Discussion When did you realize you were defective?

[Fadeawaaaay]

I've led a trail of self-destruction through most of my life but managed to fool myself into believing I was on my own special path - that I would manifest something brilliant in the future.
And then it all came crashing down and I realized I had been delusional- never really followed through with anything or accomplished very much… no family, marriage, career- financial ruin on the horizon. Anti depressants kept my spirit energized with false hope. Lots of brilliant schemes barely initiated then abandoned.
Don't wanna quit life but no motivation to do more then exist.

 

[J007]

Welcome to the club...
You're not alone just look around.
We're all fucked up more or less.
And most of us are waiting for ending up
this shitty life at the earliest opportunity.
Some can't get what they need to ctb
some just sit, observe and try sort things out
before it's too late.
Cheer up.
Life's not too bad, just people are wankers...

 

[Al Cappella]

Boy—great question. Started with "different" when I was like 7 or 8. I knew I wasn't like the other kids. That lasted into my 20s. I was still full of piss & vinegar, & so blamed society & partners…but doubt started to creep in. By 30 I knew it was me. No question. Then came the diagnoses to match. Then it took another 20 years to accept it. And on it goes…

 

[motel rooms]

Life's not too bad, just people are wankers...

Life itself is the biggest wanker imaginable.

 

[Funeralprincess]

I realized I was defective when my family turned on me for being "unstable". I realized I was defective when my friends left me when I needed a shoulder to cry on and was no longer of use for them. I realized I was defective when my professors found me to be a liability because of my excruciating anxiety and treatment resistant depression. I realized I was defective when I was treated like an option rather than number one… I realized I was defective when doctors and therapists couldn't stand me anymore, despite it being their job to help people. I realized I was defective when I endlessly sabotaged everything in my path effortlessly, as if on auto pilot. I realized I was defective when the man I was with for almost six years and wanted to marry made me think we'd be back together, but for two years strung me along just because he could, while he secretly found my mental illness to be disgusting. All of these things plus other issues in my life have piled up over the years, motivating me to commit suicide. I hope to be gone by this summer. I hope to be in another world maybe I'll have a chance to not be so broken, so sick, so angry so…. Hard. I wake up every day thinking about death, avidly reading this forum too to bottom as it gives me comfort, peace, and a sense of community despite the fact I won't be here too long to remain part of it… being defective has made me realize the world isn't crafted for people like me because despite being defective, all I want to do is love and be loved, but nobody will love a defective person forever. You learn when you're defective that love is conditional, care is conditional, help is conditional, EVERYTHING is fucking conditional.

 

[braindead911]

When I was born in to a shitty world that's based all on luck. I blame parents.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

Not sure of the exact age, but pretty much all I can remember is always being defective.

 

[jimmy7754]

I tried.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

When i realized i couldnt stand myself due to my ASAB.

 

[its-about-time]

Got a letter from my CIA handler stating they are no longer updating my microchip's software. Jk, sort of. Some bugs make games more fun, others make them unplayable. Maybe I was right all along and this has all been an experiment, but honestly I do try to just not give a fuck about it anymore, I'm not smart enough to prove my theory and it's gonna end with me shooting myself in front of that one therapist and I don't want that to be what people remember me for :/

 

[StrangePossum]

I've felt "different" for a long time, since I was around 5 maybe? I was always a shy and quiet kid and couldn't make friends easily, but people at least told me I was smart. Then the mental illness stuff started showing up when I was 13 or so, and I watched as everyone gradually lost hope in my ability to have a future. Ever since then, I think I have been slowly coming coming to terms with the fact that I'm defective. Maybe I will be able to delude myself for a little while longer, but inevitably I'm going to have to realize that there is no future for me. I'm too damaged to function anymore.

 

[MayTheStars]

From teens till now

 

[NeverReallyHere]

No-one's "defective." We're human beings, not machines, or commodities on a production line. Some of us struggle to cope with the world more than others - that's all.

 

[lostmylove]

I don't believe I'm mentally ill. Think lot of people are product of their environment.

When I see people angry and do stuff that's self destructive often I see it as just lashing out at the world usually because of way they've been treated.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not see myself as the problem, there is nothing really wrong with me, it is this life that is the problem, existence is so horrifying and I was forced to live in a world that I was not meant for. I should have never been born in the first place. It really was a mistake, me being here. Only death will ever be able to give me relief from my unbearable suffering.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

No-one's "defective." We're human beings, not machines, or commodities on a production line. Some of us struggle to cope with the world more than others - that's all.

Something is wrong with my mental wiring…

 

[LifeHasNoOptIn]

No-one's "defective." We're human beings, not machines, or commodities on a production line. Some of us struggle to cope with the world more than others - that's all.

This would be similar to my reply. Normal is a setting for a washing machine, not an adequate way to describe people.

If anything is "defective", it is a society that has decided to adopt a completely greed based sociopathic ethos that is presented as the norm reducing the value of human life to strictly how much profit can be extracted or generated per individual.

To be well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of proper mental health imo

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

This would be similar to my reply. Normal is a setting for a washing machine, not an adequate way to describe people.

If anything is "defective", it is a society that has decided to adopt a completely greed based sociopathic ethos that is presented as the norm reducing the value of human life to strictly how much profit can be extracted or generated per individual.

To be well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of proper mental health imo

In my case, I don't really blame society. I have always been somewhat disengaged. I have a depressive temperament. Unless things come easily to me I quit. I tend to blame others for my own failings. I don't know why any of this could be the fault of "society. "
But there are certainly people who've gotten a very raw deal. I can hardly make that claim.

 

[bpder]

I've always felt different and struggle with if I'm the problem or the world and society is the problem

 

[meetapple]

I had problems since developing my mental illness but thought that I could make a recovery easily with the proper effort. I realized how severe my problems were in the last couple of years.

 

[Niko66]

7 years old, as soon as soon as I had to face reality, reality made sure to show me.

 

[6ftunder]

Boy—great question. Started with "different" when I was like 7 or 8. I knew I wasn't like the other kids. That lasted into my 20s. I was still full of piss & vinegar, & so blamed society & partners…but doubt started to creep in. By 30 I knew it was me. No question. Then came the diagnoses to match. Then it took another 20 years to accept it. And on it goes…

I hope you don't mind me asking, what was the diagnosis?

 

[Al Cappella]

I hope you don't mind me asking, what was the diagnosis?

Not at all—major recurring depression, BPD, and social anxiety just for kicks…

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

We aren't defective, we're just a bit lost :)

I say that as someone with a deeply self destructive nature who often blames herself and plans to drink SN next month. It's okay to be lost in life, everyone is at some point to varying extents. And those of us here are at the extreme end of that. But we can't get lost in thinking we're irreversibly faulty, because we aren't. We just all have different minds and different wavelengths and different ways of finding hope. For some, hope comes in the form of becoming mentally stable. And for many of us, hope comes in the form of CTBing and looking for peace on the other side.

No one here is defective. We just have different minds and different hopes <3
So many people before us have also CTB - when the number is that high, it's not a defect either. Statistically, it's a normal mindset.

Don't leave this place thinking you're broken. If you must leave, leave it with hope for something better. Hope is everything, and even if you plan to CTB soon, it can make things so much more peaceful to have it.

 

[yellowhue]

I'm not defective, but my life is. I did nothing to deserve 2+ decades of suffering which continues. This is what makes me want to CTB the most.

 

[whatevs]

Personally, I only half-empathize with this shitty position. Yes, I had to crash hard and realize I would never become an eccentric artist or the heir or Schopenhauer or Fante, and that I would perhaps die a frantic masturbator and a virgin, but this doesn't mean I didn't accomplish anything.

I experienced and researched paranormal phenomena, which put everything else into perspective. What success is isn't ultimately defined by society, and not even by genes. As a kid I was already consumed by thirst of the mysterious, and I succeeded at capturing and observing some of it. The glimpse I got inside metaphysicality was a definitive win and will never completely wear off.

Nevertheless, I'm still friendless, living with my parents and chronically ill. I definitely know I'm defective, but I was awarded a special life in some respects, not just the life of an aimless loser that thought life was a coincidence and a big nothing.

 

[Sakura94]

Probably school system. They tend to judge hard and I was put into the slow learner classes. In a weird way it made me more resilient.
I realized I had various medical conditions at puberty my life has been crashing ever since.