family, whatever and starting over. It didn't always mean ending the physical life.

And that spurred me to give that a try to see if I could find life after those were gone.

So I'm trying to get past all of those first. If that doesn't make a difference, if my right to happiness doesn't actually exist, or I can't find it, well there are options.

Thank you for your kind wishes and support.
I'm so very sorry you're here too.

I hope you do find a way out of all the things that hurt you. you already walked the hardest step. and I meant I'm glad you're still here in life, existing. haha. sasu is not the greatest place to be at.