Venting Who Am I?

[cyclamen]

I don't know who I am.

I barely cry anymore. I don't know if I like it or not.

Who I am inside is so different from what I actually show. I've spent the whole day today yearning to die and wishing I was alone, and yet I've laughed so much.

I cant think straight, and when I can, I'm overthinking about things that stress me out and cant do anything about. I dont want to think anymore. I cant even drown everything out with music.

Scratching myself helps. I like how my skin burns afterwards. My head still hurts. The relief is temporary.

I'm absolutely surrounded by people. There are so many family members around that I cant have a moment alone, but when I'm with them I feel more lonely than ever. I dont like how they dont notice anything. Am I that good at hiding it? Im thinking about killing myself every single second and they don't notice? I dont get it.

I dont know. I'm confused.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

There are so many paradoxes of our situation that you bring to light...

A sadness so profound, you can't cry. Eventually you get used to feeling this way. You're numb to it. Sometimes you just want to bawl your eyes out, but you can't bring yourself to do it.

I think, therefore I am, but my thoughts pain me. Your ability to think is what defines your existence, but it also threatens your existence. All you can think about are the things that plague you. Why can't we force ourselves to think about only happy things? Anxiety doesn't work that way.

Being surrounded by people, but feeling so alone. When the people around us don't truly see us, we feel as if there's no one there. The more people, the more we feel lost. Still, we hope we find someone.

Wanting to hide our pain, but wanting it to be noticed. We want to be seen, understood, cared for. We want people to think about us and want what's best for us. But we're also scared of what they might think about us, how they might hurt us, or how we might hurt them.

I'm confused too. I wish all this were easier. Sending you virtual hugs.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Don't go giving me an existential crisis like this, I hate this question. No idea who I am ngl; I feel like I'm constantly forcing myself to act and speak in certain ways and I don't know what the 'real' me is actually supposed to be like. I don't know how I fit into the world as a person.