I tried to kill myself tonight and I felt nothing (it was a shitty unplanned attempt)

[NZkiwi]

Thank you Sasu for being a safe space

Breaking my own rule and posting here, I guess my behaviour has been recovery orientated

It was a shitty attempt, idk why im down playing it I guess I wasn't distressed and didn't really plan it
i'm not in obvious distress, not crying just mute and nothing
Spent a while trying to find a rope in my room, nothing
Got a little turned off SN cause the videos I watched didn't seem peaceful
Video of the hanging seemed more peaceful but also idk

This wasn't planned
I don't want to tell my mental health team I am under
I don't want to tell my friends even though they will support me
I don't want to make a scene

found a belt
tried strangling myself with it felt a pinch maybe a tingle but no black out
found a doorknob and stried shittily partial self hanging but didn't work out as planed

tried for 5 minutes
i don't self harm physically so this is new to me

this wasn't really planned

I just want to quietly die and maybe now would be the best time

this is harder than i thought, problably need ot work on it
it'll get better with time

I can experience joy in other peoples live, and I do
I don't experience joy in my own

And my behaviour is throwing things in the cot to try feel something than to do
idk

I don't know if I want to recovery but am engaging
I don't know if i want to kill myself but i guess having a go

 

[StupidGirl001]

So sorry you felt like this. Being stuck in this no wanting to live nor to die limbo is so hard...
But hopefully you'll be able to overcome this with the help of your mental team, one step at a time

 

[NZkiwi]

made a group chat with my friends part of safetly plan

sent the message bellow
got a call from a friend on night shift

took my meds

gonna see my friend tmrw for lunch
work in evening
i dont feel comfortbsle calling crisis team

***


just messaging cause part of safety plan and i feel incredibly guilty now

im sorry im sorry im sorry

im okay
just gonna take my meds and go to sleep
quetiapine will knock me out

i dont know how to communicate somethings
idk just felt off
might of tried to hang myself tonight after work
it was a shitty attempt, not plannednand it woudlnt have worked either, door knob was too low and belt would have just made me feel uncomfortable than black out or anything

idk im gonna probably regret sending this
im okay just feel pretty shitty and dont want to burdern one person so just gonna shout into the void

im sorry
im sorry
im sorry

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm so sorry to hear that you were not able to achieve the goal.
Please don't try non methods it'll only lead to frustration