10mmc
Member
- Aug 18, 2026
- 14
It's a massive blessing to be able to actually talk about these things since registering for this site. I have tried to post on other forums, and, you know, things would be removed and you'd get the generic "get help" type stuff and hotline recommendations. :( I find it unhelpful. I don't want to go inpatient again.
So I appreciate this space and everyone's feedback.
Two days ago, I don't know what the hell happened. I get low, really low. Ideation is kind of always present, but I find meaning in my kids and spouse and other things like gardening. I go to church even though it's felt pretty hollow, but I have seen it do wonders for my spouse, who has bipolar depression. So I am very supportive of it and push him to go, as it's helped him.
A couple days ago, I blew through all the things that usually chill me out, and I partially hung myself. I organized it all, but I decided not to text the police or anyone what I was doing or my location. I skipped goodbyes and wrote everything on my phone and tablet instead. I didn't want to deal with the emergency, and I didn't know if I would be coming home alive that day. I was uncertain.
I went somewhere alone, somewhere no one would be. I went into a room, tied a strap to a garage-style door bar, and put it around my neck using a slipknot. I slowly lowered myself off the box, but WTF, I didn't figure for the slack. I could barely tie the slipknot right, which is nuts because I tie knots for fishing all the time. But, I don't know, I kept having to do it. My mind wasn't steady.
This thing let me down until my feet touched the floor, and I was on the tips of my feet with my neck stretched out. I started to sit down and feel everything go numb, with a pressure in my face. I stood up and climbed back up that box so fucking fast and ripped it off. I was struggling to loosen it and get it off. I collapsed and sat for a second, feeling completely paralyzed.
But then I did it again.
I moved the box over and went for the partial. I put it around my neck and started to sit down and bend my knees until I could feel an enormous pressure building. I readjusted myself, and the pressure relieved slightly and everything started to dull.
My face felt fuzzy. My bottom lip felt fuzzy. My arms came down from being around my neck and just kind of moved into an "S" position, idk. I just felt like I was no longer moving them completely on my own. My vision started to really get weird, and it hadn't been more than a few seconds at this point.
I had this thought that this was basically it, like I either got up or I was choosing to die today. I had this thought—it's so dumb—about how bad my husband would struggle with the kids, and I summoned what I had left to grab the door rail and get up and loosen the noose. And I am obviously here now.
But I haven't told anyone, and I can't imagine doing so. I feel torn between doing this again and saying something, but I don't want to deal with the fallout
I have thoughts of doing it again, and I understand I could do it and die if I lose consciousness, even if I chickened out again and had a feeling of regret and intended to free myself. But that's also what is appealing about hanging myself, I guess. Idk.
I am confused about what happened and am nearly 48 hours into a gnarly fucking headache and ear and eye pain. My neck hurts, honestly.
I am struggling to understand if this is just ideation or what this act meant to me, because I totally fucked off and chickened out. I nearly spoke up about it and the conversation just went shit, idk couldn't find the nerve and we talked about depression in a very filtered way the "I am having a hard day, im fine tho" pretty much thr extent of it and the advice they had just felt so clinical and it was off putting. Like take magnesium and go for walks. I realized the discussion with them was clearly burdening to them. I'm glad i didn't tel them more honestly but It's still changed the way I see this person because I thought we had a different relationship than what we actually do and I feel a bit let down considering I have listened to them in hard times about a variety of things. Not that my actions that day had any affiliation with them and I also think it's not really fair to burden anyone with this.
So I appreciate this space and everyone's feedback.
Two days ago, I don't know what the hell happened. I get low, really low. Ideation is kind of always present, but I find meaning in my kids and spouse and other things like gardening. I go to church even though it's felt pretty hollow, but I have seen it do wonders for my spouse, who has bipolar depression. So I am very supportive of it and push him to go, as it's helped him.
A couple days ago, I blew through all the things that usually chill me out, and I partially hung myself. I organized it all, but I decided not to text the police or anyone what I was doing or my location. I skipped goodbyes and wrote everything on my phone and tablet instead. I didn't want to deal with the emergency, and I didn't know if I would be coming home alive that day. I was uncertain.
I went somewhere alone, somewhere no one would be. I went into a room, tied a strap to a garage-style door bar, and put it around my neck using a slipknot. I slowly lowered myself off the box, but WTF, I didn't figure for the slack. I could barely tie the slipknot right, which is nuts because I tie knots for fishing all the time. But, I don't know, I kept having to do it. My mind wasn't steady.
This thing let me down until my feet touched the floor, and I was on the tips of my feet with my neck stretched out. I started to sit down and feel everything go numb, with a pressure in my face. I stood up and climbed back up that box so fucking fast and ripped it off. I was struggling to loosen it and get it off. I collapsed and sat for a second, feeling completely paralyzed.
But then I did it again.
I moved the box over and went for the partial. I put it around my neck and started to sit down and bend my knees until I could feel an enormous pressure building. I readjusted myself, and the pressure relieved slightly and everything started to dull.
My face felt fuzzy. My bottom lip felt fuzzy. My arms came down from being around my neck and just kind of moved into an "S" position, idk. I just felt like I was no longer moving them completely on my own. My vision started to really get weird, and it hadn't been more than a few seconds at this point.
I had this thought that this was basically it, like I either got up or I was choosing to die today. I had this thought—it's so dumb—about how bad my husband would struggle with the kids, and I summoned what I had left to grab the door rail and get up and loosen the noose. And I am obviously here now.
But I haven't told anyone, and I can't imagine doing so. I feel torn between doing this again and saying something, but I don't want to deal with the fallout
I have thoughts of doing it again, and I understand I could do it and die if I lose consciousness, even if I chickened out again and had a feeling of regret and intended to free myself. But that's also what is appealing about hanging myself, I guess. Idk.
I am confused about what happened and am nearly 48 hours into a gnarly fucking headache and ear and eye pain. My neck hurts, honestly.
I am struggling to understand if this is just ideation or what this act meant to me, because I totally fucked off and chickened out. I nearly spoke up about it and the conversation just went shit, idk couldn't find the nerve and we talked about depression in a very filtered way the "I am having a hard day, im fine tho" pretty much thr extent of it and the advice they had just felt so clinical and it was off putting. Like take magnesium and go for walks. I realized the discussion with them was clearly burdening to them. I'm glad i didn't tel them more honestly but It's still changed the way I see this person because I thought we had a different relationship than what we actually do and I feel a bit let down considering I have listened to them in hard times about a variety of things. Not that my actions that day had any affiliation with them and I also think it's not really fair to burden anyone with this.
