Why can't I? What is stopping me?

[Aboutblue]

I can't buy the SN. I'm so frustrated. I keep getting ready to buy it and not doing it. It's not that I don't want to die. I do. I'm so tired. I once had a wonderful girlfriend for 9 years and then I ruined our entire relationship to the point where she will never speak to me again. I have no goals or dreams. No desires. I don't care about anything.

I have two methods picked out. Popular suicide bridge near me or SN. But the more I think about it the more I don't want all my bones crushed and to drown. So that means SN. Which is so easy and costs less than $50. It's so easy anyone could do it. Yet I can't even fucking order it.

I don't know if this is SI or just distaste at the thought of being a blue corpse or what. I don't even have to use it if I buy it and I still can't buy it. Which means living in a constant state of depression and suffering. Why is there no better way out?? What is wrong with me?

I'm supposed to be working today and all I've done is cry and try to get myself to buy it and still I cannot.

I'm desperate. I don't want to live anymore. I'm exhausted. So what the fuck am I waiting for? Am I the only one completely stuck?

 

[Julgran]

I can't buy the SN. I'm so frustrated. I keep getting ready to buy it and not doing it. It's not that I don't want to die. I do. I'm so tired. I once had a wonderful girlfriend for 9 years and then I ruined our entire relationship to the point where she will never speak to me again. I have no goals or dreams. No desires. I don't care about anything.

It's sad to hear this. It seems like heartbreak is in the mix, which I assume is a horrible state of being.

I have two methods picked out. Popular suicide bridge near me or SN. But the more I think about it the more I don't want all my bones crushed and to drown. So that means SN. Which is so easy and costs less than $50. It's so easy anyone could do it. Yet I can't even fucking order it.

I don't know if this is SI or just distaste at the thought of being a blue corpse or what. I don't even have to use it if I buy it and I still can't buy it. Which means living in a constant state of depression and suffering. Why is there no better way out??

If you do decide to end your life eventually, your body will turn blue anyway from the lack of oxygen. It will probably also happen if you die from old age, so don't worry about how your body will turn out.

What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. However, are you very sure that you wish to end your life? It's nothing that one should do, since it's an action to be taken only if there's nothing left to live for.

I'm supposed to be working today and all I've done is cry and try to get myself to buy it and still I cannot.

I'm desperate. I don't want to live anymore. I'm exhausted. So what the fuck am I waiting for? Am I the only one completely stuck?

You seem to be doing the opposite of what some people here have done - namely to buy the SN just to have it safely at hand, within reach, should the urge to use the SN arise.

You could buy the SN and then throw it away, as a sign to yourself that you actually don't want to end your life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be tiring being in that situation. After all, only you know if leaving this world is the right thing for yourself, I believe that it is a feeling that someone has that they are certain about their decision and have no more doubts. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Worndown]

Do not let the thought if being a blue corpse worry you. (You never hear of a Smurf worrying about it)
Seriously, everyone shares some of these issues. It might be hard to live but it is harder to die. Keep checking the threads and you might find the info you need.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

I feel you, and I've been in the same boat. I remember laughing at the characters in like zombie movies who can't get themselves to ctb even when surrounded and are 100% doomed. But yeah it's really difficult to just go for it. It's like an epic fight between billions of years of evolution and resulting innate survival instinct vs rational part of the brain saying there's literally no reason to continue.

But I'll say this, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's just the way we are engineered. You just cant fight some things with logical reasoning. Also FWIW, I'm pretty sure drowning also produces a bloated corpse that looks even worse.