So today I am not feeling well. I think a lot about my former therapist who intentionally wrote lies in my medical records. And the institution behind her backed her.
The details can you read here. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-turns-a-therapist-into-a-perpetrator.244675/
This had a really really bad impact on my mental health.
I had 4 psychotherapies in my life. One was good, one was okay, and two of them sort of traumatized me. But I think whining on here has no real benefit. I talked a lot with chatGPT about it today.
I had to think about my second therapist my first really bad therapy experience. I was in a major depression 2019, I wasn't always taking antipsychotics at the end of the therapy I took them. So this therapist never realized I was in a major depression. It had very strong psychosomatic pain in my legs. I had another psychosis a year prior to our therapy sessions. I hid how bad and suicidal I was in front her. I was scared to show her that. I felt really really horrible all the fucking time. I could never look her into her eyes. And after a long time I more and more admitted how suicidal I was. And the weird thing is. I was sort of paranoid to that time. I had like weird paranoid thoughts that my life has to end with my suicide and that I never was able to improve. I thought my brain was a labyrinth and I wouldn't be able to escape it. I was able to regulate my psychotic thoughts by thinking in very rigid ways. There were topics I was less prone to psychotic thinking. I asked my therapist whether I should take antipsychotics (I hated the side effects) and she told me obviously I didn't need them. Which was such a fucking stupid suggestion. I told her I didn't want to take the medication because of erectyle dysfunction. And instead of argumenting against it she told me she understands I wouldn't want to take them if I was interested in dating. Many years later I found out there are mental health medicaton that can counter this side effect. No one told me that I had to do a lot of research on my own to find that out. All the other professionals only told me these side effects are not important. Go fuck these people...
So I talked more and more openly about my suicidality with her. And I increasingly showed her how persistent and obsessive my suicidal thoughts were. I started a trainingship. I had the idea to that time this would trigger a manic depressive episode. Which didn't happen. It reinforced my major depression instead. And I was extremely dysfunctional. The trainingship was a living nightmare. They fired me after 3 months. The therapy was stopped in this time period because I was overwhelmed by the trainingship. My boss said something very cheeky on the day he fired me. But honestly compared to the fucked up shit with my former therapist and the organization that backed her it was minor mockery. I mean my boss paid me more like 1000 Euro in this time, I wasn't open in my job interview, I was a total mess at work. I was deeply hurt when he said these words. But honestly getting fired was the best thing that could happen to me. I was so depressed during the trainingship that I had massive issues to fall asleep. It was a very crippling type of depression and at work it became unmanageable. I was at something like a job interview in a facility for people with disabilities after getting fired. Me and my mom were there to ask them if they gave me a chance. And this person treated me so despicably. He didn't treat me like a human. He really insulted me and me and my mom started crying. I even told him that I can kill myself now with the new assisted suicide laws. And he said something like in for a penny, in for a pound. (Wer A sagt, muss auch B sagen.). This experience was very very sick and humiliating. Afterwards I had an argument with my mom because when he criticized me she agreed on some of his points instead of defending me. This was very very sick.
So back to my (second) therapist. After I was fired I wanted to do therapy again with her. We had one appointement and she was pretty pale. She suggested to give up and let things happen. Her argument was I am socially too awkward to ever be able to work. She suggested that because she told me I was on the autistm spectrum and that I had to change my whole personality for that and this was hopeless. Another therapist who I knew also gave me up to that time point. Or I interpreted it at least like that. He was more distant and there was even a hint from him that could be interpreted as it was okay to receive assisted suicide. He didn't use these words, and I think you could get into a lot of trouble hinting that. But the German highest court ruling was omnipresent when I was fired. Back to the female (second) therapist that gave me up. I think it is true I am not able to work. But not because I am too socially awkward. It is a complex mix of different conditions that cause that. My social awkwardness improved a lot at college. When she said let things happen she suggested a clinic stay might now be the right thing. I was completely shocked and stunned. I told my mom what she did, my mom contacted her whether it was true what I said. And she acted like everything was a misunderstanding I just had to work harder on me. (In our conversation she told me it was hopeless working on me...)
The whole story becomes really complex. I think I won't go into details. But I had a clinic stay (where I met the quantum physics professor) and my major depression evolved into a mixed episode and then from one day to the next I felt significantly better. It is not exactly clear why. There were some changes in the medication. But it is not clear whether that caused it. My extreme psychosomatic pain disappeared. And my major depression went away. I was extremely surprised by that. My former therapist sort of acted like going back to college was delusional. But I didn't see her again afterwards.
And now the cherry on the top. I have to meet her again many years after all this played out. She is responsible for a particular diagnostics and I want her to do it. Because I don't find another place to do the diagnostics. I had contact with her again and I sent her a clinic report where my college experience is summed up. And as some of you might know it made me a complete mental wreck. I am not sure whether she actually remembers me. I didn't want her to make the diagnostics for a long time but I don't find another place where it is possible instead.
For some time I was sort of traumatized that she gave up on me. It hurt me a lot. And then she gaslit me by replying to my mom it would have been a misunderstanding. But bro I couldn't imagine that there are even way worse therapists than her. My fourth/recent therapist sort of traumatized me again by writing lies in my medical records intentionally. I wish I can look back at this new traumata in a few years and tell myself that the impact of this wasn't that bad. And that I eventually be able to move. But I am still very very hurt and the institutional betrayal I experienced it stunning. It feels very very extreme to me. Maybe a little bit too extreme. Maybe it opened up old scars I don't know...
The details can you read here. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-turns-a-therapist-into-a-perpetrator.244675/
This had a really really bad impact on my mental health.
I had 4 psychotherapies in my life. One was good, one was okay, and two of them sort of traumatized me. But I think whining on here has no real benefit. I talked a lot with chatGPT about it today.
I had to think about my second therapist my first really bad therapy experience. I was in a major depression 2019, I wasn't always taking antipsychotics at the end of the therapy I took them. So this therapist never realized I was in a major depression. It had very strong psychosomatic pain in my legs. I had another psychosis a year prior to our therapy sessions. I hid how bad and suicidal I was in front her. I was scared to show her that. I felt really really horrible all the fucking time. I could never look her into her eyes. And after a long time I more and more admitted how suicidal I was. And the weird thing is. I was sort of paranoid to that time. I had like weird paranoid thoughts that my life has to end with my suicide and that I never was able to improve. I thought my brain was a labyrinth and I wouldn't be able to escape it. I was able to regulate my psychotic thoughts by thinking in very rigid ways. There were topics I was less prone to psychotic thinking. I asked my therapist whether I should take antipsychotics (I hated the side effects) and she told me obviously I didn't need them. Which was such a fucking stupid suggestion. I told her I didn't want to take the medication because of erectyle dysfunction. And instead of argumenting against it she told me she understands I wouldn't want to take them if I was interested in dating. Many years later I found out there are mental health medicaton that can counter this side effect. No one told me that I had to do a lot of research on my own to find that out. All the other professionals only told me these side effects are not important. Go fuck these people...
So I talked more and more openly about my suicidality with her. And I increasingly showed her how persistent and obsessive my suicidal thoughts were. I started a trainingship. I had the idea to that time this would trigger a manic depressive episode. Which didn't happen. It reinforced my major depression instead. And I was extremely dysfunctional. The trainingship was a living nightmare. They fired me after 3 months. The therapy was stopped in this time period because I was overwhelmed by the trainingship. My boss said something very cheeky on the day he fired me. But honestly compared to the fucked up shit with my former therapist and the organization that backed her it was minor mockery. I mean my boss paid me more like 1000 Euro in this time, I wasn't open in my job interview, I was a total mess at work. I was deeply hurt when he said these words. But honestly getting fired was the best thing that could happen to me. I was so depressed during the trainingship that I had massive issues to fall asleep. It was a very crippling type of depression and at work it became unmanageable. I was at something like a job interview in a facility for people with disabilities after getting fired. Me and my mom were there to ask them if they gave me a chance. And this person treated me so despicably. He didn't treat me like a human. He really insulted me and me and my mom started crying. I even told him that I can kill myself now with the new assisted suicide laws. And he said something like in for a penny, in for a pound. (Wer A sagt, muss auch B sagen.). This experience was very very sick and humiliating. Afterwards I had an argument with my mom because when he criticized me she agreed on some of his points instead of defending me. This was very very sick.
So back to my (second) therapist. After I was fired I wanted to do therapy again with her. We had one appointement and she was pretty pale. She suggested to give up and let things happen. Her argument was I am socially too awkward to ever be able to work. She suggested that because she told me I was on the autistm spectrum and that I had to change my whole personality for that and this was hopeless. Another therapist who I knew also gave me up to that time point. Or I interpreted it at least like that. He was more distant and there was even a hint from him that could be interpreted as it was okay to receive assisted suicide. He didn't use these words, and I think you could get into a lot of trouble hinting that. But the German highest court ruling was omnipresent when I was fired. Back to the female (second) therapist that gave me up. I think it is true I am not able to work. But not because I am too socially awkward. It is a complex mix of different conditions that cause that. My social awkwardness improved a lot at college. When she said let things happen she suggested a clinic stay might now be the right thing. I was completely shocked and stunned. I told my mom what she did, my mom contacted her whether it was true what I said. And she acted like everything was a misunderstanding I just had to work harder on me. (In our conversation she told me it was hopeless working on me...)
The whole story becomes really complex. I think I won't go into details. But I had a clinic stay (where I met the quantum physics professor) and my major depression evolved into a mixed episode and then from one day to the next I felt significantly better. It is not exactly clear why. There were some changes in the medication. But it is not clear whether that caused it. My extreme psychosomatic pain disappeared. And my major depression went away. I was extremely surprised by that. My former therapist sort of acted like going back to college was delusional. But I didn't see her again afterwards.
And now the cherry on the top. I have to meet her again many years after all this played out. She is responsible for a particular diagnostics and I want her to do it. Because I don't find another place to do the diagnostics. I had contact with her again and I sent her a clinic report where my college experience is summed up. And as some of you might know it made me a complete mental wreck. I am not sure whether she actually remembers me. I didn't want her to make the diagnostics for a long time but I don't find another place where it is possible instead.
For some time I was sort of traumatized that she gave up on me. It hurt me a lot. And then she gaslit me by replying to my mom it would have been a misunderstanding. But bro I couldn't imagine that there are even way worse therapists than her. My fourth/recent therapist sort of traumatized me again by writing lies in my medical records intentionally. I wish I can look back at this new traumata in a few years and tell myself that the impact of this wasn't that bad. And that I eventually be able to move. But I am still very very hurt and the institutional betrayal I experienced it stunning. It feels very very extreme to me. Maybe a little bit too extreme. Maybe it opened up old scars I don't know...
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