notevenhere
Ghost Angel
- Apr 27, 2023
- 146
where do i even begin? so, i live with abusive parents and they're not letting me out. not letting me eat. threatening to take me back to ncmh (Google the horrors, you can't even find a patient detailing what they went through, I think we signed waivers so no info of the abuse gets leaked out but they have a Wikipedia page and 2 articles. a video of Tulfo on YouTube inspecting the mental hospital. a patient even said it's better to be in an actual prison than there. I can't say much, just what's in public.)
would a family that loves you chip away at your soul like that?
besides the point, something went down yesterday. I was in the car, it got physical. my mom wanting me dead, my brother who i love and care for, spouting so much vitriol when he told me to shut the fuck up. i want revenge. i want anger. but all i feel is hurt. and i should just disappear. my own boyfriend can't understand me and he's on fucking sasu, too. im really, really, really thinking of ending my life. wow.
we were in the car and i was video calling him, tellling him to record the phone call/facetime.
i was sobbing uncontrollably. and i was pleading for him to never forget this version of me. because if i get put back to ncmh. it's two weeks of actual hell. or is. actual. hell. I will come out of it without my soul anymore. they took all my self value confidence etc even if i manage to escape my parents abuse, what then? how do you even. the YEARS OF TRAUMA. THE WHOLE TWO DECADES OF TRAUMA. HAVING TO UNLEARN IT WILL TAKE ME TO 50 YEARS OLD AND THAT'S EVEN IF I HAVE MONEY.
this life has done nothing for me. this is a shitty life. no one should experience this. i wish one of my family members die instead of me. i don't deserve this treatment. at all.
and now, my partner has accepted and even grieved already if i do drink the SN poison.
maybe i will. just need to arrange everything. need to have a plan. i need to die at a hotel room. no one will know my location. they can't stop me. I'm an adult.
would a family that loves you chip away at your soul like that?
besides the point, something went down yesterday. I was in the car, it got physical. my mom wanting me dead, my brother who i love and care for, spouting so much vitriol when he told me to shut the fuck up. i want revenge. i want anger. but all i feel is hurt. and i should just disappear. my own boyfriend can't understand me and he's on fucking sasu, too. im really, really, really thinking of ending my life. wow.
we were in the car and i was video calling him, tellling him to record the phone call/facetime.
i was sobbing uncontrollably. and i was pleading for him to never forget this version of me. because if i get put back to ncmh. it's two weeks of actual hell. or is. actual. hell. I will come out of it without my soul anymore. they took all my self value confidence etc even if i manage to escape my parents abuse, what then? how do you even. the YEARS OF TRAUMA. THE WHOLE TWO DECADES OF TRAUMA. HAVING TO UNLEARN IT WILL TAKE ME TO 50 YEARS OLD AND THAT'S EVEN IF I HAVE MONEY.
this life has done nothing for me. this is a shitty life. no one should experience this. i wish one of my family members die instead of me. i don't deserve this treatment. at all.
and now, my partner has accepted and even grieved already if i do drink the SN poison.
maybe i will. just need to arrange everything. need to have a plan. i need to die at a hotel room. no one will know my location. they can't stop me. I'm an adult.
