Venting Why did i do this to myself

[SterileMoth]

Not sure why I made plans with people anymore. It was just a lame attempt at pretending I'm fine. I really don't want to leave my house and go socialize. Not sure I have the energy for it, messaging people is tiring, let alone leaving the house to be in a bar. Every time someone asks how I'm doing or what I'm up to I gotta spew some bs, can't tell them I've spent all day looking up ways to ctb. Now I get to do that in public. Ugh

 

[Huntfish34]

Thanks for sharing that, I can relate in So many ways. I hate it. =/

 

[Soul]

I can relate too. I haven't left the house in over 3 months and the idea of going out exhausts me. At the same time I know this lethargy is doing me harm, and I wish I could somehow find myself out somewhere having a nice time.

Take me with you, @SterileMoth? I'll sit in your hair and we can both try to enjoy it?

 

[thethatsitboy]

It is really difficult to do that kind of thing in public. If you have someone that you feel comfortable with, try to invite to your house or goign to his/hers. I am a homely person, i prefer doing things w/ people inside a house, although lately it is hard to do. Always try something and then make your best decision! Be cool

 

[SterileMoth]

I can relate too. I haven't left the house in over 3 months and the idea of going out exhausts me. At the same time I know this lethargy is doing me harm, and I wish I could somehow find myself out somewhere having a nice time.

Take me with you, @SterileMoth? I'll sit in your hair and we can both try to enjoy it?

That sounds great, honestly going out and being with people who get it is much easier. There's no need to pretend as much if someone is on the same page as you. You can just be sad and tired and quiet together.

I guess I'm lucky in that I had a brief "vacation" from it, I was sitting at about a 6 on the suicide scale for about a week at the end of June (Referring to: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicidal-scale.41262/) so I actually got out a fair amount in that week for the first time since covid-19 hit. I'd put myself at a 9 now.

It is really difficult to do that kind of thing in public. If you have someone that you feel comfortable with, try to invite to your house or goign to his/hers. I am a homely person, i prefer doing things w/ people inside a house, although lately it is hard to do. Always try something and then make your best decision! Be cool

I wish I could, I had hoped to go over to one friends house but he works tomorrow morning and just wants a quick visit at the bar, the other lives farther off but she prefers households as well. I might just try to keep it short, or maybe after the first guy leaves me and her could sit in a park. I despise bars and pubs, but that's where everyone wants to meet at.

 

[thethatsitboy]

I despise bars and pubs, but that's where everyone wants to meet at.

I hate those places too. A park is really good option tho. Maybe trying to be honest may be better, but it all depends. I hope you the best!

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Socializing sometimes makes me feel worse, since I realize that I am not happy at all and that I can't even fit into an upbeat social situation.

 

[Desideratum]

Try going for a tiny bit. You might be surprised how a small bit of social interaction will help you. It may top up your calm feelings for a while.

 

[Unspoken]

I can relate. I am going to visit friends at the end of July in a different state. I've gained a lot of weight being depressed and I don't want anyone to see me. I also know I'm going to have to spew a lot of bullshit to a lot of people that I'm doing great. Meanwhile I'm going to ctb as soon as I return home. Why did I agree to booking this trip? I think maybe I want to say goodbye.

 

[SterileMoth]

I can relate. I am going to visit friends at the end of July in a different state. I've gained a lot of weight being depressed and I don't want anyone to see me. I also know I'm going to have to spew a lot of bullshit to a lot of people that I'm doing great. Meanwhile I'm going to ctb as soon as I return home. Why did I agree to booking this trip? I think maybe I want to say goodbye.

I understand. The friend I was going to see today cancelled on me. Was relieved to not have to go. Wish I could see her though, not sure when I'll ctb but I'd like to hang out before then even if I have to lie about my feelings.

 

[Cashewmilk]

the other day I went out and I was in a cab, and I had to fart really badly but I held it... I was so angry and it just reminded how much I love being at home.

 

[Existingnotliving]

Yep, I feel this x