Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Lullaby]

(Random vent, totally feel free to ignore. Idk why my journal wasn't enough :\ you guys and this forum are the only ones who understand and don't judge.)

I feel like I love my parents, but I know I also have hate for them, too. They've contributed to so much of what I hate about myself, my life, and the trauma/PTSD I've been stuck with since I was a child.

I've also been really irritable lately and just seem to be annoyed with everyone. Everytime I feel guilty for becoming super reclusive and staying in the house, something happens that reminds me I'm better off alone.

I've just been staying inside with my cat, reading all day, and listening to music. I don't really care anymore about trying to make the life I wanted happen.

I honestly think if I magic had all the things I wanted tomorrow, I'd still be unhappy.

 

[darksouls]

when I was a child my mother sold my teddy bear.
supposedly because she needed money.
it had been there before I was born and always slept with me.
I inherited it from my sister who was twelve years older than me and did not want it anymore.
there was always money for alcohol and tobacco.
but taking away the teddy bear from the child

 

[Manaaja]

when I was a child my mother sold my teddy bear.
supposedly because she needed money.
it had been there before I was born and always slept with me.
I inherited it from my sister who was twelve years older than me and did not want it anymore.
there was always money for alcohol and tobacco.
but taking away the teddy bear from the child

My dumbass bitch mother didn't sell, she instead gave my toys away for free.

I have no love for any mother. All they can do is spread legs. Mothers should be locked away and kept faraway from children.

 

[Dejected 55]

Complete detachment from society, but not reality. I am woefully aware of how little I matter to anyone, especially the one person I wish most to matter to very much. The world hasn't just passed me by, it has lapped me... I have no place here, I'm not sure I even want a place here, certainly not alone as I always am. There is someone who could rescue me, but she will not... and I will hopefully die soon.

 

[itsgone2]

I really would like to ctb today. Like most days I've done little. Haven't dressed or showered. Barely any food. Still taking no pleasure in anything. I don't see me doing it and I can't see continuing to live my life either. Nothing else to say really. Just stuck.

 

[Manaaja]

Look under this spoiler:

Congratulations, you won the game!

I don't want to get self-banned, but I really want to stop using this site for a while. Because writing about things doesn't help. No one has ever won the game by writing about the game or reviewing the game.

 

[Bowerbird]

i want to be with her but i can't

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

324 days until ctb, and it's too long, I wish time would skip ahead, or for the ideal circumstance to appear earlier

 

[SunnySideSummer]

I feel weird , 50% less sad than usual

 

[FadingSnowFake]

So defeated and sad, even my physical health is starting to decline. All of this was just so unnecessary, why oh why are we here to be broken and die.

 

[Dejected 55]

I weird almost tranquility washed over me at some point yesterday as I realized... I could get a miracle and have my dream fulfilled and live the life I always wanted OR I can die alone, in a few weeks... and I'm equally comfortable with either outcome. While I want one much more, of course, I will not be unhappy with either fate, accepting them as truth in the moment.

 

[westerly_merlin]

I had a kind word from someone I work with, it meant so much I teared up.

Strange how one act of kindness can stop you spiralling down and give you a little lift

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Displaced, I can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be here. Feel like a glitch.

 

[R-7]

Once again it's another night where things are getting to me.

Crying, isolating, just laying in bed etc. stuff like that. I also just laid down in my closet with the lights off for a few minutes just to simulate feeling 'nothing'.

 

[sukiduki]

being a side character in your own life sucks

 

[Grog]

I feel like throwing up because I'm so sad. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

[Dejected 55]

being a side character in your own life sucks

I wish I were a side-character... I'm just an extra in the background who says "peas and carrots" over and over to simulate existence.

 

[Dejected 55]

I tossed a metaphorical grenade into things a little bit ago. Who knows what that will stir up. I'm being intentionally vague. It's just, I'm out of ideas... this is one that I probably shouldn't have tried, but I did because I wanted to and I am at the end of things so long-term consequences really aren't my thing anymore. If nothing works, then all I have is short-term... if something works, then any fallout could be handled over time. But now I'm anxious, waiting to see what ripples form in the water.

edit: And it didn't take long to start backfiring. Not entirely unexpected, but in the manner it unfolded a little bit of a surprise. But no matter. I'm used to disappointment and failure and a knack for doing the wrong thing in the moment. I am now in a bit of a daze though, feeling like I am way back deep behind my eyes looking out in the distance through the eyeholes into the light of the world as if I am so very far away, hidden, untouched directly by reality but touched very deeply by the absence of any real connection to anyone or anything.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I love my family; they love me, but I wish they had mercy-killed me. I'm so tired of being me. I'm tired of being an autistic r*tard. Euthanasia would be an act of kindness and relieve everyone of the burden of my stupid fucking existence. I've prayed for this for over ten years, and I still wish for it. Please. Please. Fucking please kill me. Please. Please. Please. Please. I don't want this to be the rest of my existence.

Damn my creation.

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel like I'm almost ready to go now. I hope I make it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I am the losingest loser that ever lost. I tried to die hours ago... I didn't die. I don't know what to do now. I was so ready... I was so proud of myself for preparing and following through and making the attempt... I was nervous and hands shaking uncontrollably but I did it... I made the attempt... and it didn't go how I'd imagined. Unforeseen complications that I couldn't overcome. I wanted so much to be dead... I thought I was so close... and I failed. I was very scared of this for months... what happens if I try and fail and I don't have another easy option? I don't know what to do. I was so ready and I tried my best... and I failed, just like I've failed at life. Now I failed at death too. How can I fail at life and death? Why can't anything ever go right for me? I am so miserable and now on top of all that, I know I failed at dying... I don't have a backup... I don't know what to do.

 

[R-7]

I do not know when or how I'll do it but tonight is one of those nights I may have taken care of it if I had the means.

I don't feel very good.

 

[Eternal Disaster]

I feel like a failure, like I have lost everything, complete loser. I can't stop hating myself. My future is terrible and I am dreading it. People around me are going ahead and I am being dragged backwards into darkness.

 

[PeopleAreCruel]

Defeated and scared. If I don't die soon I will be tortured. I hope I'm able to find a way out soon.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Satisfied. My therapist (and my mother) gave me a birthday message. It feels like my birth has some meanings or purposes right now. Even if I finally have to choose CTB, I'm truly happy with being born thanks to this moment.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

prolifers are annoying, and I don't want to be near them anymore, I wanna make my own peace

 

[itsgone2]

Numb. No anxiety pain today. But so tired. My brain needs rest so bad.

 

[dissociation]

I'm relieved because I finally got discharged from the psychiatry today after 10 weeks.

 

[Manaaja]

How insults from the first group feel like: "You drive a pink bicycle? Awww! You gay? Are you gonna take your boyfriend on a date on it? Haha! *pets hair* Anyway, do you wanna come and play playstation with me? I bought the new Fifa!"


How insults from the second group feel like "I didn't read what you wrote, but I'm sure you are actually a racist, misogynist, homophobe who hates poor people! I'm first gonna block you! Now, I'm now gonna cast a spell which makes everyone see you as Hitler and I'm gonna make everyone curse your name for all eternity!!! Shame on you, how dare you! Look everyone, how evil this man is! Everyone, hate him! Don't you dare try to defend yourself! You know everyone hates you and you should be ashamed of yourself! I bet you kick puppies! I know you are a dirty cockroach! You probably have a small penis and you suck at sex! And I can just imagine your neckbeard and balding head! No woman will ever want you! I hope you stay away from children! Mods, ban him! Army, help me, damsel in distress!".

The first group can be annoying, but I fucking hate the second group so much.

 

[Irisse]

Why why why why wasn't I brave enough to report a guy who groped me on the bus today, I think he even took a picture of me because I heard the camera click once. I am ugly and 200lbs and I wore jeans, a long sleeved shirt and a black hoodie over it. I know that it wouldn't have been right even if I were buck naked but still. Everyone was asleep because it was in a period between 1 and 4am and one of the drivers was asleep and positioned in a way that blocked me from moving towards the other driver who was awake. I was afraid of getting laughed at because of my weight and looking hysterical. I only told one lady who let me sit with her but didn't bother otherwise. I'm such a coward.