Adieu
Member
- Jun 27, 2019
- 39
-
Hey Guest,
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inconsequential
Enlightened
- Jun 1, 2019
- 1,011
Scribble Fan
I'm out!
- May 30, 2019
- 816
... I don't see myself ever making it to a better place. I choose death.
azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
So, there's nothing about life that could be changed to sway you from your desire to ctb? A better place meaning, a more idyllic life here on Earth...life circumstances that could be determined by you...none of that would make you reconsider?
Scribble Fan
I'm out!
- May 30, 2019
- 816
I don't think I'd be happy. My mold is broken, formed that way through childhood. I just want peace now.
azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
That is heartbreaking.
You don't sound like a broken being.
Is there no way you could envision peace for yourself here on Earth? Please don't give up hope. I don't mean to push a pro-life agenda on you; I don't feel like I necessarily HAVE an overriding pro-life agenda, but I really wish I could convince you of how much promise the future holds for you.
Do you really see no way through his fog? Please reconsider. Please don't give up.
Let the SS community and your brother be your mirror. It's a Velvet Underground song, but it holds true in your case. Don't you think it's possible that you're just not able to see things objectively at the moment? I am not discounting the horror of childhood trauma, but please see yourself as bigger than that.
"When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted & unkind
Let [us] stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause [we] see you."
not_a_robot
"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
- May 30, 2019
- 2,121
honestly just barely enough cash to keep me alive in isolation would keep me around for quite some time. I define any place where I can stay isolated as "better". Right now I'm not nearly isolated enough. I have enough money to live on but it won't be worth it if I can't escape some oppression. Leaving town next month, scared shirtless.
Shirtless.
SHITLESS, autocorrect.
damn.A better place. A better place for me would be Earth without prejudice and hatred. Where everybody got along, nobody was poor and everyone had a soulmate. Pretty unrealistic I know, but if they managed to make some sort of virtual reality where a world like that existed... I wouldn't be thinking about suicide all the time.
Abel
Member
- Sep 11, 2018
- 62
Hm... I'm not entirely sure what I'd define as a "better place," but if I could just switch my messed-up brain out for a normal, healthy, happy brain, then... I think I might choose that over death. Just because I'm really curious about what it's like to not have mental illnesses lol.
azucaramargo
Enlightened
- Sep 16, 2018
- 1,010
Scared shirtless is just as effective an expression! You are so animated in these posts of yours, Not-a-Robot you seem like you'd be a blast to hang out with. It just surprises me that you seek isolation. And, I have read some of your other posts describing oppression, and I THINK I kind of get it. (You are a much more sophisticated observer of society than I). I'm curious why you're leaving town next month.
I don't want to be nosy, or make you repeat yourself, but that move seems like it would be exciting...the promise of new surroundings, less oppression.
What aspects of the move scare you?
262653
Cluesome
- Apr 5, 2018
- 1,733
Broken mold sounds like a good thing to me... more freedom of action. And I'd like the breeze.
not_a_robot
"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
- May 30, 2019
- 2,121
I got to leave the oppressors, man!
Problems with nasty social workers so I'm moving to a cheaper town where I can afford a cheaper flat without their assistance. I told them I'm moving across town but I literally calculated how to put as many miles between me and them bitches as possible, I'm moving to the opposite side of the country. Seeking help was the biggest mistake I ever made. Made my situation so much worse, the destruction of trust has devastated me. My mind was already a little fucked but it will definitely never be right now.
Scared of ending up homeless again, scared of relying on sabotaging social workers again. Have Five weeks to secure a new lease from across the country, scared something will go wrong with that or landlord could be a perv, scared weed (my only med) might be harder to get, scared of being on my period on a cross country bus trip (they are abnormal). Mainly scared of ending up under social services' thumb again, I've had horrific experiences, I detest and distrust them all, any contact with "help" at all will just re-traumatize me.
These social service sluts are scarier and crazier than any trick or pimp I ever met, and so dumb it's dangerous.
Mean and dumb are my least favorite combination. I can't deal.
262653
Cluesome
- Apr 5, 2018
- 1,733
I view the better place as more favourbale but it doesn't necessarily mean I would find it satisfactory enough... I wanted to "make progress in physics" when I was 6. Sounds ambiguous to me now but I'm quite sure I mean the big one... If I would've been interested in pursuit of something... anything branch that can feed me, would be useful to me and society, then maybe... But its like shooting an arrow in a wasteland and hoping it would hit something other than the barren lands. I don't even want to do basic care anymore... maybe because it sounds counterintuitive when your only goal is to break free...But fuck this place really. I remember some school teaches saying stuff like: "Such a shame you've been fallen that low. X mentioned you were a prominent student..." and other scornful crap. They only gived a damn about the benefit I could possibly bring... I don't blame them. Cannot say I hate life with all-consuming passionate hatred. Far from always... I'm just not interested. If I had the button-like choice... better place sounds like death of a current place, both change my life in an unpredictable way with unforseen consequences. So they would be of the same shape and form and texture... and maybe space and time... I prefer both because both can be considered as death, as change.
Loli
highly flammable
- May 25, 2019
- 119
LaBrava
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 268
If I could be in a better place I'd choose that every time - my own place to live in with privacy, enough money to live on and enjoy my hobbies, if I must work a non toxic workplace. Just live a peaceful and solitary life. Instead I have the opposite of all this and CTB looks more likely every day.
Severen
Enlightened
- Jun 30, 2018
- 1,819
Death = a better place, hopefully. But if not, oh well. It's not like I can avoid going there, one day, anyway. Death is like a Tsunami about to crash down on everyone. LOL what are you going to do? Try to make a run for it? Flap your wings and fly away? All you can do is run away and buy some time or embrace it.Last edited:
Midnight
Beyond solace
- Jun 30, 2018
- 624
A better place as in seeing 6 figures (positive) on my bank account. I'd reconsider greatly. Chances are well ... Lottery type chances. So yeah it'll be death no doubt.
not_a_robot
"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
- May 30, 2019
- 2,121
I rarely see anyone else say isolation would ease their suffering.
High Five!Returning to last summer and making a better career choice is where I would rather be.
TheNorthernSilence
Arcanist
- Nov 13, 2018
- 430
I feel like I'm broken beyond repair so death for me.Death. I was thinking if I could change something in the past that maybe fix something to be better now and not thinking of ctb, but no. The problem was always there and nothing can't change it.
been_there
Life cares only for itself.
- Jun 5, 2019
- 297
Most people considering suicide feel that death is the better place.
or do you mean this?
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...p-being-suicidal-and-live-a-happy-life.13964/
LaBrava
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 268
It doesn't bother me at all to have no interactions with other people in real life, and all of the worst problems and suffering I've experienced in life have been caused by the horrible behaviours of other people. And more supposedly pleasant interactions just mean me having to put on an act and talk about boring nonsense.
not_a_robot
"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
- May 30, 2019
- 2,121
I don't know why but it always makes me a little sadder for some reason when a member wants to suicide from a country I've always fantasized about living in. *Shout out* to England India Phillipines Sweden Norway Brazil Finland Denmark Netherlands Germany Scotland Russia Ukraine Belarus Romania Croatia Canada
(ok I'm exaggerating, I rarely fantasized about Belarus. Maybe Moldova.)
ladolcemorte
Experienced
- May 5, 2019
- 286
I think this is a variation on the theme "do you want to die or do you want the pain to stop". At this point, life has been so painful for so long, that death is the only way the pain will stop. But at the same time, thoughts of death came long before the pain got so bad. So it is hard for me to tell....
I often wonder what it would take for me to want to stay alive. I think I would basically need to be another person with another life altogether...which would be a sort of death in and of itself, if you think about it. I did say, in another forum, that I would try staying alive for awhile if someone gave me twenty million dollars. I continue to agree with that.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 11,125
I really just want it to end. If I was suddenly rich, I'm sure life would just shit on me again & it would be gone.
Also I second whoever mentioned being alone. I would love to be rich and not have to deal with anyone … or at least have as little contact with humans as I possibly can.
TheNorthernSilence
Arcanist
- Nov 13, 2018
- 430
Yeah I just think that my depression is not based on where I live, how much money I have and other materialistic aspects. Sure it makes things easier but I'm still tormented by my existence.
ScorpiusDragon
Mage
- Mar 25, 2019
- 593
I don't think this better place exists on Earth. So death is the only option for me.
Subhuman
Student
- Jun 28, 2019
- 183
This is a really interesting question and one I asked myself a lot throughout my life. I found that the answer varied based on my circumstances at that moment. I grew up in a hostile environment where I never felt safe and I started experiencing mental health issues pretty young. I never wanted to be alive. I never understood what people mean when they say that life is beautiful. I understand that most people feel that way of course and also why they feel that way, I just can't relate to that feeling at all.
I went through a few phases of sudden and unexpected progress and positive changes in my environment, during which I was hopeful I could get better. And I really strived for that. Even then, I never felt like my life was worth living. All I could hope for was to be able to experience that someday in the future. Needless to say, that day never came.
At this point in my life, being both mentally and physically ill, I've come to the conclusion that there is no better place in this lifetime for me. Even though I've been suicidal for the past 18 years, in the back of my mind I was constantly racking my brain for a solution. I never found it. I'm damaged goods. I can't get better.
