Venting why can’t i just die

[reznikoff]

i've been playing good and playing nice since my last attempt in november. then starting february 2020 i have been relapsing into alcohol drugs and just not taking care of myself. this past month especially has been so fucking hard for me and i just can't do it. for days i was fiddling around with what i could do or try. stockpiled around 150 prescription pills. couldn't even get halfway through them those before getting violently sick, passing out, waking up, getting sick again and now i'm here typing this.

yes i know OD suicides rarely work - i don't want that lecture. it was out of desperation. i'm not afraid to admit that. i have tried hanging myself, both full & partial suspension, but have always chickened out the SECOND s.i. kicked in. i know i gotta stop getting in my head or whatever.

but anyways. i been trying to ctb for a long time now. i'm not talking days or weeks or months. literally years. it would always be the wrong timing, or i would fuck up the attempt, or couldn't go through with it, was intervened, etc. i just wanna go man it's so hard

 

[randomz]

Although I haven't attempted yet I can see how you feel. I guess if your attempts failed so far then maybe you are not prepared to go yet. Maybe you should explore more options to feel better with your life.

 

[Letmego. Please]

I am not trying to judge your situation or even imagine I know anything about what has brought you here, but I do sometimes wonder if people (in general, not aimed at you) put as much mental effort into trying to find other options, solutions or ways of living as they do into thinking about ending it all, some people might spend less time feeling like shit.

Sorry just the opinion of an old fart

 

[reznikoff]

I am not trying to judge your situation or even imagine I know anything about what has brought you here, but I do sometimes wonder if people (in general, not aimed at you) put as much mental effort into trying to find other options, solutions or ways of living as they do into thinking about ending it all, some people might spend less time feeling like shit.

Sorry just the opinion of an old fart

No no I understand what you mean. Personally, I have. I was actually really happy for a while. Things took a massive turn for the worse within the last 6 months however. Now i'm at a crossroads

 

[Letmego. Please]

@reznikoff

I'm sorry to hear things have got a hell of a lot worse, I understand how life has a habit of tipping us upside down ((Hugs))

 

[cappuccinogirl]

Yes I agree amazing how hard it is even when you know you don't have any choice. Ridiculous.

Hope you can find way to improve things or find peace. If pills easier for you plenty ppl try it xx