Venting watching people around you ctb and wishing you were gone too

[sweet_oblivion]

Two people I knew have committed in the last few weeks. One of them I hadn't seen in a few years, and the other I was friends with but not close. After the initial sadness all I felt was envy. Having to watch my parents' shock at how anyone could do that to themselves, their sadness and disbelief might have been the hardest thing. Having to sit there and act as if I hadn't arranged a detailed plan to do the same and that these deaths have only postponed it. So now I'm just sat here wondering how life could be so fucking ironic that the day I planned to ctb was the day that it was announced that the first person had committed.

Being a suicidal mourner of a suicide feels hypocritical and wrong, like I miss them both but unlike the people around me I understand why they did it. Most of all I just wish I was dead too, the thought of ctb was my only motivation for months and now the day has passed, I'm still here and I'm completely lost.

 

[thedaywillcome]

Yes yes yes, I am always envy when I read about a completed suicide.

 

[luke_skywalker]

Can u elaborate more about the details how your parent reacted over your friends death?

 

[sweet_oblivion]

Can u elaborate more about the details how your parent reacted over your friends death?

Well they aren't exactly pro-choice about these kind of things and they were mostly shocked and horrified about the whole thing, kept repeating "how could anyone do that to themselves" as if the idea was just completely unimaginable to them. idk that's probably the norm now that I think about it, I think I've just become desensitised to stuff like that. They were obviously sad for the person and their family as well, saying about how their family would be broken and destroyed.
After the second person committed they were even more so shocked and horrified, one suicide was unimaginable but two in such a short time frame was even more horrendous to them. I'm not sure if they thought it was selfish of them to cbt (they never explicitly said but the way they spoke about the irreversible damage to the families made me think they might).

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that non suicidal people will never be able to understand as they are not suicidal themselves. I also envy those that are gone as non existence is what I want the most. When I am dead I will be incapable of suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Worndown]

You cannot exactly celebrate their passing. You can feel glad that whatever burdens they were bearing are no longer a problem.

 

[ornitier199]

Thing is I don't have people around me ctb. So I'm all alone on this decision in my location. making it so much harder to even talk anymore irl. I've gone mute nearly outside.

 

[wanttodie]

yes and yes