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DiscussionWhat are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.
Thread starterRose Mirren
Start date
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I have contradictory feelings at the moment. I don't want to die, I think that even if I'm talentless that I can maybe at the very least become a mother at some point. But then again I dont want to add to whats already pretty bad generational trauma, so as much as I want to live I think it would be best if I ended my bloodline here </3
Reactions:
Praestat_Mori, not-2-b-the-answer and CTB Dream
Recording me wearing a pair of jeans that I bought and like just because my muffin top is showing is not showing that's going to help me internally. You'll suggest that you're doing this type of shit as a "lesson", then inevitably cry about why I killed myself. It's small shit like this; it totals up over time. I can't buy drugs to make me thinner (like you, living in your pretty-privilege blindspot) and I only have one body to live in. I'm trying to appreciate that as much as I can.
But I can't win, can I? I can't be allowed to accept myself—let alone love myself.
Reactions:
Praestat_Mori, GlassMoon, not-2-b-the-answer and 1 other person
Recording me wearing a pair of jeans that I bought and like just because my muffin top is showing is not showing that's going to help me internally. You'll suggest that you're doing this type of shit as a "lesson", then inevitably cry about why I killed myself. It's small shit like this; it totals up over time. I can't buy drugs to make me thinner (like you, living in your pretty-privilege blindspot) and I only have one body to live in. I'm trying to appreciate that as much as I can.
But I can't win, can I? I can't be allowed to accept myself—let alone love myself.
Who the fuck does something so rude as some sort of "lesson"? I agree, it's small shit like that what adds over time, people with privilege understand jack-shit, and some of us apparently can't win. But, to reiterate, that's a really shitty thing to do as a friend...
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Praestat_Mori, Alcoholic Teletubby, CTB Dream and 2 others
Nothing in me wants to be alive.
I have a husband who loves me, and I love him so much. A dog who keeps me here and brings me joy and depends on me. They are why I'm still here.
There are people who would be hurt if I left. My therapist of 10+ years who has been with me through the worst of this battle. A motherly figure who has been with in the ER after a serious self harm incident that put me in the hospital. People who want me to recover. Siblings and their kids who I love deeply. How do I explain that I love them but I don't want to exist anymore?
I've struggled for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed at 12. I get through. I work. I survive. I take care of what I need to. But I want to die. I just do.
I drink and smoke weed, cut when I have to, just to get through. I'm on meds to manage the anxiety. But I refuse to take more. If rather be dead than a zombie and a slave to the medical system.
I feel so selfish. I just don't want to do it anymore.
Reactions:
Praestat_Mori, not-2-b-the-answer and CTB Dream
I feel equally terrorized about my miserable condition in life and the prospective conditions, or lack thereof, I may find myself in if I proceed to end it. I am anguished and tortured endlessly by several chronic illnesses that possess no cure or indication of improvement. Still, my yearning for relief from the torment does not negate the existential fear of what lies beyond. Does excessive and unjust suffering justify the premature jump into an eternity of obsoletion? Will the end of the rope yield the consummation I so desperately desire? Is shattering the veil an act of bravery or cowardice, clarity or incompetence? What will come of the vacancy I leave in my stead, and of the people afflicted by its emptiness? So much pain, such little time, and far too many unknowns.
Reactions:
Praestat_Mori, not-2-b-the-answer and CTB Dream
CTB Dream
Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
Unfairness and despair. Other people can have happy life, so many friends, good mood, excitement in life. And I can't! And I don't have any hope I would longterm.
And I don't mean fakeness on social media. I look at my irl friends, who are healthy. And I'm not. And it sucks for me. And it's no one's fault.
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Praestat_Mori, GlassMoon, not-2-b-the-answer and 1 other person
My insomnia is hitting me hard. Tried to do workout until exhaustion yet I still couldn't fall asleep despite being tired af. I keep overthinking about the past and all the ways I could've been better every time I lay in my bed. Now I'm scrolling through the internet in the middle of the night while slowly getting ill due to the lack of sleep, again.
Reactions:
Praestat_Mori, not-2-b-the-answer and CTB Dream
hungry and agitated and hungry and tired and i want to die and also 5% excited cuz im going beachy head on Monday and yeah and i dont want to sleep rn because dreams i hate dreams and im hungry im so hungry
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not-2-b-the-answer, Praestat_Mori and CTB Dream
I'm so tired and so dejected. I want to leave the country but everyone hates me and nobody believes in me. I'm tired of fighting to prove myself to everyone constantly all the time. Tired of being rejected. Tired of being judged. Tired of being lonely. Tired of people hating me just because of how I look or who they think I am without even bothering to talk to me or ask me. People are afraid of me. They all assume the worst in me. I notice. They shrink away from me in elevators and avoid me in stores. Cashiers are curt and avoid eye contact. I'm not even given a chance to prove I'm not who they think I am. Everyone just assumes. If my mere presence makes everyone so uncomfortable, then obviously the world would be a better place without me in it.
My family says I have better days ahead but they never come. The clouds never break. It just gets darker and lonelier and bleaker day by day by day.
I just don't want to be here anymore. I've seen enough. I think it's getting close to time.
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Reactions:
not-2-b-the-answer, CTB Dream and Praestat_Mori
Feeling very low. Just went away for Easter weekend. Originally, I'd planned an attempt when booking the cottage. I wouldn't have done the attempt at the cottage; it would have been at a remote area on the way home. I thought it'd be nice to have a final weekend where I read my favourite books, watch my favourite tv show and eat my favourite foods etc. I couldn't bring myself to do any of them :( I just felt so anxious and scared all the time. I just spent most of the time lying down in bed and thinking. What a waste of a holiday. A small part of me thinks maybe things could get better, so maybe I'm not ready? But it's been this way for a while now. Perhaps I just need to go for it?
Holidays are meant to be fun right? I just felt so alone. Kept trying to pretend I had someone there with me, so pathetic. It's been so long since I've had a relationship. I don't think anyone will ever want me. Two days before my holiday my therapist contacted my GP on my behalf as she said she was concerned about me. I'm disappointed as I thought she was different. In the end I think they are all the same. They escalate under the guise of care but really, they are just wanting to protect themselves in case something happens. Which is fair enough, I guess. It just makes it so hard to be open with somebody.
I really like her and think about her all the time. I feel like I've disappointed her now. I'm not sure if she wants to see me again and I'm not sure if I want to see her. I'd hoped she might have contacted me after the GP visit to see how I am, but it's been radio silence.
The GP visit was an hour meeting with a mental health nurse. She was nice and easy to talk to but kept pushing me to get involved with the crisis team. I refused due to two poor experiences with them in the past. She strongly recommended me to not go on my holiday. I hadn't told her or my therapist what I had planned but I'm guessing they figured it out as my therapist told her that going away is very out of character for me.
Although I'm back home now and feel like a worthless failure again. Just think, I could have taken my life this morning and I wouldn't be here, feeling like this. Just a constant stream of regret. I wish I didn't have doubts.
I went for a long walk tonight, to where I plan to make my attempt if I get the courage to go through with it. I just sat there contemplating for a while. I can leave at any time. Part of me thinks, what's the rush? See how things play out. But part of me just wants to end it. There are too many things wrong with me. I've got to see the mental health nurse again tomorrow, will see how that plays out I think.
That was a lot of text, sorry everyone, I don't have anybody to talk to. It's been a while since I've posted on this thread. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
I feel very over stimulated. I really want to cut. I kinda wanna jump. I really wish I could drink, but all alcohol has been removed from my apartment.
I'm angry that my partner left me because I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. It didn't matter that I had a plan to get care, he just didn't want to deal with it. He probably fell out of love with me long ago. I should have had the self respect to leave him. I didn't "allow" him to be abusive, but I stayed where he could if he wanted to. I told myself that I was acting in self love by setting boundaries with him, but he clearly only respected them, temporarily, for his own self image. He kept telling me that what he wanted to do or say was so much worse in his own head and that I should be grateful for it. He violated so many boundaries and I kept coming back. I still want him back and would take him back if he offered. I miss him so much. I am so mad that I saw him at his absolute worst and didn't leave, but he left me when I was suicidal. He knew how in danger I was, but he abandoned me. I just want him to hold me. I'm so scared of everything now. I'm in so much despair. I feel like a little kid again.
I feel angry, life isn't fair, and yes I get that but I don't have to just suck it up, my autism cripples me, my talents are nonexistent for what I want to do, now I feel peace. Quietness. I know I'm gonna die and that'll be it.
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Michi_Violeta, fleetingnight, Seaghost and 2 others
Anger frustration betrayed ... i have my issuses and they are mine...and mine alone to discuss with qhom ever i choose to.. just beacuse my partner knows i ok but struggling ...she thinks its her place to tell me friends about thing ..i sick and fucking tired of people who think they have the right to dictate and talk about my life ... it fucking mine ill do what i fuckin want with it .. im sorry if its not in there best intrest ... im ME just fucking let ME be ME ... why should i suffer why should bend of fucking backwards to to accomafate your feelings and how you thinkyou can tell me how to live .. step away and let me make own mistakes ...my own wins.. my life
Reactions:
fleetingnight, Seaghost, not-2-b-the-answer and 1 other person
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