Venting "why did karma always gets to me" -my mom when i relapse. when she's convinced im getting better, she's mean to me again

[moya117]

i still remember how we fight, it starts out with my mom noticing that im not the "cheery girl" as usual. she asks me whats wrong and i can't dodge that question.
i answer and by the look on her face, i know she is fed up with me. just throwing "just be patient" and all that with a voice that does not feel as though she's concerned.
i of course ask her again like always "how" she gets defensive and said that i never take her advice, and that is why im not healing.
for some reason my mom bring out my weight
"you have been getting fat again" i did not know how and why that comes out of my mom's mouth, she knows, SHE KNOWS im struggling with my weight since i take meds, she witness me crying over and over again, me not wanting to go out and me not wanting to see my reflection in the mirror.
i said that im sensitive about that topic and asks her to please do not bring it up again, i did not shout nor did i said it with a rude tone. im tired, i really am.
"im always wrong! of course it's me that is wrong! why did karma always gets to me?! what about my abusers?"
she cried.

i always comfort my mom whenever she cried, but this time, i can't bring myself to. im too tired for all of this.

for as long as i can remember, i have always been my mom's therapist, she even said that she vent to me when im still a baby becouse she does not have any friends close enough to talk to and im like half of her soul, thats how close we are. i have always been the problem solver in the family, no matter how small it is, she's the one that comes up to me and asks me for help.
when i give her advice, she just said yes and then does the opposite, creating more problems for ME to solve. im glad that she told me about all these things because i know if she didn't, she can't solve it herself.

but im tired, i really am.

i don't cry anymore when she's near, i don't have a gloomy face on me anymore, i even made a lot of jokes and laugh along till she's a little bit iritated at me.
my mom is convinced im better.
of course my mask is not perfect, i sleep all day, i stay up all night because its the only time i get by being myself and not get told to do small things for my family, like bringing them food and water, taking care of the mess my sister makes and all that. but apparently that is not enough for her, of course it is, because i only do things whenever she asks me to do it.
she starts to bring her frustation on me again.
saying things like "im the one that does everything in this house"

i feel useless

i have a "job" (not anymore), my mom is the boss, im her assistant. i didn't get paid, she says its so that her debt gets covered quickly and that its goes for the family anyways including me.
i don't have the money to buy sn.
my method is drowning, but i realize the water of the only river i know in this city is too shallow.

 

[Persik]

I'm really sorry to hear all this. If you could leave this mother, would it help you live a better life?

 

[moya117]

I'm really sorry to hear all this. If you could leave this mother, would it help you live a better life?

i think so, but i would feel very guilty. though i can see myself living seperately with her and i just provide her with money in the future

 

[Persik]

i think so, but i would feel very guilty. though i can see myself living seperately with her and i just provide her with money in the future

If she's violent, then you have to run. You don't have to feel guilty, because this is an extreme step for the survival of your psyche and body. Yes, you can help her from a distance if you want. But we must act.

 

[theblueveil]

I'm sorry you're being treated this way. The older you get, the more attainable a way out will feel. I hope you can enjoy your life away from her treatment soon.

 

[supremacyofdeath]

i think so, but i would feel very guilty. though i can see myself living seperately with her and i just provide her with money in the future

As someone who abandoned their mother long ago, you will always sort of feel some type of guilt.
But that's just how abusive relationships and dynamics work unfortunately. A part of us will always "miss" the toxicity. It's something only a lot of reflection and "therapy" will help.
When you do leave, she might turn even more bitter. Yelling and crying and screaming "how could you leave me when I've done nothing but be SUCH a GREAT mother" . Maybe she won't speak to you. Maybe she'll do a complete 180 and try to put on a mask of pretending to care and being nice. From experience— this one will always go away the moment you fall for it.
Leaving a toxic environment will always be difficult but you always have to commit and think of all the terrible things that have happened that led you to wanting to leave in the first place.
I'm sorry for you OP, mothers always seem to be our worst enemies sometimes. I know living with mine was an absolute nightmare that I'd rather forget. Hopefully an opportunity arises for you to get an actual job and earn money to either run far far away or at least get what you need for a sweet release into the abyss.

 

[moya117]

If she's violent, then you have to run. You don't have to feel guilty, because this is an extreme step for the survival of your psyche and body. Yes, you can help her from a distance if you want. But we must act.

i dont find work yet, my mom told me jut to stay home, besides who is gonna take care of my sister when she's working away from home

I'm sorry you're being treated this way. The older you get, the more attainable a way out will feel. I hope you can enjoy your life away from her treatment soon.

i really wish... but its just unlikely

As someone who abandoned their mother long ago, you will always sort of feel some type of guilt.
But that's just how abusive relationships and dynamics work unfortunately. A part of us will always "miss" the toxicity. It's something only a lot of reflection and "therapy" will help.
When you do leave, she might turn even more bitter. Yelling and crying and screaming "how could you leave me when I've done nothing but be SUCH a GREAT mother" . Maybe she won't speak to you. Maybe she'll do a complete 180 and try to put on a mask of pretending to care and being nice. From experience— this one will always go away the moment you fall for it.
Leaving a toxic environment will always be difficult but you always have to commit and think of all the terrible things that have happened that led you to wanting to leave in the first place.
I'm sorry for you OP, mothers always seem to be our worst enemies sometimes. I know living with mine was an absolute nightmare that I'd rather forget. Hopefully an opportunity arises for you to get an actual job and earn money to either run far far away or at least get what you need for a sweet release into the abyss.

pray for me that i don't feel guilty leaving my family so i can ctb in peace

 

[LittleMagician]

i still remember how we fight, it starts out with my mom noticing that im not the "cheery girl" as usual. she asks me whats wrong and i can't dodge that question.
i answer and by the look on her face, i know she is fed up with me. just throwing "just be patient" and all that with a voice that does not feel as though she's concerned.
i of course ask her again like always "how" she gets defensive and said that i never take her advice, and that is why im not healing.
for some reason my mom bring out my weight
"you have been getting fat again" i did not know how and why that comes out of my mom's mouth, she knows, SHE KNOWS im struggling with my weight since i take meds, she witness me crying over and over again, me not wanting to go out and me not wanting to see my reflection in the mirror.
i said that im sensitive about that topic and asks her to please do not bring it up again, i did not shout nor did i said it with a rude tone. im tired, i really am.
"im always wrong! of course it's me that is wrong! why did karma always gets to me?! what about my abusers?"
she cried.

i always comfort my mom whenever she cried, but this time, i can't bring myself to. im too tired for all of this.

for as long as i can remember, i have always been my mom's therapist, she even said that she vent to me when im still a baby becouse she does not have any friends close enough to talk to and im like half of her soul, thats how close we are. i have always been the problem solver in the family, no matter how small it is, she's the one that comes up to me and asks me for help.
when i give her advice, she just said yes and then does the opposite, creating more problems for ME to solve. im glad that she told me about all these things because i know if she didn't, she can't solve it herself.

but im tired, i really am.

i don't cry anymore when she's near, i don't have a gloomy face on me anymore, i even made a lot of jokes and laugh along till she's a little bit iritated at me.
my mom is convinced im better.
of course my mask is not perfect, i sleep all day, i stay up all night because its the only time i get by being myself and not get told to do small things for my family, like bringing them food and water, taking care of the mess my sister makes and all that. but apparently that is not enough for her, of course it is, because i only do things whenever she asks me to do it.
she starts to bring her frustation on me again.
saying things like "im the one that does everything in this house"

i feel useless

i have a "job" (not anymore), my mom is the boss, im her assistant. i didn't get paid, she says its so that her debt gets covered quickly and that its goes for the family anyways including me.
i don't have the money to buy sn.
my method is drowning, but i realize the water of the only river i know in this city is too shallow.

The karma was her bringing you into this world and then making you feel like shit when you didn't live up to her expectations

 

[moya117]

The karma was her bringing you into this world and then making you feel like shit when you didn't live up to her expectations

Lolol, she admittedly said that she wants children because if she doesn't have any then who is gonna take care of her when she's old

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Have you ever tried looking into getting some sort of online job that you could do? I feel like you definitely need to save up and move away from her and cut her out of your life. It sounds like your mom doesn't treat you like her child but rather treats you as though you are her therapist/nanny/personal servant instead. She is basically just leeching off you emotionally, physically, and financially. Your mother being lonely and having emotional issues is not your problem. You don't owe her shit. I feel like you should look into potential avenues to get yourself away from her.

 

[Persik]

i dont find work yet, my mom told me jut to stay home, besides who is gonna take care of my sister when she's working away from home

i really wish... but its just unlikely

pray for me that i don't feel guilty leaving my family so i can ctb in peace

No matter how dire your situation is, you can still find a way out. You need to think about it and make a plan that will save you with minimal risks and losses. Just remember that you are only you, and no one will ever live your life for you. And to the mother who thought she was giving birth to children for her own use, you should not be afraid to show that, no matter how much you respect her, you are still a free person and that children are not born to please the whims of their parents.
Oh, and of course, she will press you in every way to pity, she has already dumped your sister into your care. Remember, she is tying you up more and more and manipulating your feelings more and more. I would not tell my mother anything, only after I moved would she find out what happened. And, try to maintain a good feeling for your sister and mother, it will be useful to you (but without dependence)

 

[moya117]

Have you ever tried looking into getting some sort of online job that you could do? I feel like you definitely need to save up and move away from her and cut her out of your life. It sounds like your mom doesn't treat you like her child but rather treats you as though you are her therapist/nanny/personal servant instead. She is basically just leeching off you emotionally, physically, and financially. Your mother being lonely and having emotional issues is not your problem. You don't owe her shit. I feel like you should look into potential avenues to get yourself away from her.

i tried, but im a highschool dropout, i drop out of highschool because my mental health is really bad, and where i live in indonesia almost no one wants a highschool dropout.
you know what high-school dropout ppl see in the comments when they tried to find jobs? laugh emojis and mockeries.
and even though i find a job, a lot of them here doesn't meet the minimum wage at all even though its like 10+hrs shift

No matter how dire your situation is, you can still find a way out. You need to think about it and make a plan that will save you with minimal risks and losses. Just remember that you are only you, and no one will ever live your life for you. And to the mother who thought she was giving birth to children for her own use, you should not be afraid to show that, no matter how much you respect her, you are still a free person and that children are not born to please the whims of their parents.
Oh, and of course, she will press you in every way to pity, she has already dumped your sister into your care. Remember, she is tying you up more and more and manipulating your feelings more and more. I would not tell my mother anything, only after I moved would she find out what happened. And, try to maintain a good feeling for your sister and mother, it will be useful to you (but without dependence)

i don't think she knows that she is manipulating me, she really loves me, its just that i think she is not ready to have a child