Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[soulkitty]

Very horrible. I couldn't get my meds AND when I came home my bathroom flooded. I feel scared and alone. I want to be hugged and held so badly, I want to be cuddled. And I overdosed on Benadryl and the side effects are making me feel really weird

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Yeah, that's true. I actually know three people close to me who've also been to a ward but none of them and no one from here has ever written a whole entire book about being in a psych ward…that I'm aware of…

I'm sure there are books. Probably not from anyone here. If someone from here had a failed attempt, they may still be there. I have read posts about it though.

 

[cruelexistence]

Lonely. Sadistic. Sad.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I might actually start planning the basic root foundations to CTB. Ultimately, I think hanging is what would work best for me.

But, I don't know. My SI is high. I feel like I'll regret it or back out with careful planning. I have small hopes to continue living, and I don't think I can attempt unless I have zero purpose in existing.

No matter what, I will never reach out for help, ever. I have zero trust in the mental health system and I would rather die then see a therapist. My friends should not see me like this, and I've been failing to hide it. If I ever end up in the ER again, I will drop all my hope and just CTB when I get home.

I'm not happy, every day is numb, the healing I've done since joining SaSu has actually made me less suicidial, but now I just feel like I lack purpose. Even if I had my dream scenario of being comforted, or even a girlfriend, it won't help erase that I was SA'd. I ruined my teen years by being SA'd. The emotional agony isn't going away, and I only have myself to blame.

People love to say they support awareness of mental illness but be disgusted at people who struggle to regulate emotion, people who can't communicate properly, people who are suicidial, etc.

I don't want to die, I'm scared. But I feel like I need to die. It's the only way I can see an end even though I know that isn't the case for me. I feel trapped, hopeless, like I set myself up to go out this way.

 

[bookgirl]

The driver who didn't see me crossing the street should have just run me over

 

[WoNkEy_DoNkEy]

Deflated of almost all life.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

i hate how socially inept i am. spent most of yesterday and this morning with a friend and their friend and i just never knew what to say so i never said anything, i probably spoke maybe three times the whole time and it was just small sentences. a random guy came up to us this morning and asked why i looked so depressed what happened to me and i was literally just neutral, thats just what i look like. fuck i want to die. i hate being alive i dont fit in anywhere its so fucking lonely im such a waste of space. the only reason people put up with me is bc i give them cigarettes and laugh at their jokes even tho i never find anything funny anymore its just a nervous reaction. existing just makes me feel so sick and depressed i never should have been born. when can i finally fucking die im so tired of this.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's almost 6 am and I can't sleep because I decided to skip dinner but it's taking a lot of my willpower to not go downstairs and eat some meat and cheese from the fridge like a human-sized rat bastard. Actually you know what, fair enough. I am a rat bastard. I'm continuing to type this as I get up right now and I'm going to eat right now. I'm not even going to get mad at myself about it yet because I'm too hungry for that. The time for self hatred will come later right now I must consume. My self control is pitiful but soon it won't matter because I will feel less empty inside.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I'm exhausted.

 

[thepiecessatup]

Frustrated and stuck in a hospital bed under medicated and stressed out. Feel a wreck and look one too. Desperate to ctb but made the mistake of telling the mental health team so now feel completely helpless. I am determined to get out of this life. I hate myself. I'm in constant panic and paranoia and depression and anxiety.

 

[i dont feel real.]

Bad. I want to blow my fucking brains off. I just want it

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Not to awesome

 

[Irrelevant biologist]

Broken. Messed up. Unworthy.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I can't CTB yet, or at all.

It's not my time.

I may be in pain, I may be suffering. I just need to hold on.
I don't know why I am, I just know it's not my time.
As much as I want it to be.

 

[AnAnonymousCrow]

Nothing feels real. I was extremely depressed yesterday. I feel better today. Just restless and aimless. I feel very tired. Tomorrow, there'll be someone different in the passenger seat. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is genuine or something that isn't real. I can feel them laughing at me in the back of my head. It's kinda like being in a room full of people: you can feel their presence. Right now, I feel like a complete piece of crap and a coward. I shouldn't be on here. I should be dead. I'm a coward. I owe it to myself. Moreover, I'm a fraud. The people in my head are just parts of me interacting with other parts. They're not real. I feel so ashamed for even thinking of them. Today is one of the days when I think all of my problems are non-existent, I'm a weak, pathetic waste of space, I'm alone and I deserve it, and I'm making up my problems. Tomorrow I have work. I'll probably start talking to myself and feel depressed. They'll start talking to me again. My feelings are so chaotic. Everytime I think I've escaped, I realize that I'm just in another phase. I have multiple "states" of being. Each one has its preferences, way of talking, feelings, and opinions of me. I've got no idea what I'm dealing with. I'm never going to be able to live life as one person. I don't have DID. I don't know what I have. The only thing keeping me from suicide is the fear that I'll go to hell if I do. I'm trying to work out a way so that I can kill myself and God will forgive me. It's funny, but I don't believe in God. Or at least a part of me doesn't. That part's a scared coward. I can't do anything without something in the back of my head complaining. I can't do anything without somebody saying something. I'll probably regret typing this out later.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel nothing but regret right now. I decided to go with my mom to her home country because she claimed I needed a mental health break and I regret agreeing to go. I constantly tried to look at it from a positive angle, but now I'm here, it's day one, and I feel miserable. I hate how hot it is, I hate all the bugs here, and I hate the way this country looks. I've never liked how tropical climates looked so this place looks ugly to me. Maybe it'll get better from here. I really hope so. I feel bad, especially since her friends were nice enough to help with the trip and she seems excited about me being in her home country, but I already want to head back home. When I was younger I used to pretend to want to really visit here to please her and my stepmom, but in all honesty, I never wanted to ever visit her country. Now I'm stuck here for three weeks.

Hopefully the trip gets better from here, because I've already had thoughts of threatening to harm myself in order to force her into bringing us back home.

 

[soulkitty]

Extremely bored, nothing seems interesting to me right now and everything is bland

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm not feeling anything right now.

 

[terra.nuvo]

I'm honestly feeling a little scared rn. I have a class that I have to start soon and I am not at all ready. I'm nervous that I won't be able to finish school and that I'll be stuck in this situation in life for the rest of my life. I'm also feeling a bit like a shut in cause I've closed myself off from the world for so long that I've lost a large portion of my friends. I don't remember how to talk to people and the only people I do talk to "normally" now are my mother and sister. I'm scared I'll never be able to talk to people again the way I used to be able to. It's like I had a gift and then all of a sudden it was gone. And now I'm left behind as a shell of the person I used to be and don't know what to do.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Going to try THC gummies for the first time in two days and I'm both excited and horrified. It's only 2 mg, won't get stoned.

Meanwhile I've been almost heavy dosing melatonin for a few days so I'm trying to force myself to stop and now I can't sleep at all. I want something to ultimately knock me unconscious for the night because I'm the most impulsive. I hate my life. I hate my circumstances. And for some reason I'm fighting to continue the life I hate. I need something to sleep, I'm overthinking my life for the third time today. I'm not pathetic, I'm ashamed. I just want to feel okay.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I bought some alcohol at a convenience store to get a little drunk after work but I'm not actually drunk yet. Just mildly buzzed. I think this may be the start of some awful solo drinking arc I go through where I begin to cope with my lovelessness by drowning my sorrows.

So yeah, not feeling too great which is why I feel the need to have sorrows to drown in the first place.

I think the girl I like doesn't love me but I may just be saying that because she called off work for some reason. My egotistical narcissistic ass thinks it's because she doesn't want to see me even though the last couple times I encountered her went well but maybe that's only my shitty, misinformed perspective. It's a definite possibility that I've just been delusional all along and she doesn't like me in the slightest. God listen to me prattle on as usual about how much I fucking suck. I hate this aspect of myself too. It's just another cog in the awful machine I am. Even if she didn't call out because of me, that just leaves me worried for her like maybe she's injured or sick or maybe she's actually with someone better than me and just wanted to hang out with him. How dare this man be there for her? That should have been me, whoever he is. I'm such a terrible person for thinking this. I know people seem to think I'm too hard on myself but the truth is I'm not. I mean it. I really really am as terrible as I say. This sick obsession of mine isn't cute, it's deplorable. It's disgusting. It's degenerate. In the event that I actually did manage to get with her, I'd probably still find some way to ruin it. To ruin her. Part of why I'm scared is I just don't want to hurt her. I think I love her so much but what do I know? Maybe people are right that I don't know what real love is but if that's true then why is it my lot in life to unfairly never get to experience it just because I'm being naive about it? So many other people get to fail upward when it comes to love what makes me so uniquely awful? I mean I know I am awful but why should I be forced to have to struggle when so many others don't?

Anyway, I'm not drunk. I only took 50 minutes of sipping while writing this post anyway.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm in a pretty good mood today. I think my sour mood yesterday was partly due to me not getting any sleep the night before. Today we went out for lunch and then we wne to the beach. I collected a bunch of small seashells and walked around the beach for a bit and now I'm catching up on some episodes of Invincible that I missed.

 

[terra.nuvo]

I'd say I'm pretty hopeful at the moment. I just finished a therapy session that made me think that I can actually finish school this time and I'm actually excited for the next session cause we'll talk about my past and why I am the way I am. It feels like I'm finally actually making steps in the right direction towards getting better. Like I can almost feel myself slowly wanting more and more to stay alive and see what life has in store for me. It's a really nice change of pace for me to be feeling like this cause usually I'm feeling the complete opposite and can't imagine wanting to stay alive longer than another year and who knows I may go back to that tomorrow but at least for right now I feel kind of good.

 

[astonishedturnip]

"Cosmo, Wanda, I wish I had nembutal"

 

[soulkitty]

I want to die so badly. I'm such a useless burden. I just exist and leech off of others I feel disgusting. I should have been recovered already I don't know why I'm taking such a long time to grow up. I just want to exist and heal for a while but I feel like there's so much pressure on me to have a job and my own place and at least have done SOMETHING of worth in my life. When I was little I thought I would have accomplished so much by now. But the only thing I've accomplished is putting myself in 5,000$ of student debt. Why am I so bad at life. I feel like I wasn't meant for this world

 

[Saturn_]

Easily the most miserable I've been in a while. Usually I'm able to daydream it off and escape through derealization. I've really taken those abilities for granted haven't I?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I just want to go

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I'm trapped at work again.
Every effort I've made has been in vain.
Only pain exists, without any gain.
I want to jump in front of the train.

 

[hot]

anger

 

[HereTomorrow]

Miserable.

I just want to not have suicidal urges anymore. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I just want to be okay. And yet I'm not. I'm stuck in a stasis and just living in a numb world because I'm too much of a coward to CTB. My SI is way too high. I want out.