What was going on in your head when you learned the news someone you knew committed suicide?

[noname223]

When I learn the news a clelebrity committed suicide I search for their name and backstory. I don't know that many celebs. One of the few that I knew prior to their suicide was Chester Bennington. I often wonder what going on in their head.

On here I had sometimes a guily conscience for not interacting enough with them. Or I wondered whether my last interaction was good or not.

At the clinic for acute suicidal patients a woman committed suicide. The staff of the clinic announced it in the morning. And this really was very heavy. I talked explicitly about suicide prior to that day with someone and I was paranoid she might listened to that conversation and that I triggered her. This theory turned out to be wrong. She was already dead when we had this conversation. But it really made me paranoid. The staff members also monitored how the different patients react to her suicide. And they said I was among the patients who seemed to be most shocked and distressed. Honestly, her roommate really really looked not well. I would not have wanted to trade shoes with her. This must be traumatizing as fuck. I think something like "Holy fucking shit I can't believe it" was going through my head. I didn't know her at all. But I did research afterwards to verify or falsify whether the trigger theory could be true. She jumped in front of a train. And I took a look in the entry book where we had to sign when we leave the clinic. And I read her last entry. It was something like "I want to take a walk in and spend time with the nature." I cannot remember the literal words.

 

[Passenger4224]

I get jealous tbh. That person is no longer suffering and I'm still here...

 

[isthisthingon]

I always think how much of a bad ass they are. It's the ultimate act of courage in the weirdest way.

 

[Echo]

I was in a psych ward once and one of the women sliced up her arm she was taken to hospital. Then the next day she attempted again by arm cutting and she successfully ctb. I never interacted with her but some of the women were distraught.
I was so depressed at the time that I was completely different about it tbh.

My parents friend hung themselves when I was young and I think that was my first time becoming aware of suicide and what it meant.

I am always intrigued by how people die when I read the news, in the hope I can find a new method.

 

[daysnumbered]

I feel when someone is suicidal, they are running a cost benefit analysis in their head about if life is worth living. Humans naturally have a strong SI, so an individual has to be suffering quite a bit to take this course of action. It is sad that people have to feel this way. People like to claim that life is beautiful or a gift, but why are so many people so miserable. Humans were meant to live in tribes and be connected with each other. It seems we have such a bigger disconnect from each other and it's only becoming worse. Then again, sometimes people make your suffering worse. I don't know, it's all just sad and I understand why people do it. I struggle with suicidal ideation myself.

 

[Lemelonade]

I was shocked because I didn't expect that at all. My first thought was that it must have been an accident, she couldn't have meant for it to work. When I learned more about the circumstances - she had combined three different methods to make sure it would work - I thought it must have been a spur of the moment decision in a crisis. Surely, if she had had time to think about it, she wouldn't have done it, I thought.

Today, I don't believe that anymore. I have since learned that she was bipolar. She had an alcoholic father, her parents were divorced and her little son's father was in prison. She was one of the neighbours I grew up around. I knew her since I was a little girl and babysat her son when I was a teenager. Her life wasn't easy, I understand this now much better than back then. I think about her often these days. For how long had she been suicidal? How did she plan her death? How lonely did she feel...?

 

[iloveloving]

They're at peace now.

 

[funkopop99]

When I learn the news a clelebrity committed suicide I search for their name and backstory. I don't know that many celebs. One of the few that I knew prior to their suicide was Chester Bennington. I often wonder what going on in their head.

On here I had sometimes a guily conscience for not interacting enough with them. Or I wondered whether my last interaction was good or not.

At the clinic for acute suicidal patients a woman committed suicide. The staff of the clinic announced it in the morning. And this really was very heavy. I talked explicitly about suicide prior to that day with someone and I was paranoid she might listened to that conversation and that I triggered her. This theory turned out to be wrong. She was already dead when we had this conversation. But it really made me paranoid. The staff members also monitored how the different patients react to her suicide. And they said I was among the patients who seemed to be most shocked and distressed. Honestly, her roommate really really looked not well. I would not have wanted to trade shoes with her. This must be traumatizing as fuck. I think something like "Holy fucking shit I can't believe it" was going through my head. I didn't know her at all. But I did research afterwards to verify or falsify whether the trigger theory could be true. She jumped in front of a train. And I took a look in the entry book where we had to sign when we leave the clinic. And I read her last entry. It was something like "I want to take a walk in and spend time with the nature." I cannot remember the literal words.

It depends if I knew them or not.

 

[peacebenow]

Sadness that they were in existing in such deep pain and suffering.

 

[fadedghost]

For one person, I thought "woah, I was so depressed and never opened up to that person because I figured they were a normie and we wouldn't connect... but they were like me." I felt regret I didn't connect with the person more. He was a classmate and also LGBT and he hung himself.

Another friend of mine overdosed, and it was probably intentional, but it was sort of unclear... but for me, I am like 99 percent sure it was intentional. This was someone I cared about a lot. When I first found out they died, there was no tox screen and I was just sad and felt like "Okay, I give up." Like, I had been trying to function within society on some level, and after it happened, I just stopped trying. Did massive amounts of drugs... When I found out the levels that were in the tox screen, which made it an ambiguous either accidental overdose or suicide, I was like "oh." This person had attempted before... I knew it could happen. I regret not keeping the person closer to me. I was suicidal then... and thought I was damaged... and ironically didn't want to hurt this person and also couldn't deal with the conflict they often caused... but yeah, I totally fucked up. Things haven't changed much since then. I have still given up in many ways since this person's death.

They day it happened I got a voicemail message a family member of the person. I am not sure if the message said the person passed or if it just was unusual, but I thought the person had passed just based on how the message was worded. And she had. I had been at work. I was working. I am such a traumatized fucked in the head person due in large part to trauma and working the job I worked was so fucking hard, and I tried to be so responsible about it... and that was sort of the final straw in my "I'm going to try to be a responsible normal part of society in some ways" phase. I really regret working that job and think that friend wouldn't have committed suicide then if I had been more emotionally available, if I had more time... Oh well... Life just really sucks sometimes, and that... that was sort of the final nail for me. I joined SaSu after that, got SN after that... still expect to commit suicide sooner or later... I'm really not content, even when I feel less unhappy in some ways.

When I first found out this person was dead, one of the things I was trying to find out was "how" like... how did this happen? Was it planned? Did someone pressure her? I also had thought she had a team of clinicians around her, and she was in theory doing well, so part of me was like "how the fuck did this happen?" I worried so much about this person and it felt like when I finally trusted others to help take care of her and let my guard down, she died. I was really afraid someone had given her bad drugs and poisoned her at first... and, eventually, I found out that was likely not true based on the type of drugs she used, some of which were prescription drugs and some of which were not hard for anyone to purchase. At first, I gathered info, trying to see if there were contradictions: was anyone lying to me? I tried to piece together as much information as I could before the information got lost somehow. Once I understood it all, and that it didn't seem like someone pressured her into it, or poisoned her, that it was likely intentional and done by her and she wanted to do it, then it was just... just awful. I was just sad she wasn't around, that's it. I liked her a lot, and didn't really have anyone who was equivalent to her, and didn't feel like she was a replaceable person. I still don't feel that way. She was very funny, and very offensive, and she liked to talk a lot, and she liked me, for whatever reason, or at least she did at one point... I've only known about 3 people who were as funny as her and she was the most talkative... She was often very high energy and intense and I liked that. So many people are boring. I'm still fucked in the head over her being gone.

Another person I don't know if they are dead of suicide, but merely suspect it. We were online friends only, but I haven't seen an obituary online. I've sort of come to the conclusion it's about 95 percent likely the person committed suicide. I'm sad, but also okay with it. It was what they wanted for a long time. I feel a bit guilty, but only a bit... I wish I had tried to do certain things sooner to help that person, even when I was going through a rough time, or I wish I had a way to have let that person know I could be there for them. That person would absolutely not want me to feel guilty or sad, however. They just wanted out... they weren't having fun, didn't like life, this person was over it, and wanted out. But I never learned for sure. Probably something financially traumatic happened and the person just ended it abruptly... that's what I am guessing... like they got an eviction notice or lost a claim for benefits... I am not sure...