Meru
Member
- Mar 19, 2023
- 7
I haven't been active in years on this account in hopes of recovering and getting better, but in all honesty I believe it doesn't get better and some people are doomed from the start. Unfortunately im one of those people, born to a mother with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder who also attempted many times, and my father who is constantly in and out of jail. Worse, all of my siblings are in no contact with me. I still live with my grandparents. I go to a shitty community college I didn't even want to go to, and somehow even as a grown ass adult i'm still made fun of just like how I was as a kid. As im getting older im losing more and more friends rapidly, and its getting harder to make friends. I inherited so many mental disorders from parents and I am unmedicated due to insufficient funds and I chose to stop the free therapy that my community college provides because one wrong move and i'll get called back into a mental facility. I just needed to come on here and say not everyone is suited for life, and thats okay. Everytime with any therapist it gets brought up, Im looked at like i said "everyone should just die!" which is further from the truth. However, as I stated before my mother was also suffering and continued in and out of mental hospitals, I was given up to adoption at 7, before that i was physically and sexually abused, in foster care i was put into therapy because of my unwellness at 8 years old. eventually I was adopted by my grandparents who I still live with, but abuse continued on with my older sibling. My mother was then brutally murdered and there still justice for her. Ive never had a real relationship with my "father" Ive been constantly abused in romantic relationships to the point i'm horrified to talk to anyone. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety, high-functioning autism, and chronic depression. I've attempted and failed so many times. And I feel completely pathetic, ive been cutting myself from 6th grade til now which is absurd, why cant i stop? I just want to get better but somehow everything is slowly rolling downhill. Ive lost so many people to the point where its genuinely just me. I sit in my room all day, talking to absolutely nobody. I have no immediate family, no friends, no one to talk to, i resorted to staring into space and talking to myself. I have no plans for my future because I dont even think i can get my degree at this school im completely unmotivated to do anything and yet i feel like all i do is bitch about it. I have no point though, whats the point in doing anything when I have no one and nothing to live for? nothing gives me a reason to get up in the morning and I wish i wouldn't wake up. However i'm too much of a coward to do it, my biggest fear is surviving and becoming brain dead or becoming a stupid murder mystery when they go through my phone and see I was on forums like these, and suddenly its a "this young adult had no where else to go and these people pushed them!" but in a way I feel good getting my voice out because no "professional" would actually hear me out. I mean, I never asked to be put into this world why can't I give myself an outing? not to mention im upset with the current state of the world, i dont want to live in a place that makes me get a job, forces me to go to college to get said job but I have to pay off the student debt along with housing along with food and groceries. I feel like such a fucking bum, I have applied to so many jobs yet I cant get hired or hold one down. When a baby is born, its expected to have a mother and a father, and sometimes some get a brother and a sister. I had all of those, and now I have nothing. I have nothing, im getting nothing, I just want to feel nothing I want my peace that I deserve and to just be eternally in rest. If you read this all thank you, I needed to get everything off of my chest but as ive stated a million times, I have no one. Thank you to this community and goodnight.
