Discussion Which of your lost/diminished capacities make you the most suicidal?

[_Gollum_]

I feel that over the years I have just lost, and lost, and lost, namely in my capacities, both mental and physical.

Mentally, the loss that hurts the most is my ability to learn languages and just learn things in general/be curious. I also find myself very apathetic and unable to care about a lot of events in my country and around the world. My memory is also shot to the point where it's a running joke in the family that I don't remember anything.

Physically, recurring episodes of anorexia and bulimia have left me with metabolic issues and GI issues, among others. It has taken from me my beauty, my youth, my fitness, and my ability to gain any of that back. I now feel physically limited in a way that no 25-year-old who is otherwise healthy and non-sedentary should. I feel my age in my bones; I have not been able to handle things like minor lack of sleep since I was about 20. I just can't fight my body anymore.

What about you guys? What loss in capacity hurts you most?

 

[unluckysadness]

I have multiple physical and mental health issues too, and I think it's a mix of several things that makes me suicidal. But in the end, I think that severe anxiety is the worst. I could manage 2 or 3 issues (even my neuromuscular disease) I think, but when EVERYTHING is fucked and when you are just here to survive with constant pain, thinking about suicide is logical. And when I go out (just to pick up some packages), I see people who just live normally (driving, having friends, no pain, ...) it makes me more suicidal. Isolation is not good at all but seeing people happy is maybe worse in my case.

 

[itsgone2]

Memory also bad for me. I've had severe issues with insomnia that I'm sure are to blame. Also learning in general. I'm not the same I was before. Everything is cloudy now.
Physically just tinnitus. Although it's gotten worse lately and is becoming a concern.

 

[die2live]

Memory, clear speech, all cognitive skills basically. Rapid ageing due to stress. Inability to socialise

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The loss of the ability to maintain interest in anything and focus on activities for more than a second without getting distracted by anything which comes across my senses is painful.

 

[shampoo sniffer]

Lack of socialisation skills. I'm actually fairly healthy otherwise.

 

[katara]

Memory also bad for me. I've had severe issues with insomnia that I'm sure are to blame. Also learning in general. I'm not the same I was before. Everything is cloudy now.
Physically just tinnitus. Although it's gotten worse lately and is becoming a concern.

I can't learn a language. I see ppl on here always talking about playing games with each other, vc, learning languages, all things I never get to experience

 

[vig919]

To laugh and get lost in the moment.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Loss of confidence and social ability. Also loss of athleticism. Working out hard requires belief in yourself and a future. It's all gone. I'm only alive in the bare physical sense.

 

[SoulCage]

Mostly my cognitive abilities. I believe I am in a constant state of exhaustion because complex thinking is too much and my body triggers the "go sleep" response. I am very slow with everything and I can't multitask. Exactly what makes me unable to work for the capitalist system and ensure my survival.

I was lucky, because I was kinda having a good brain in school and met my bf there. Many years later, he still supports me and ensures that I don't have to completely sustain myself alone.
But I feel like such a burden. And I don't know how much longer I want to feel so dependent.

So yeah... Pretty sure that most of my hopelessness comes from my weak brain.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Not about skills or cognitive abilities per se but I long for how I was before certain devastating experiences (one big one in particular above all). The more time passes and the older I get the more what it was like before those things becomes a distant memory.

Emotionally speaking I miss when I wasn't so riddled with anger and violent energy as a function of those experiences.

 

[_Gollum_]

Bump

 

[qewpie]

the ability to perceive gravity like a healthy person. ie straight up and down. instead of being tilted forward all the goddamn time

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Mental stability and social skills, less achievable with aging. About physical issues, I have none, what is a complete contradiction, I know.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My biggest loss at the moment is even a basic level of fitness. I'm going to have to address it soon because it's making everything so much more difficult. I know I shouldn't complain because- that's largely self inflicted.

The past few years, my love for being creative has been waning too. Which really always goes hand in hand with a rise in suicidality- seeing as it's been my coping mechanism throughout life.

There are other things that are gone that I don't miss so much. I don't even want a romantic partner now. That was an intense desire for a couple of decades but, life's so much calmer without all that going on.

Just generally too I suppose. I don't have all that much desire for anything. I used to enjoy visiting places etc. Now, not very much at all feels worth it. But then- I don't usually have the time or money to do stuff anyway so- that's also for the best really!

It's this weird combination for me of feeling calmer in myself- which I make a point of enjoying. Because I don't have these burning desires and career ambitions now. The problem with them was the feeling and dread of failure and rejection that always accompanied them. It's nice to be rid of those elements.

On the other hand though, without those drives and motivation, it tends to make it all feel so monumentally pointless! It's harder to maintain a reasonably high functioning life too- when there's next to no desire to do so. All I feel left with is this feeling that I have to keep going (for my Dad's sake.) And- even more- I have to keep going while maintaining the appearance of being ok. Which I'm just exhausted from. Plus, I resent having to- underneath it all. So- I suppose my patience/ tolerance is in shreds too.

 

[astr4]

my intelligence… may it rest in peace…

part of drug addiction plus depression. there's this fear that i will get sober and still be stupid and it will all have been for naught. at least when i'm taking pills i can cling to this belief that i'm still intelligent. to be sober and stupid and still unable to do anything with my life would probably be my tipping point.

another one is my voice. i used to major in vocal music at university (and minored in english despite how i now type with the intelligence of a toddler), but smoking has ruined my lungs and my throat. i mean, at least copd will bring me closer to death, but yeah. how awful to meet the consequences of my own actions.

 

[shiftingtendons]

lost my emotional stability. i was so level headed years ago, but now i am diagnosed with bpd which means i am a walking bomb just ready to detonate at any inconvenience

 

[kipstriesagain]

My physical health is in the garbage. Every time I feel extended physical pain I become deeply suicidal. I have chronic pain in my left leg and carpal tunnel in my right hand. Plus constant migraines from past self harm (banging my head on things) If I'm always hurting physically why would I want to go on? Just for it to keep getting worse as time progresses? No thanks.

 

[VoidedExistence]

Social skills, I can't be around other people. I always get super nervous and awkward. My brain gets fogged, so I don't function well. Which is why I still haven't gotten a job and probably never will.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Used to be so motivated, now I have no motivation and constant brainfog. I hate how ugly my body is getting as I get older too.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Ptsd is not fun. The smallest of events cam require colossal effort. That's me.

 

[tieiwi]

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child by parents with undiagnosed mental illnesses! I believe I had undiagnosed illnesses myself that my parents ignored due to stigma! Now I struggle with every single thing because my body is a complete war zone! Everyone I interact with doesn't actually like me and only interacts with me out of pity and politeness!!!!

Anyway, I feel deeply for OP everyone on here. I wish that one day we are all able to find peace.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Cognitively dull nowadays. My thoughts just stew around. I can feel that I'm not making connections. There used to be an effort I made towards things that I didn't even realize I was making. I only notice it now that it's gone. It used to be like an unconscious "A > B > C = D" of starting in one place and making a series of connections and actions to get an outcome. Now I get stuck in loops like "A = A" or "A > B > A" or everything's out of order.

For a concrete example, I can't feel responsible for tasks. Even though I know this is my job and I have to do things in a sequence and that's my role. I'm standing there like I'm expecting someone else to show up and do it. Like I can't imagine it being me in this situation. It would be like going from naturally thinking about picking up a glass of water and your arm moving to the glass, to thinking about picking up a glass of water and just looking at it expecting something to happen but not making the connection to move my own body.

The only things I feel capable of are complete autopilot like walking and driving. Nothing goal oriented coheres at all.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Rapidly declining mental and physical abilities. If I dont ctb I will be a vegetable (both mentally and physically) by 25, if not before.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I have multiple physical and mental health issues too, and I think it's a mix of several things that makes me suicidal. But in the end, I think that severe anxiety is the worst. I could manage 2 or 3 issues (even my neuromuscular disease) I think, but when EVERYTHING is fucked and when you are just here to survive with constant pain, thinking about suicide is logical. And when I go out (just to pick up some packages), I see people who just live normally (driving, having friends, no pain, ...) it makes me more suicidal. Isolation is not good at all but seeing people happy is maybe worse in my case.

Same here. The best thing for me when i get out to take a walk is to take that walk in a very desolate place. I dont want to meet or see any people, because as you said seeing healthy people that are even older tham me makes me more suicidal.
I also lost most of my sex drive too, some with age and some because of my depression. I also became a lot more forgetful and stupid in the recent years.

 

[indiannarose]

Yah I'm 30 and feel 40, and struggling with self care and exercise so it's gonna get worse. My muscle loss and brain function (attention span, motivation, speed) is so depressing. No desire for romantic interaction of any kind ever again. Can't laugh anymore. Soo relate to everyone here.