What is this life?

[Rose190021]

Eight months ago I had one more attempt and yet one moe failure. This time it wasn't an intentional intent. I started shooting up meth and benzos, overdosed, got raped and went bat shit crazy. I guess I have a disease of mental illness and addiction. I checked in to treatment for substance abuse and behavioral health on October 11 2019. It's a 6-9 month program. I've been here six months and with everything going on they gave us our phones back. Once again I'm finding comfort in this site with people who understand me but so ashamed of my failed attempts. My mind is so fogged up. Thoughts of suicide and cutting creep up all the time but really I don't want to die I want to stop feeling this pain. Even stop existing temporarily. I want to shoot some meth again but I've had to much laced shit that it freaks me out. I have 3 months sober from all mind and mood altering substances the most I've put in my body is ibuprofen and an antibiotic. I feel proud of myself by I don't feel good about myself. And im still drawn to this site and the pain is still there. I feel wrong for being in treatment and being on this site. Like I'm breaking a rule and I know this would not be tolerated if I was honest with someone about what I was doing. My heart is beating out of my chest just writing this but I feel so alone. I want to reach out to someone and let them know what's going on but the part of me that is content with this depression makes me feel like this is okay. I don't even know. I gain hope from you all that everything is going to work itself out whether I'm here or not. Thanks for listening.

 

[faust]

Hello,
If you do not feel well enough or don't want to tell anybody else, you can always tell us
There is no need to keep your pain inside, we are here to listen!
Remember, drugs will never solve any of your problems, they can only postpone.
So one day you will have to meet them face to face anyway.
Anyway, I wish you a good luck in whatever you do, take care!

 

[luna666]

That's the part about this site that not many people get: we actually feel very happy when someone tries to get better and support every type of decision, not only the ctb related ones. You'll find supportive people here hopping you find a peaceful way to deal with your problems. So don't feel bad about visiting this site, because there's also a recovery tab available if you're trying to get better and pursuing treatment.
I hope you find the peace that you're searching for!

 

[NotSure]

Eight months ago I had one more attempt and yet one moe failure. This time it wasn't an intentional intent. I started shooting up meth and benzos, overdosed, got raped and went bat shit crazy. I guess I have a disease of mental illness and addiction. I checked in to treatment for substance abuse and behavioral health on October 11 2019. It's a 6-9 month program. I've been here six months and with everything going on they gave us our phones back. Once again I'm finding comfort in this site with people who understand me but so ashamed of my failed attempts. My mind is so fogged up. Thoughts of suicide and cutting creep up all the time but really I don't want to die I want to stop feeling this pain. Even stop existing temporarily. I want to shoot some meth again but I've had to much laced shit that it freaks me out. I have 3 months sober from all mind and mood altering substances the most I've put in my body is ibuprofen and an antibiotic. I feel proud of myself by I don't feel good about myself. And im still drawn to this site and the pain is still there. I feel wrong for being in treatment and being on this site. Like I'm breaking a rule and I know this would not be tolerated if I was honest with someone about what I was doing. My heart is beating out of my chest just writing this but I feel so alone. I want to reach out to someone and let them know what's going on but the part of me that is content with this depression makes me feel like this is okay. I don't even know. I gain hope from you all that everything is going to work itself out whether I'm here or not. Thanks for listening.

I'm glad you're okay. I happened to see some of your posts from before this last incident, and was following your stuff. I saw your post from that day and saw nothing for months after. I was hoping for the best, which, I guess that outcome was better than the alternative