Discussion What's the closest you've been to succeeding?

[pinstripe]

What was your experience like? What got in the way? Think you'll try it the same way again?

 

[catscratches]

i still remember the day i attempted. it was two years ago, august eighth. i attempted partial suspension hanging, where my trachea remained unblocked to prevent si from kicking in. it took me forever to figure out the proper position and mechanisms, but i got there eventually! i had placed two backpack straps together and tightened one around my neck. it was pure euphoria in the moment, not the type you receive from drugs, it was a more vivid feeling. i felt my whole world slowing down, like i was zoning out. i revisited my trauma, my reasons to ctb, and before i knew it, it felt like i came back to earth. i could barely bring myself to get free from the makeshift noose i created, but i did, and to this day, it has been my biggest regret ever. i definitely think ill try again, but it is incredibly tricky. it took me a really long time to get the right position, and even then, it was pure luck.

 

[Ashu]

My last of five attempts, thirty years ago. I put everything I had into that one, and still failed, so I gave up.

 

[sla_porra22]

I think it was this year that I first learned about ligature strangulation. I was doing some tests to find the exact spot on my neck. It worked. I found the spot. However, I hadn't yet learned how to tie the knots, so the moment I lost consciousness they came undone and I regained consciousness immediately. I hate the fact that I was never able to recreate that effect with such mastery again.

 

[FuneralCry]

I haven't properly attempted as after all I'm so cruelly denied the option to never suffer in this torturous, painful and dreadful existence ever again, there truly is so much cruelty in how I cannot just choose to peacefully cease existing so finally I can be at peace from this existence I just always saw as the most terrible mistake that only ever tortures existing beings with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, I'll just always see existence as the problem, I just want this torturous, dreadful existence to be all gone and forgotten for me.

 

[burninghill]

Back in November, I was laying with my torso over the rails laid on my side (not an ideal position) and I was there for about 3 minutes just telling myself that all I needed to do was to sit still, but I started to get scared of what would happen to me after death and the (im)possibility of seeing the underside of the train.

In short, I just got scared and pussied out haha. Regret it to this day. I've never had a fear of death before but your body will do whatever it takes to keep you alive.

 

[pinstripe]

Any others with hanging experience?

 

[hmnow]

Twice I was unconcious but recovered by accident

1) then first time I tried to hang myself as a teenager I was fully suspended. I blacked out and found myself on the floor. The anchor gave way

2) I tried to use partial. I did pass out but again the anchor gave way. I think SI took over and didn't allow me to do a proper anchor

Each felt like a real attempt where I suddenly was unconscious but I only know that because I came too

3rd time will be lucky

 

[ravendrops]

Any others with hanging experience?

I tried seriously with partial hanging several times last year. In the closet. I was using an Ethernet cable and once used socks to help try to compress my artery. The closest I got was when I tried laying down, on my stomach, facing the ground. It felt quick and warm and I know it sounds weird but my dark/black "eyes closed vision" changed at the height of it… to something dark grayish and almost pixelated. Just for a moment. Then I popped up and took the cord off my neck. That might have been the last time I attempted that method. I guess I stopped because I became worried about failing and was super self-conscious about the marks that it left on my neck… I didn't want work colleagues or my landlord to see it, report it, and get involuntarily committed. I had a 72 hour hold back in January and it SUCKED to be a transwoman in a psych insitution. Now I'm just a transwoman in a homeless shelter… which I'm wondering if it's cracking my brain a bit and making me open to other methods. (There are train tracks and freight trains, like, 2 blocks away and I fantasize about them every night… you know… how many hundred steps would it take to get to them, so many hundred minutes would I have to wait… but like @burninghill it's a lot to process. (And I don't think I want my children to have to process that… hanging seems more tidy, less graphic.)

 

[iguazo falls]

i think accidentally ODing. i dont want to say this to encourage people because it hoenstly sucked and it wasnt even as severe as it couldve been so i wasnt on the brink of death or whatever. i got serotonin syndrome after binging different drugs. i knew i was fucked so i left a note saying i didnt mean to i guess and sorry. i was OK in the morning, so i did drugs again and got serotonin syndrome again XD but yeah. i remember just being in an uncomfortable state of acceptance. another time i tried hanging and yea similar to the above, my vision got fucked and i stopeped

 

[progressingdeath]

When I was a tornado of emotions was the most recent time. I was on drugs and in a toxic relationship. I wanted to die but wasn't exactly trying to die. I did a big bag of heroin all at once and overdosed and had to be resus'd. it sucked so hard.

The only other time within the year and a half was with zip ties around my neck and head but my ex partner came back home and cut me out of them.

Then when I was younger I stood up on a stool and tried to hang myself on a metal clothing rack. I was small enough that I kept hanging there and I struggled to get down. I remember being scared because of the panic of my throat being compressed but feeling numb emotionally about the action I took

 

[instormdrains]

I got really close to jumping off a cliff but a park ranger saw my light from the bottom and started coming towards me from the bottom so I ran home. It was like 4am so my light stood out very much. I found a new spot in an abandoned parking garage and I was gonna jump but it was so windy my suicide note for the cops blew off the roof dispite it being held down. It had very personal info so I had to climb down to find it and by the time I finished searching for it I just wanted to go home