Discussion what do you blame for your choice to CTB

[Somewhat Suicidal]

do I blame life for being bad or do I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with its bad?
do I blame war or my anxiety? do I blame illness or my faith? do I blame my face or my inability to love it? do I blame my socioeconomic status or my failure in overcoming my upbringing situations?

both. monocausal explanations all share one truth: they are wrong.
circumstances can be helpful or detrimental, your coping mechanisms can be helpful or detrimental. Usually a combination of those 2 being detrimental is what brings us where we are here.

and is there even a benefit to blaming myself or my life?

I think there's not benefit in blaming anything or anyone in general, except for explanatory purposes

is bad and good one of the same, and one cannot exist without the other?

Bad and good are subjective. But regarding feelings, probably some very widely acknowledged bads and goods exist, true (being abandoned = bad; finding love = good). One has no or at least less meaning without the other, I would agree. In my example at least the bad can't even exist without the good.

do you blame life/world or do you blame yourself for your reaction to it, in your choice of suicide?

Both. see below.

i blame my disorder, as it's literally the thing making me want to do it. i've had some bad stuff happen, sure, but i don't think i would be pushed to the point of ctb/thoughts of ctb if i didn't have a worm in brain making that the go-to solution. i guess that counts as blaming just the circumstances. i don't blame my parents (i'm not sure if my depression is in any way genetic), or my past abusers, or really anyone, including myself. other stuff makes me sad or angry, but the only thing making me want to kill myself is major depressive disorder. it can't be helped, and it's just how it is.

same. the inability to deal with shit that results from that major depression taking hold more and more over the years despite me fighting it. Some straight up unlucky circumstances I had nothing to do with also worked to my detriment in making it worse. Some bad decisions on my part also did for sure.

A bad set of circumstances over time. It really bothers me how even in my struggles people close to me were saying it was my choices and decisions that led me to be where I'm at today, but no this is not entirely true, I swear things just kept going wrong, until all the bad twists converged with me ending up with a weird/bad life that I should not be living. So what is responsible for my considering death as a solution is really just one thing after another going against favor of what would've benefited me in this life. People who haven't had a series of unfortunate events do not understand. I was perfectly fine, generally capable, overall mentally stable, and crap went haywire anyway

I absolutely feel this. I've tried so many variants getting back on the horse the last 10 years and nothing that worked for other people seems to work for me. For some reason what is supposed to work always goes wrong in some stupid way it doesn't for others. Idk if im too stupid to realize how I affected some of those things, but some of them I really didn't, they were just really bad luck. Even one of my long term therapists and doctors said this to me at some point...

quiting smoking weed after long term use, has brought me into deep anxiety, fear

Somewhat similar for me. While not making stuff better really it did at least stop me from realising how shit everything was and enabled me to do more of the stuff to make it better. Now I'm entirely paralyzed and not able to do anything pretty much. I did get my weed via private prescription even after my psychiatrist said maybe I should just try that after countless SSRIs did nothing.

i wouldn't inherently dislike living if these circumstances were changeable but they aren't.

Same. But apparently they just aren't for me.

 

[endlesschatter]

To life and some morons who were jealous