Wanting to die badly until

[rabbithole]

It comes to the act of killing myself. Suddenly I forget every reason that I want to die. It's some stupid self preservation tactic. I feel most suicidal when I first wake up and reality settles back in...so I hope to take advantage of that someday when I have time alone.

I also just downed another half a gram of sn (I know @Aap is annoyed, I'm sorry man) in a sort of half assed gesture. Not for anyone but myself to see if I can overcome hesitation and just do something that my body and mind are telling me not to do. Like overriding the SI. even though it's not the same as an actual attempt it still feels scary to ingest poison.

 

[WornOutLife]

SI is certainly a b**ch !
I hope I can CTB properly next year.

Wish you the best, my dear rabbit.

 

[rabbithole]

I was bullied badly for a decade for my appearance. I became very paranoid about going out and would sit in parking lots for hours unable to go into a store. Then on 9/16/19 I went for a lumbar puncture and it literally ruined my life. A life that just started to get better - I had my first boyfriend at 27 and I was happy. Then just because I had a headache I had an LP done and it was botched. I now have arachnoiditis and cauda equina syndrome. I'm really done with life now. It's over anyway. I'm a fucking loser and now I'm disabled. I hate the woman that ruined my life. I'm trying to sue but malpractice is next to impossible to prove.

 

[Nymph]

Did your body respond to the SN in any way?

And yeah SI sucks, I plan on taking a lot of benzos before i ctb so that I'm a bit loopy and stuff. Im 100% I wanna do it but with SI it's just impossible, so if you're sure that you want to leave this world, maybe you could try this or alcohol/weed...

 

[rabbithole]

SI is certainly a b**ch !
I hope I can CTB properly next year.

Wish you the best, my dear rabbit.

Thank you <3

si is definitely that. You're positive you want to die but something is whispering...things will change, it'll get better, just stick around a little longer. Nothing is going to change though. Day after day my mind is cloudy with deep depression and horrific anxiety. Sometimes I think i should stick around just so I don't hurt my parents and because if i die I won't feel the relief anyway - like I won't get to know I'm at peace. But I literally suffer all day while conscious...truly. Until I sleep and occasionally my dog or cat will make me smile a little.
Okay sorry I'm done ranting. Lol.

Did your body respond to the SN in any way?

And yeah SI sucks, I plan on taking a lot of benzos before i ctb so that I'm a bit loopy and stuff. Im 100% I wanna do it but with SI it's just impossible, so if you're sure that you want to leave this world, maybe you could try this or alcohol/weed...

Yeah I also plan to take some Xanax. Are you planning on sn?

last time I drank .6 grams (and I mixed it with cucumber lime smartwater and it actually almost tastes good so that's something?) and I got a light headache and nausea. Not enough to puke and didn't last long...about an hour. I wish I was home alone and could make a real attempt.