Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dejected 55]

Still sick... maybe less so than the last couple of days, but still sick. And still miserable about life in general. Wish SO much I was already gone, but I couldn't do that right either. There's nothing redeeming in my life or in the world to me. Perhaps there never was and it just took me most of my life to admit it. I don't want to be here or anywhere. I don't want to be, period.

 

[Forveleth]

 

[shampoo sniffer]

Got over my flu/cold, now I have glue ear :(

Feeling lousy and sleeping most of the time.

 

[Unlucky777]

I wish I could just get it over with already.

I wish I could work up the courage to make another attempt, this time with a more reliable method. I just want out but I also have moments of false hope that keeps me here. I just want to give up but it's not that easy with so many things to consider.

I wish it was so easy to leave this place as it was to just fucking appear out of nowhere and just exist

 

[Dejected 55]

Still remnants of whatever has made me sick in recent days... lots of congestion, throat feels slightly swollen but not as sore, still feel woozy. The combination of being sick and being depressed makes it very hard to care or want to do anything. This would be a great time to expire if I had figured out a new method I was ready to try. I'm still so lost from failing late last year that I don't know what to do. I just know I can't keep going much longer.

 

[amor.dor]

I've already made my decision about my CTB,But I don't want to get close to anyone anymore because my departure is inevitable. What distresses me isn't my own death, but the fact that I'll leave behind people who care about me. I want to at least leave something that can guide them toward a better outlook on life — something that helps them be okay.

 

[Bitch With An Apple]

Got my adderall script today. Dose was too low, but I think it works. I don't know about focus and motivation but I feel very evened out and serene. Hopefully this will lead to some positive change. I am still terrified of next semester. Wish there was an easy answer to adulthood.

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

I feel my mood becoming a little less stable than I would like it to be. I am starting to loose control on the grip I have on my emotions. To be honest it is quite unnerving. I like to pretend that I'm all well and fully funtioning again, but I'm not. I keep falling apart and fixing myself again. Each time I fall, a few pieces of me get lost. I fear soon there will be not much left of me to put back together. I need a new start. I need a reset.

 

[Unlucky777]

I feel my mood becoming a little less stable than I would like it to be. I am starting to loose control on the grip I have on my emotions. To be honest it is quite unnerving. I like to pretend that I'm all well and fully funtioning again, but I'm not. I keep falling apart and fixing myself again. Each time I fall, a few pieces of me get lost. I fear soon there will be not much left of me to put back together. I need a new start. I need a reset.

I have been the exact same way.

I keep falling, putting myself back together, fall again, repeat.

I'm so tired of myself TBH

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

I have been the exact same way.

I keep falling, putting myself back together, fall again, repeat.

I'm so tired of myself TBH

Keep building and putting yourself together. I do believe the lost or new pieces can be found all around. Might even build a whole new you.

 

[Unlucky777]

Keep building and putting yourself together. I do believe the lost or new pieces can be found all around. Might even build a whole new you.

It gets very tiresome after two years of having to do this over and over again, which led me to this place. I'm not sure how much more I can tolerate. Actually, I'm trying to put myself back together again after having fallen yet again when my dad had a stroke and passed away.

 

[cleanandpretty]

Scared

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I started ketamine therapy last week and it's been helpful. I'm unsure of how it will pan out in the long run. Having this feeling creates a little anxiety. Will is stay? Am I just fooling myself somehow? Will it actually address my core issues that lead me to consider ctb?

It's a weird mixed feeling.

 

[praythestars]

Nothing and relief. Feeling nothing makes me feel relieved. It's not a bad feeling at all. I'm still able to find things amusing and laugh and things like, but I can't seem to care about anything and that's nice.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

I feel guilt and sadness that I cannot help the few friends I have since their biggest problems are completely out of my control. I am an emotional sponge and I always feel like I'm not doing enough for them. I want them to know they're deeply cared about but when I tell them that in those words it still feels like I'm not getting the message across effectively. I wish for them nothing but endless happiness and tranquility. I wish I could take all their pain into myself and then die so the suffering is wiped away forever. I don't want to exist anyways, two birds one stone.

Nothing and relief. Feeling nothing makes me feel relieved. It's not a bad feeling at all. I'm still able to find things amusing and laugh and things like, but I can't seem to care about anything and that's nice.

This is perfectly describes how I feel when I'm disassociated. It is blissful, finally feeling nothing after the constant turmoil and mental noise. I wish I could always feel like that. Thankfully in the past few weeks I've disassociated for several hours almost every day.

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

It gets very tiresome after two years of having to do this over and over again, which led me to this place. I'm not sure how much more I can tolerate. Actually, I'm trying to put myself back together again after having fallen yet again when my dad had a stroke and passed away.

Totally feel that. I also have been dealing with this burden for years. It never quite stops, does it? I truly wish you my deepest condolences even if those may just sound like mere words to you now.
Do you have a happiest memory with your dad that you would like to share, if not then definitely still keep it close to your heart.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hello everyone.

It's been a while since I last visited here.

Well... I'm still alive.
Still suicidal, anxious, and depressed.

I found a new psychiatrist, and she prescribed me a different antidepressant. (Sertraline)

I've been taking it for almost six months now.

What can I say... the depression hasn't gotten any lighter, but overall, I've become calmer.
It's as if it's become easier to think.

I have a little more physical energy.
And another thing I like about the effect of sertraline is that I've become more decisive and calm in planning ctb.
(Of course, I don't tell the doctor about that.)

I hope to catch the bus soon.

 

[Unlucky777]

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I started ketamine therapy last week and it's been helpful. I'm unsure of how it will pan out in the long run. Having this feeling creates a little anxiety. Will is stay? Am I just fooling myself somehow? Will it actually address my core issues that lead me to consider ctb?

It's a weird mixed feeling.

I've been on ketamine therapy for over two months now and it does help long term. For people with trauma history, I hear talk therapy works really well in conjunction with ketamine. For me talk therapy doesn't help but try it if you feel like talk therapy helps

Totally feel that. I also have been dealing with this burden for years. It never quite stops, does it? I truly wish you my deepest condolences even if those may just sound like mere words to you now.
Do you have a happiest memory with your dad that you would like to share, if not then definitely still keep it close to your heart.

Thanks

I think the happiest memory would be all of last year all the chess games we used to play while he was in rehab and I was visiting him every day after his strokes he suffered. I didn't really used to play chess at all but I started playing with him when he was in rehab to keep his mind working because he had alzheimers. I was terrible at first but I learned from playing against him daily. He would kick my ass all the time but then over time I actually got pretty decent at it.


Yeah it never stops, it seems. What keeps you going when you constantly feel burdened?

 

[Dejected 55]

Throat still better... but headache today for the first time and feeling woozy still and today have nausea and chills. I get symptoms out of order sometimes. I really don't like being nauseous. That is one of the worst feelings.

 

[amor.dor]

I think it doesn't matter what I say — the world will continue its course with me or without me. Even with the best intentions, every word will be carried away by the wind.

So I have nothing left to wait for. I'll tidy up my place, trim my hair a little, eat my favorite food… I don't think I have anything left to contribute. I don't feel any internal pain or distress anymore.
I hope my little flower stays well.I believe that one day she'll blossom, but I won't be here to see it.
Giving up on saying goodbye… It's better to slip out the back door without a sound, into the silence of the night.
But I ended up getting attached to someone I really want to help… I couldn't drink the poison because I still need to help her…
I feel completely resolved, but also torn… It's confusing.

 

[scordatura]

I can't tell what are my thoughts versus my reality. Which one is real? I can't tell what faces are friendly and what ones are threatening. I don't trust people. I feel scared.

 

[Unlucky777]

I hope to formulate my plan soon. I'm not sure what the plan will be or how I'm going to go about it but I want out. I just don't want to be here anymore.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

Qué puto coñazo es vivir.

 

[inkmage333]

If I died, I think only then I'd be truly happy

 

[Dejected 55]

Still had headache and nausea today... maybe slightly less than yesterday. Still not sleeping well with all the congestion overnight. Haven't eaten much the last couple of days... trying to keep ahead with liquids and water for hydration... but I did lose about 6 lbs yesterday so I might not have done a good job. Only thing worse than severe depression is being really sick and depressed and all alone.

 

[webb&flow]

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[Manaaja]

 

[Unlucky777]

Maybe if I go to Minnesota and fuck around with ICE agents and I will find out? Hmm .

 

[Dejected 55]

Maybe if I go to Minnesota and fuck around with ICE agents and I will find out? Hmm .

Somewhere there is lurking a horrible "ICE ICE Baby" song parody in the making... Meanwhile,

I think the worst of my illness is maybe over now. Seem to have little to no chills or fever or headache today for the first time in close to a week. Still congested and some coughing related to that. Still kind of weak, but not so much woozy. At some point during the night I must have felt noticeably better because I slept at one stretch for about 7 hours and felt a lot better after that. First time having more than a 1-2 hour sleep block in a while. The throat or the breathing or something was always waking me up over and over. So... soon... I'll be back to just normal depressed and miserable again... instead of depressed, miserable, and sick too. Yay?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Maybe if I go to Minnesota and fuck around with ICE agents and I will find out? Hmm .

I thought of that also.

Somewhere there is lurking a horrible "ICE ICE Baby" song parody in the making... Meanwhile,

I think the worst of my illness is maybe over now. Seem to have little to no chills or fever or headache today for the first time in close to a week. Still congested and some coughing related to that. Still kind of weak, but not so much woozy. At some point during the night I must have felt noticeably better because I slept at one stretch for about 7 hours and felt a lot better after that. First time having more than a 1-2 hour sleep block in a while. The throat or the breathing or something was always waking me up over and over. So... soon... I'll be back to just normal depressed and miserable again... instead of depressed, miserable, and sick too. Yay?