What if this never ends

[HopingOnaMiracle]

I'm frightened by this thought. What if this depression (taking 2 years of my life now) is permanent? After 2 years+1.5 years of burn out there are no signs of recovery. What the hell is at the end of the tunnel. Euthenasia?

I don't want to die but I can't live like this. Every day is full of suffering. Please just say it will be ok.

 

[Redacted24]

It can feel never ending and sorry to confirm that it kind of is that way. I've been dealing with it for decades. It doesn't go away.
Maybe others have different experiences (and I hope someone does! )

For me it's not that I have recovered. It's more like I've been able to manage it. Or, trying to. I came to this site last year because I was actively looking to end my life, after all.

But I realized that ending my life didn't necessarily mean in the physical sense. I could end my relationships, my job, where I reside and live a different life.

And if that doesn't work out, well there's always the deep blue sea in which to disappear.

So now I'm working on not feeling so depressed. I routinely take a depression screening test and have a log to monitor my ups and downs. I see a therapist. I'm not taking medications. I'm trying to control the urge.

It's still there, humming in the background. Most days I can tune it out. Some days it's so loud that I see police on the sidewalk and want to grab their weapon, click the safety off, and finish it on the spot.

It doesn't go away. But it can be managed I think.
Sorry if that's not helpful.
This site is full of kind members that accept and support. And I'm sure others have better answers than mine.

 

[spoonfed]

Burnout and recovery, that's how it should work but the world we live in is to get back up and keep going forfeiting the recovery stage and so the depression begins and so if you've lived long enough with it you can see the cycle of ups and downs make sure you have coping strategies take 5 or 10 minutes get some fresh air deep breathing exercises, if you're working try asking for occupational health, maybe your workplace is the cause. Truth is you have to be happy inside of yourself doing the things that make you happy taking time to heal body and mind its a work/life balance some people thrive in the chaos of work others need the extra time out. It's not a one shoe fits all recovery either some take courses some seek therapy others have medication. Do what works for you. All I can say is I've been on this roller coaster most of my life done all the therapy, take all the drugs but I'm 50 now and the older you get the more difficult, the more energy sapping, life inhibiting it becomes its hard to change a mindset that's ingrained. I know I'm close to my end got no fight left in me, it's not a great path to be on its not for everyone but I've made my bed and I got to lie in it, if you're not at that crossroads yet seek help, take time out and figure out the important things in your life and focus on you. Sorry for the sermon I get carried away. I speak heart on my sleeve as a suicide survivor.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You wish for recovery so much. I wish I had a solution to how to beat depression. I really hope you find a way how you can recover to get back your life!

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

It can feel never ending and sorry to confirm that it kind of is that way. I've been dealing with it for decades. It doesn't go away.
Maybe others have different experiences (and I hope someone does! )

For me it's not that I have recovered. It's more like I've been able to manage it. Or, trying to. I came to this site last year because I was actively looking to end my life, after all.

But I realized that ending my life didn't necessarily mean in the physical sense. I could end my relationships, my job, where I reside and live a different life.

And if that doesn't work out, well there's always the deep blue sea in which to disappear.

So now I'm working on not feeling so depressed. I routinely take a depression screening test and have a log to monitor my ups and downs. I see a therapist. I'm not taking medications. I'm trying to control the urge.

It's still there, humming in the background. Most days I can tune it out. Some days it's so loud that I see police on the sidewalk and want to grab their weapon, click the safety off, and finish it on the spot.

It doesn't go away. But it can be managed I think.
Sorry if that's not helpful.
This site is full of kind members that accept and support. And I'm sure others have better answers than mine.

It being manageable would be a great improvement to what I'm feeling right now; desperation. I'm sorry your situation doesn't improve but it being manageable must mean it's bearable. My life right now is unbearable most of the time. It's driving me nuts. I want to go to the psychiatric hospital but they won't take me yet. I need to quit drinking alcohol for 3 months first.

If my situation would be manageble that would be a great improvement.

Burnout and recovery, that's how it should work but the world we live in is to get back up and keep going forfeiting the recovery stage and so the depression begins and so if you've lived long enough with it you can see the cycle of ups and downs make sure you have coping strategies take 5 or 10 minutes get some fresh air deep breathing exercises, if you're working try asking for occupational health, maybe your workplace is the cause. Truth is you have to be happy inside of yourself doing the things that make you happy taking time to heal body and mind its a work/life balance some people thrive in the chaos of work others need the extra time out. It's not a one shoe fits all recovery either some take courses some seek therapy others have medication. Do what works for you. All I can say is I've been on this roller coaster most of my life done all the therapy, take all the drugs but I'm 50 now and the older you get the more difficult, the more energy sapping, life inhibiting it becomes its hard to change a mindset that's ingrained. I know I'm close to my end got no fight left in me, it's not a great path to be on its not for everyone but I've made my bed and I got to lie in it, if you're not at that crossroads yet seek help, take time out and figure out the important things in your life and focus on you. Sorry for the sermon I get carried away. I speak heart on my sleeve as a suicide survivor.

Meditation is actually one of the few things that do help me. It can give me a short break from the pain. Acceptance. I still have hope. In the hospital I might get ECT later. But after that?

You wish for recovery so much. I wish I had a solution to how to beat depression. I really hope you find a way how you can recover to get back your life!

Thanks for your support. All I can do is hope. Hope for my old life back

 

[freakypossum]

It took 10 years of my life so far. Hoping for change and I wish you the best

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

It took 10 years of my life so far. Hoping for change and I wish you the best

That's what I'm afraid for. I hope my stay in the psychiatric hospital will work...

 

[Vacuous]

I'm frightened by this thought. What if this depression (taking 2 years of my life now) is permanent? After 2 years+1.5 years of burn out there are no signs of recovery. What the hell is at the end of the tunnel. Euthenasia?

I don't want to die but I can't live like this. Every day is full of suffering. Please just say it will be ok.

It will be okay. Everything is temporary, and the power your pain has over you is a miniscule manifestation of your being. Your internal strength, with which you have made it this far in life, contains a power, a beauty, that can transcend your material environment; it can touch the minds and souls of others. You mustn't deny others your gift.