What is your reason for wanting to CTB?

[dearlybeloved998]

If you are a member of SS, please answer this poll honestly because as a person whose been thinking of CTB for a while, I've been wondering exactly what reasons most members of this forum have for wanting to CTB, which is a very serious, and permament decision. This is a non-judgmental poll so you can chose whichever one you want, there is no "wrong" answer, if your reason isn't in the poll you can make a comment about it.

 

[sharky]

For me it's depression + chronic illness + loneliness (no family and friends and my relationship ended)

 

[nottheend]

Just had enough don't see anything getting better

 

[Red Scare]

My husband died, and I got ptsd from the whole thing. His last words to me will haunt me forever. I have constant nightmares and flashbacks. Still grieving.

I already had treatment resistant major depressive disorder and was gong to ctb when I was 18-19 I was so depressed, but then I met my husband and though I would still struggle with depression, he gave me something to live for...

My situation is exponentially worse now than it was when I was 18-19, or married to my husband. So I guess you could say it's life situation too.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

Grief, depression, ptsd and borderline.
I hate having and going through this

 

[FuneralCry]

My reason for wanting ctb is that I see life to be meaningless suffering. I do not see my life as being worth living and I want nothing to do with life at all. I simply prefer the sound of non existence. I believe that in my case, ctb is perfectly rational. If I ctb I would be preventing decades of suffering where things will get so much worse. I also do not see myself as being meant for this world, I cannot cope with life, there is nothing for me here and I see no point to living. Life is horrifying to me overall, we live in a world where there is so much pain. I do not want to think or feel, or experience anything ever again. I just want peace.

 

[Rational man]

My husband died, and I got ptsd from the whole thing. His last words to me will haunt me forever. I have constant nightmares and flashbacks. Still grieving.

I already had treatment resistant major depressive disorder and was gong to ctb when I was 18-19 I was so depressed, but then I met my husband and though I would still struggle with depression, he gave me something to live for...

My situation is exponentially worse now than it was when I was 18-19, or married to my husband. So I guess you could say it's life situation too.

Grief is awful and i feel your pain. I lost love and i blame me. I recognise now that everything is impermanence. Eventually, we let go of people, love and life. Its a universal constant. I think life can be a lonely journey..sometimes, we meet people on the way.❤

 

[Red Scare]

Eventually, we let go of people, love and life.

I will never be able to let him go. If I could it wouldn't be the main reason I want to ctb.

Maybe it's different when you break up with someone and they move out of your life, but the death of a spouse is a very intimate and distinct form of loss you won't know unless you've got through it.

 

[Aeathelina]

Honestly the PTSD and other myriad of physicals and mental issues wouldn't be that big of a deal if my finanaces weren't so fucked because let's be real.
A bank account of $$$$ would evilate most of our problems and we'd be able to afford good quality help for the mental health issues. And I wouldnt feel like such a failure or a mushroom if I could at least take care of myself instead of being a burden

 

[YourNeighbor]

Interesting poll. Assuming it's representative, I had no idea there were so few people on here who are actually dying.

 

[oziinnz]

My sister killed herself 3 months ago. I can't live with this reality anymore. The grief, the guilt the regret. I don't want this story. I want to be done.

 

[walt]

Mood disorder. Chalk it up to bad parenting.

 

[Conker]

What is the point of remaining attached to such a hideous world?

There's no life or color here, rather cease to exist than be burdened any further.
Amnesia is not a natural disconnect. I have seen such beautiful potential, and though I do not regret doing so it makes sobriety 10x harder than before.

Like Chester said, I rather be with the energy and not with the enemy who's obsessed with raping toddlers.

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[Bitterman1996]

I voted life problems but ultimately i feel i do have mood disorders or undiagnosed ADHD that resulted in depression

 

[Neverworld]

Mental/physical health problems (major), legal/financial issues (minor). I've honestly been coping without a purpose for years now and I don't want to procrastinate any longer. I've been done with life for a long time.

 

[deletednumber]

My sister killed herself 3 months ago. I can't live with this reality anymore. The grief, the guilt the regret. I don't want this story. I want to be done.

I am very sorry for your sister ... sorry for the personal question, may I ask you how she killed herself?

 

[Sunset Limited]

I am old and have never loved this planet.

 

[symphony]

Being treatment-resistant is an absolute butt. Talk about having no hope - and for an illness (depression) where we're constantly told how many effective treatments there are out there for us!

 

[Life_isover128]

I am very ugly and lonely. The chance of me finding a life partner to help me through this journey is very low and after my parents die I'll really be all alone and I think life is pointless if you can't find love and forced to be alone

 

[BigGimpin]

Psychical (chronic) pain due to SCI, living in hell on wheels for 37 years now and I am real close to being DONE. Got N from D, just waiting for the right time.

 

[deleted]

Depression, poverty, I don't have a diagnosis but I have moments that I keep dissociating from reality so maybe it has something to do with psychosis or schizophrenia

 

[Darkover]

tinnitus and brain injury(cause by prolonged use of headphones damaged both my ears and brain) ,schizophrenia ,dislocated left shoulder 10 times gose weak and limp, decayed teeth (5 moulders), damaged stomach lining(from overdoes), depression, loneliness, poverty, no sexual relationship for 18 years, addicted to drugs(weed coke), bed bound (without taking any medication need it to stabilize my mood).

 

[NorseHel]

tinnitus and brain injury(cause by prolonged use of headphones damaged both my ears and brain) ,schizophrenia ,dislocated left shoulder 10 times gose weak and limp, decayed teeth (5 moulders), damaged stomach lining(from overdoes), depression, loneliness, poverty, no sexual relationship for 18 years, addicted to drugs(weed coke), bed bound (without taking any medication need it to stabilize my mood).

Can I ask exactly what you mean by brain injury? What are your symptoms?

I have acoustic trauma as well from blasting music at full volume for hours on end in my teen years, which has resulted in tinnitus and, much more recently, hyperacusis. The latter is my reason for being here.

At the moment, both the T and the H are still reasonably bearable and if I knew that things wouldn't get any worse than this, I think I could still live a reasonably fulfilling life. However, as I'm sure you're well aware, acoustic trauma of this nature isn't really reversible, and once you reach this point things are very likely to continue to get worse, and at a much faster rate than before. I've read so many stories of people going from being absolutely fine to being in unbearable pain, 24/7, over the span of a few months. If that's where you're at now, I truly am sorry. I'm so scared that that's where I'm heading, and if it is, I hope I'll have the strength to cut my suffering short.

 

[Darkover]

Can I ask exactly what you mean by brain injury? What are your symptoms?

i've been for a mri scan on my brain but the scan didn't find anything wrong with my brain
but i've read mri scans aren't powerful enough to detect mild brain injury, often it will not show up on an MRI.
i get sharp shooting pains in both my ears everyday both my ears must click at least 100 times a day
i was addicted to weed and listening to music with headphones on the bass killed the ears and brain i know i was causing
some sort of damaged but it just felt so pleasurable to stop, i use to be a programmer, well i've not been able to program
since the injury to my brain 6 years now, i am bed bound without medication now i just have a terrible low mood think i've damaged my reward system.
symptoms
sharp pains all at the back of my head it's feel strange wet soft the back of the brain
wetware, thats how my brain feels wet near the both ears and the back of the neck nerve damage
my brain is burning all the time, it feels wet
headphones have left the ears intact but penetrate the brain i can feel the damage to the tissues it hurts and burns i have nerve damage i can feel the burning on the back of the neck and it feels wet the whole brain hurts, plus clicking of the the ears structural damage there, the nerve damage is effecting my whole body my shoulders feel cool struggling to stand and walk about this is absolutely terrible

 

[FogFilledLife]

Life has no meaning anyway, might as well see if there's something after.

 

[eternalflame]

I suck at life and don't want to have anything to do with it. Lack of existence sounds better than bad existence.

 

[Ednospatient]

Depression and an eating disorder (frequent vomiting I cannot control)

 

[Noctis]

Like a lot of people, I don't think I have an easy answer. My parents were shit, so now I have PTSD (according to my therapist). My undiagnosed ADHD turned into depression. The combination of those two made it impossible for me to form meaningful relationships. Also, I simply hate myself.

 

[fullofregrets]

Severe social anxiety, depression for 5 years. Now permanent acne scars all over, ruined skin on top of that and the effects of Accutane to deal with.

 

[Starchaser]

I love living, I love life and almost every aspect of it (at least for now).
I'm also self-made millionaire but guess what, I have an incurable and ugly disease and I'm thinking of killing myself 90% of the time.
Poetic justice never surprises by failing.