After so many failed attempts, I now believe we don't decide when we go either. I'm a Christian also btw. I think you can try all you want but God is the ultimate decider of when you will go. I've kinda found a little peace in believing I'm still here because there are lessons I need to learn. Everyday, he is giving me another opportunity to build a stronger relationship with him. I think if my plans were successful, perhaps I'd be in hell right now. I still struggle, but all I can do is try to wait for a natural death now.