Sakura.
Nienawidzę siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 170
As you may remember, when registering for SaSu, in addition to the standard profile information, each of us was also required to fill out the "Why do you want to join? Explain in detail" field, along with the note next to it: "You WILL be rejected if your answer is vague, lazy, or immature". I remember trying very hard to describe everything in detail, fearing I wouldn't actually be accepted, though that fear was probably exaggerated. Interestingly, our "reasons for joining" are still available for us to read in the "Preferences" tab in our profile settings.
I thought we could share them if we felt comfortable doing so. This can also be of great value if we registered here a long time ago and can now check whether any of the reasons we indicated back then have changed.
Here are my reasons:
"From my earliest childhood, I was terribly persecuted by my peers. At best, they would mock me, at worst - brutally torment me. I never had, don't have, and won't have any friends or a life partner. I am completely alone. The bullying experiences have caused a terrible trauma in me, which makes me unable to function in society, behaving as if I were autistic or otherwise impaired. I waste my life because of this, not only missing out on any meaningful relationships with other people, but also not progressing, not being able to achieve anything important. I can't even have any hobbies or interests. My mom recently passed away from cancer, I myself have increasingly serious health problems, and in the near future I may not be able to function normally because of them. I could go on..." (The text here has been automatically cropped and I can't get the rest of it back.)
I registered here on May 1, 2024, over two years ago. As you can see, my situation has both remained the same and "changed" completely. It's an interesting case – my situation is exactly the same as before, but my understanding of it has completely changed. I must admit, I was surprised that at the time, I cited severe bullying as a teenager as the primary cause of my suffering. Indeed, the most severe bullying began at age 11 (though, of course, I had experienced negative perceptions from my peers much earlier), and it continued intermittently until I was 16. Until I was almost 23, I thought this bullying was the reason my life was so awful. It wasn't until I registered on SaSu and read numerous posts by autistic people that I realized that in my case, these problems weren't caused by social anxiety or traumatized interpersonal relationships, which could potentially be fixed, but by being autistic, which couldn't be fixed in any way. And soon, when I tried to get better, knowing I had autism in particular, it proved completely impossible. So I remember it as learning about being autistic thanks to SaSu, so I'm very surprised that I wrote back then that—I thought—"because of social anxiety, I act as if I had autism." Back then, I associated autism with various characteristic autistic traits that I don't have, and I didn't know that you could theoretically be exactly like everyone else and yet have autism, and that's precisely why nothing in my life worked.
I must also admit that I'm surprised that back then, I was already putting a health issue at the forefront of my mind. I wouldn't feel comfortable describing it in detail, but I was diagnosed with it around age 13, and by age 21, it had become significantly more severe, and I was in constant pain to varying degrees from it. When I registered for SaSu, it had been going on for two years, and I was afraid that I would soon be disabled because of it and would have to use a wheelchair, constantly in chronic, unbearable pain. The pain from this problem persisted for another year... but a year ago, my weight dropped alarmingly (which may have been the result of some other health issue I didn't know about), which, however, caused the pain from that health issue to disappear. The problem is still there, and it will return with double the intensity in the future, but for now, while I was constantly in pain, to varying degrees, I haven't even remembered it for a year.
I thought we could share them if we felt comfortable doing so. This can also be of great value if we registered here a long time ago and can now check whether any of the reasons we indicated back then have changed.
Here are my reasons:
"From my earliest childhood, I was terribly persecuted by my peers. At best, they would mock me, at worst - brutally torment me. I never had, don't have, and won't have any friends or a life partner. I am completely alone. The bullying experiences have caused a terrible trauma in me, which makes me unable to function in society, behaving as if I were autistic or otherwise impaired. I waste my life because of this, not only missing out on any meaningful relationships with other people, but also not progressing, not being able to achieve anything important. I can't even have any hobbies or interests. My mom recently passed away from cancer, I myself have increasingly serious health problems, and in the near future I may not be able to function normally because of them. I could go on..." (The text here has been automatically cropped and I can't get the rest of it back.)
I registered here on May 1, 2024, over two years ago. As you can see, my situation has both remained the same and "changed" completely. It's an interesting case – my situation is exactly the same as before, but my understanding of it has completely changed. I must admit, I was surprised that at the time, I cited severe bullying as a teenager as the primary cause of my suffering. Indeed, the most severe bullying began at age 11 (though, of course, I had experienced negative perceptions from my peers much earlier), and it continued intermittently until I was 16. Until I was almost 23, I thought this bullying was the reason my life was so awful. It wasn't until I registered on SaSu and read numerous posts by autistic people that I realized that in my case, these problems weren't caused by social anxiety or traumatized interpersonal relationships, which could potentially be fixed, but by being autistic, which couldn't be fixed in any way. And soon, when I tried to get better, knowing I had autism in particular, it proved completely impossible. So I remember it as learning about being autistic thanks to SaSu, so I'm very surprised that I wrote back then that—I thought—"because of social anxiety, I act as if I had autism." Back then, I associated autism with various characteristic autistic traits that I don't have, and I didn't know that you could theoretically be exactly like everyone else and yet have autism, and that's precisely why nothing in my life worked.
I must also admit that I'm surprised that back then, I was already putting a health issue at the forefront of my mind. I wouldn't feel comfortable describing it in detail, but I was diagnosed with it around age 13, and by age 21, it had become significantly more severe, and I was in constant pain to varying degrees from it. When I registered for SaSu, it had been going on for two years, and I was afraid that I would soon be disabled because of it and would have to use a wheelchair, constantly in chronic, unbearable pain. The pain from this problem persisted for another year... but a year ago, my weight dropped alarmingly (which may have been the result of some other health issue I didn't know about), which, however, caused the pain from that health issue to disappear. The problem is still there, and it will return with double the intensity in the future, but for now, while I was constantly in pain, to varying degrees, I haven't even remembered it for a year.
