painoflife
Arcanist
- Jul 27, 2019
- 494
I don't understand why I keep seeking and engaging with help to recover when I know that it isn't possible and I don't want to even try (and fail).
I am under CMHT (in the UK) and they yesterday tricked me into a meeting with the crisis team because I told them I was actively preparing and practicing to CTB. I told the crisis team I didn't want to see them because it would make things worse for me and so I am back just with CMHT but I don't even know why I disclosed so much information about myself. I don't want help and everything that is tried by myself or them fails and that just makes it even worse for me. I can see that nothing will help me and because I can't move on from things I see no option but CTB because I am ruining other people lives with my constant low mood and I just feel so much pain being alive.
I only asked for help in the first place because that is what other people expected me to do, I didn't do it for myself. I still only engage with stuff (half heartedly) to keep people quiet and it's getting hard to do that when if anything it makes me feel worse.
I have told my CPN that I want him to tell me that it is ok to CTB but I know that he isn't allowed to do that, he was able to tell me that it was ok that I admitted I felt like that but he can't condone acting on it. He is so enthusiastic and is trying so hard to help me, this week alone he has spent 4 hours with me which is a lot considering how busy MH services are and it's meant to be 1 hour per month. I feel I am both wasting his time and also letting him down.
This isn't one of them things where I'm not sure, I am certain I need to CTB soon but I can't stop forcing myself to do what other people ask of me at the expense of my own needs.
Sorry for the rant, just a lot going on in my head right now.
I am under CMHT (in the UK) and they yesterday tricked me into a meeting with the crisis team because I told them I was actively preparing and practicing to CTB. I told the crisis team I didn't want to see them because it would make things worse for me and so I am back just with CMHT but I don't even know why I disclosed so much information about myself. I don't want help and everything that is tried by myself or them fails and that just makes it even worse for me. I can see that nothing will help me and because I can't move on from things I see no option but CTB because I am ruining other people lives with my constant low mood and I just feel so much pain being alive.
I only asked for help in the first place because that is what other people expected me to do, I didn't do it for myself. I still only engage with stuff (half heartedly) to keep people quiet and it's getting hard to do that when if anything it makes me feel worse.
I have told my CPN that I want him to tell me that it is ok to CTB but I know that he isn't allowed to do that, he was able to tell me that it was ok that I admitted I felt like that but he can't condone acting on it. He is so enthusiastic and is trying so hard to help me, this week alone he has spent 4 hours with me which is a lot considering how busy MH services are and it's meant to be 1 hour per month. I feel I am both wasting his time and also letting him down.
This isn't one of them things where I'm not sure, I am certain I need to CTB soon but I can't stop forcing myself to do what other people ask of me at the expense of my own needs.
Sorry for the rant, just a lot going on in my head right now.
