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Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
I've led a trail of self-destruction through most of my life but managed to fool myself into believing I was on my own special path - that I would manifest something brilliant in the future.
And then it all came crashing down and I realized I had been delusional- never really followed through with anything or accomplished very much… no family, marriage, career- financial ruin on the horizon. Anti depressants kept my spirit energized with false hope. Lots of brilliant schemes barely initiated then abandoned.
Don't wanna quit life but no motivation to do more then exist.
 
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J007

J007

Member
May 12, 2022
50
Welcome to the club...
You're not alone just look around.
We're all fucked up more or less.
And most of us are waiting for ending up
this shitty life at the earliest opportunity.
Some can't get what they need to ctb
some just sit, observe and try sort things out
before it's too late.
Cheer up.
Life's not too bad, just people are wankers...
 
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Al Cappella

Al Cappella

Are we there yet?
Feb 2, 2022
888
Boy—great question. Started with "different" when I was like 7 or 8. I knew I wasn't like the other kids. That lasted into my 20s. I was still full of piss & vinegar, & so blamed society & partners…but doubt started to creep in. By 30 I knew it was me. No question. Then came the diagnoses to match. Then it took another 20 years to accept it. And on it goes…
 
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motel rooms

motel rooms

Survivor of incest. Gay. Please don't PM me.
Apr 13, 2021
7,081
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F

Funeralprincess

Death never turned on me
May 8, 2022
433
I realized I was defective when my family turned on me for being "unstable". I realized I was defective when my friends left me when I needed a shoulder to cry on and was no longer of use for them. I realized I was defective when my professors found me to be a liability because of my excruciating anxiety and treatment resistant depression. I realized I was defective when I was treated like an option rather than number one… I realized I was defective when doctors and therapists couldn't stand me anymore, despite it being their job to help people. I realized I was defective when I endlessly sabotaged everything in my path effortlessly, as if on auto pilot. I realized I was defective when the man I was with for almost six years and wanted to marry made me think we'd be back together, but for two years strung me along just because he could, while he secretly found my mental illness to be disgusting. All of these things plus other issues in my life have piled up over the years, motivating me to commit suicide. I hope to be gone by this summer. I hope to be in another world maybe I'll have a chance to not be so broken, so sick, so angry so…. Hard. I wake up every day thinking about death, avidly reading this forum too to bottom as it gives me comfort, peace, and a sense of community despite the fact I won't be here too long to remain part of it… being defective has made me realize the world isn't crafted for people like me because despite being defective, all I want to do is love and be loved, but nobody will love a defective person forever. You learn when you're defective that love is conditional, care is conditional, help is conditional, EVERYTHING is fucking conditional.
 
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braindead911

braindead911

Member
May 14, 2022
30
When I was born in to a shitty world that's based all on luck. I blame parents.
 
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NobodyKnowsMe

NobodyKnowsMe

Just biding my time
Dec 21, 2021
582
Not sure of the exact age, but pretty much all I can remember is always being defective.
 
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WorthlessTrash

WorthlessTrash

Worthless
Apr 19, 2022
2,430
When i realized i couldnt stand myself due to my ASAB.
 
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its-about-time

its-about-time

nope
Mar 19, 2022
807
Got a letter from my CIA handler stating they are no longer updating my microchip's software. Jk, sort of. Some bugs make games more fun, others make them unplayable. Maybe I was right all along and this has all been an experiment, but honestly I do try to just not give a fuck about it anymore, I'm not smart enough to prove my theory and it's gonna end with me shooting myself in front of that one therapist and I don't want that to be what people remember me for :/
 
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StrangePossum

StrangePossum

Member
Dec 22, 2021
85
I've felt "different" for a long time, since I was around 5 maybe? I was always a shy and quiet kid and couldn't make friends easily, but people at least told me I was smart. Then the mental illness stuff started showing up when I was 13 or so, and I watched as everyone gradually lost hope in my ability to have a future. Ever since then, I think I have been slowly coming coming to terms with the fact that I'm defective. Maybe I will be able to delude myself for a little while longer, but inevitably I'm going to have to realize that there is no future for me. I'm too damaged to function anymore.
 
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MayTheStars

MayTheStars

Member
Apr 30, 2022
7
From teens till now
 
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NeverReallyHere

NeverReallyHere

Student
Mar 15, 2021
109
No-one's "defective." We're human beings, not machines, or commodities on a production line. Some of us struggle to cope with the world more than others - that's all.
 
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lostmylove

lostmylove

Specialist
Apr 1, 2022
304
I don't believe I'm mentally ill. Think lot of people are product of their environment.

When I see people angry and do stuff that's self destructive often I see it as just lashing out at the world usually because of way they've been treated.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
44,391
I do not see myself as the problem, there is nothing really wrong with me, it is this life that is the problem, existence is so horrifying and I was forced to live in a world that I was not meant for. I should have never been born in the first place. It really was a mistake, me being here. Only death will ever be able to give me relief from my unbearable suffering.
 
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Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
No-one's "defective." We're human beings, not machines, or commodities on a production line. Some of us struggle to cope with the world more than others - that's all.
Something is wrong with my mental wiring…
 
LifeHasNoOptIn

LifeHasNoOptIn

Worst Life Ever
Mar 31, 2022
208
No-one's "defective." We're human beings, not machines, or commodities on a production line. Some of us struggle to cope with the world more than others - that's all.
This would be similar to my reply. Normal is a setting for a washing machine, not an adequate way to describe people.

If anything is "defective", it is a society that has decided to adopt a completely greed based sociopathic ethos that is presented as the norm reducing the value of human life to strictly how much profit can be extracted or generated per individual.

To be well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of proper mental health imo
 
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Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
This would be similar to my reply. Normal is a setting for a washing machine, not an adequate way to describe people.

If anything is "defective", it is a society that has decided to adopt a completely greed based sociopathic ethos that is presented as the norm reducing the value of human life to strictly how much profit can be extracted or generated per individual.

To be well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of proper mental health imo
In my case, I don't really blame society. I have always been somewhat disengaged. I have a depressive temperament. Unless things come easily to me I quit. I tend to blame others for my own failings. I don't know why any of this could be the fault of "society. "
But there are certainly people who've gotten a very raw deal. I can hardly make that claim.
 
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B

bpder

Member
May 8, 2022
5
I've always felt different and struggle with if I'm the problem or the world and society is the problem
 
meetapple

meetapple

Mage
Jun 3, 2021
585
I had problems since developing my mental illness but thought that I could make a recovery easily with the proper effort. I realized how severe my problems were in the last couple of years.
 
Niko66

Niko66

Specialist
Dec 6, 2021
353
7 years old, as soon as soon as I had to face reality, reality made sure to show me.
 
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6

6ftunder

Member
May 11, 2022
53
Boy—great question. Started with "different" when I was like 7 or 8. I knew I wasn't like the other kids. That lasted into my 20s. I was still full of piss & vinegar, & so blamed society & partners…but doubt started to creep in. By 30 I knew it was me. No question. Then came the diagnoses to match. Then it took another 20 years to accept it. And on it goes…
I hope you don't mind me asking, what was the diagnosis?
 
Al Cappella

Al Cappella

Are we there yet?
Feb 2, 2022
888
I hope you don't mind me asking, what was the diagnosis?
Not at all—major recurring depression, BPD, and social anxiety just for kicks…
 
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Imissyoumydarling

Imissyoumydarling

a very majestic chicken cat
May 7, 2022
107
We aren't defective, we're just a bit lost :)

I say that as someone with a deeply self destructive nature who often blames herself and plans to drink SN next month. It's okay to be lost in life, everyone is at some point to varying extents. And those of us here are at the extreme end of that. But we can't get lost in thinking we're irreversibly faulty, because we aren't. We just all have different minds and different wavelengths and different ways of finding hope. For some, hope comes in the form of becoming mentally stable. And for many of us, hope comes in the form of CTBing and looking for peace on the other side.

No one here is defective. We just have different minds and different hopes <3
So many people before us have also CTB - when the number is that high, it's not a defect either. Statistically, it's a normal mindset.

Don't leave this place thinking you're broken. If you must leave, leave it with hope for something better. Hope is everything, and even if you plan to CTB soon, it can make things so much more peaceful to have it.
 
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yellowhue

yellowhue

Dancing along the razor's edge...
Nov 1, 2021
12
I'm not defective, but my life is. I did nothing to deserve 2+ decades of suffering which continues. This is what makes me want to CTB the most.
 
whatevs

whatevs

Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
Jan 15, 2022
2,913
Personally, I only half-empathize with this shitty position. Yes, I had to crash hard and realize I would never become an eccentric artist or the heir or Schopenhauer or Fante, and that I would perhaps die a frantic masturbator and a virgin, but this doesn't mean I didn't accomplish anything.

I experienced and researched paranormal phenomena, which put everything else into perspective. What success is isn't ultimately defined by society, and not even by genes. As a kid I was already consumed by thirst of the mysterious, and I succeeded at capturing and observing some of it. The glimpse I got inside metaphysicality was a definitive win and will never completely wear off.

Nevertheless, I'm still friendless, living with my parents and chronically ill. I definitely know I'm defective, but I was awarded a special life in some respects, not just the life of an aimless loser that thought life was a coincidence and a big nothing.
 
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S

Sakura94

empty
Nov 26, 2020
673
Probably school system. They tend to judge hard and I was put into the slow learner classes. In a weird way it made me more resilient.
I realized I had various medical conditions at puberty my life has been crashing ever since.
 
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