Venting What am i really looking for?

[Tinxxx]

What do i want by continuing all this stuff? What lacks in me so desperately?

Have no idea.
Such an irony that i was barely alive from non-suicidal selfharm(didnt mean to commit suicide), while i couldnt do anything at the moment when i wanted to kill myself, scared of pain, death etc.

I hurt so bad my family. I wonder if i get satisfied from breaking their hearts

 

[Deleted member 17949]

There isn't always a reason. Sometimes people are just living because nothing has pushed them to die and some things mildly interest them, and that can be fine.