Meru
Member
- Mar 19, 2023
- 12
I love this forum because i can complain about my misery without feeling like a complete nuance for it!
Im conflicted because dying is so hard!!!
I have little to no money, as ive stated before im really trying hard to get a job < / 3 but at this time i cannot purchase SN or other medication. I also cannot purchase any type of gun because the state Im in requires background checks and a test and i think a permit… Because I have been checked into a hospital and crisis centers for my mentality I believe I will be denied. And they are insanely expensive too! Even buying one illegal is very costly!!! Ive tried taking a lethal amount of diphenhydramine, however i threw everything up and passed out, for a moment i thought it worked because i was hallucinating and getting white flashes. When i woke up I couldn't move I was insanely weak…. I also have no ceiling light or fan or hook to hang myself off of, but I tried hanging myself from using my closet door to hold a belt in place while i strangle myself with it but…. it hurt!!!! like a lot!!!! I was so frustrated, i wish I could go peacefully without making my last moments such a struggle. Ive been on top of a parking lot garage in my city, but a security gaurd got me off from the balcony by making small talk about the sunset, i couldn't help but get off to talk with him because im scared of traumatizing someone else. I have so much empathy for others :( and im scared if i jump and survive, ill be paralyzed and a vegetable forced to stay alive which is a fate worse than living how i already am. All i do is bitch and complain about my life, but then i bitch and complain about my methods trying to take it! I cant cut deep enough, cant strangle myself, too scared to jump in front of a train or off a building and im broke! I dont even have a toaster to put it in my bathtub to go in a comical way
Im conflicted because dying is so hard!!!
I have little to no money, as ive stated before im really trying hard to get a job < / 3 but at this time i cannot purchase SN or other medication. I also cannot purchase any type of gun because the state Im in requires background checks and a test and i think a permit… Because I have been checked into a hospital and crisis centers for my mentality I believe I will be denied. And they are insanely expensive too! Even buying one illegal is very costly!!! Ive tried taking a lethal amount of diphenhydramine, however i threw everything up and passed out, for a moment i thought it worked because i was hallucinating and getting white flashes. When i woke up I couldn't move I was insanely weak…. I also have no ceiling light or fan or hook to hang myself off of, but I tried hanging myself from using my closet door to hold a belt in place while i strangle myself with it but…. it hurt!!!! like a lot!!!! I was so frustrated, i wish I could go peacefully without making my last moments such a struggle. Ive been on top of a parking lot garage in my city, but a security gaurd got me off from the balcony by making small talk about the sunset, i couldn't help but get off to talk with him because im scared of traumatizing someone else. I have so much empathy for others :( and im scared if i jump and survive, ill be paralyzed and a vegetable forced to stay alive which is a fate worse than living how i already am. All i do is bitch and complain about my life, but then i bitch and complain about my methods trying to take it! I cant cut deep enough, cant strangle myself, too scared to jump in front of a train or off a building and im broke! I dont even have a toaster to put it in my bathtub to go in a comical way
