Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Promised Heaven]

I don't like using the word "trigger" to describe myself, but I essentially triggered a reaction within myself when trying to explain something to someone (abuse) and panicking internally. Literally, helping someone to prevent them from being hurt the way I was, and because of the hurt I felt I'm mentally reliving it. This is entirely my fault. I hope I was able to help them so I never have to feel this again.

 

[Mocha]

I'm fuckin tired man.

 

[Cavalcade]

I've been feeling more like myself as of late, (having turned the corner on burnout, fingers crossed) and the more that that holds to be true: the more I'm realizing how fucking terrible of an influence the people around me during basically the worst year of my life had on me. Like, diabolically so. It's as if I'm able to look back at the whole last while with clearer eyes, now that I'm not literally on death's doorstep while dealing with my brother's near death experience and the horrific cavalcade of surgeries and post operational recoveries. Genuinely, if they had not interacted with met all, or not been a part of my life: it would have been exponentially better than what they did, holy fuck. The level of cruelty is unbelievable.

Good to leave that all behind, though it is disjointed and a bit weird sometimes to have so ruthlessly curated and trimmed away at my social circles. Strange, striking out on my own- but it's been a good experience, so far. I've been enjoying socializing with new people- and joined a new hobbyist group that I'm excited for. I'm introverted, so my threshold of social interactions required to feel satisfied is very low: a single conversation can tide me over for quite a while, and I've been actually having that met now that I've been putting myself out there and reaching out. Feels nice. The group I've joined holds structured events, and I've been craving that sort of externalized consistency, so that's great. Changed around some supplementation I've been doing, and I've been feeling more alive, too- that's what happens when you finally get enough iron in you to not have gums the literal color of your skin from their depleted pallor.

Hopefully spring continues to be kind. I've been kind of surprised with myself, really. But it's fantastic that things are going better- even if I know I'll have to reckon with the betrayal and hurt from 2024 in therapy in the Fall.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Summer vibes.
Was warm today, beautiful weather, I biked more than 50kms.. Feels nice, but definitely just recovering now.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Friend in Korea invited me to a drawing group chat stream, was fun and made me draw as well ~
Now to sleep because I am so wasted after all the biking today, and tomorrow I plan on at least 40km, so need that good sleep.

Feeling like I am on some sort of tranquilizer rn ngl. Very comforting and relaxing. ^w^

 

[Promised Heaven]

I'm trying to find hope, but all I do is push people away.

I'm mentally tired, physically awake. On potent prescription drugs for my severe inflammation, yet I still feel pain.

Hopelessly wandering in a world where I'm told I matter without proof to follow, just so people can say "I tried" if I end up CTBing to minimize their own guilt. We're too busy and stressed amongst ourselves to help others in the way we want to be treated. Almost a year of internal inflammation, constant sexual abuse, no real life stable and authentic support, might relaspe on drugs, got a method I tested again last night, and the inability to speak any of it to anyone in fear of being hospitalized because I have to walk on eggshells just to be myself for five minutes...

...do I even matter at all?

 

[bigsad123]

numb

 

[TrulyCursed]

empty

 

[Seaghost]

Had a BBQ with good people but it has drawn so much power. And the next problem is my mind and body where slowly started to ging crazy when I drank ONE glass of Gin Tonic. At the moment I'm having some micro dissociations and my body got a boost of my anit imune problems. And parts

 

[22yearsbroken]

Sleep deprived .. despite taking all my meds a nd a boat load vodka head running wild spinng in circles feels like ive got 3000 penquins bouncin round my skull ... all of them of LCD

 

[missedmybus]

Grey.

But this time slighlty drunk so not complaining

 

[Seaghost]

Had a BBQ with good people but it has drawn so much power.
And the other problems started when I was having ONE glass of Gin Tonic. At the moment I was having some micro dissociations and my body got a boost of my anti imune problems. And parts of my skin are feeling electrified or ants running over it.
It seems Alcohol is getting a bigger trigger over time. I never was a big drinker or had problems with alc but since three years its getting worse if I only have maximum of three oder four drinks. Im drinking alcohol two or three tines a year.
But now...it scares me having one drink and my body and mind are gonne freak out :/.
It's ok - happily I don't need alcohol but what comes next????

 

[onthefence]

Please please please someone tell me I can go.

 

[MarchFog]

Like I'm tired.
I just spent an hour hearing about how miserable I make my husband. Ten days from today will make two years since my daughter died. I feel small, useless, annoying, like bother, like I should paint the walls.
I feel distant, isolated, alone.
I feel like I trust no one.

 

[CTB Dream]

me no want sty this awfl wrld all pain sffr nostp

 

[mysticatedwine]

stupid dumb sad day likely to end on a good note

 

[22yearsbroken]

Worry. And heart ache and pain.. i miss my daughter and wish she knew i existed .
And today always sucks .. its the 3 year mark of the funeral of probably the greatest person and awsone friend i ever had the pleasure of knowing..

Life fucking sucks ass

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

TW: Content may be considered disturbing or triggering

As ridiculous as intrusive thoughts may be, I'm glad they stay intrusive. When I see police or security personnel, I have these brief thoughts: "Grab their gun—shoot yourself in the head! It's right there!"

My demeanor and appearance are disarming enough that they wouldn't suspect me of doing so. We can all agree, however, that this is a trembling, transient yearning that is not only foolish but also pointless (suicide by cop is neither a quick guarantee nor a desirable option). It reminds me of watching the train arrive at the station when I'm waiting in the subway. I consider jumping, but I soon see that the train isn't moving at the best speed for a speedy demise. Furthermore, I don't believe it would be fair to let everyone else experience the consequences of my suicidal ideation. As much as possible, I would like to reduce any trauma that my dying might create.

 

[set0553]

Feeling OK atm.. found some new friends online and thinking more positively. I don't expect it to last very long (like usual) but enjoying the moment for a change.

 

[steel-and-glass]

Like if no one touches me, I'll fade to nothing, but if someone touches me, I'll turn to ash.

Steel

 

[set0553]

TW: Content may be considered disturbing or triggering

As ridiculous as intrusive thoughts may be, I'm glad they stay intrusive. When I see police or security personnel, I have these brief thoughts: "Grab their gun—shoot yourself in the head! It's right there!"

My demeanor and appearance are disarming enough that they wouldn't suspect me of doing so. We can all agree, however, that this is a trembling, transient yearning that is not only foolish but also pointless (suicide by cop is neither a quick guarantee nor a desirable option). It reminds me of watching the train arrive at the station when I'm waiting in the subway. I consider jumping, but I soon see that the train isn't moving at the best speed for a speedy demise. Furthermore, I don't believe it would be fair to let everyone else experience the consequences of my suicidal ideation. As much as possible, I would like to reduce any trauma that my dying might create.

Same here. Whichever choice I make, I wanna reduce trauma to my family. It would already be bad enough to see for them, so I try to think of a way to be considerate as possible of their feelings.

 

[Forveleth]

Was very depressed and dissociated yesterday so I barely got anything done. Still feel kind of hazy this morning but I am going to try to be productive today!

 

[Menilunai]

Stressed and lost.

 

[Manaaja]

Gonna post this here too:

Remember how I talked about the abusive nearly-deaf father of mine who tortures everyone by being extremely loud and listening to tv at max volume all day long so there's no quiet spot in the house where to sleep, relax, study, work or focus? Well, I have been praying he'd go fully deaf so he'd stop listening to things at max volume. My prayer was basically "Please, make him completely deaf immediately so he can't abuse and torture us anymore with his bad hearing". I just found out he's going blind very slowly. At that point I wanted to smash the universe to pieces. Complete opposite of what I wanted, it smells like pure trolling, sadism, evil. I feel so defeated, weak and lost. I have no energy for this.

 

[Unrecognizable7]

shame, anxiety

 

[Halfhourdays]

Reality is so surreal and so boring at the same time.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I asked for help from a family member to look at something in Word and the site URL popped up. Jesus fuck; fucking shit. Please let them forget that. PLEASE!

 

[leloyon]

I just feel so utterly disconnected from everything. It feels like if someone looked in my eyes they'd just see nothing. I feel dead.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Just had a bit of a cry thinking about my late partner. Still trying not to think about him too much, it's a kick in the gut. Nothing a cup of tea can't fix, I guess. Feeling quite at peace with my choice to CTB in the very near future. I'm now wondering which photo my mum will use for my funeral... So desperate for it to happen already.

 

[blueskied_anclear]

i am punished for not living up to the basic standards you need to live up to in order to exist as a functioning member of society in this world, as if i chose to exist, as if i ever insinuated i felt emotionally capable of living up to those standards, when i didn't and i do not