just woke up. the only way I can sleep is to dive deep into my most horrible, violent thoughts. whole scenarios played out in my head. I would never do them, I know I wouldn't. but they help calm me down, it gives me a sense of control. I cant sleep if I dont. its so calming. I do want to commit suicide though. if I don't get this shitty job that pays 18 an hour, I think I'm gonna sell some things to crash out for a week, get really high off of whatever I can, maybe dig some fucking holes, get lost in nature, smoke a shit ton of nicotine, eat like shit, give away some things and then get some morphine or heroin to od on. I'll definitely die off of it since I've never done anything except weed and shrooms. I don't have any friends irl or online, I peaked socially at 16 when I had 7 friends now Im and 18 I feel so isolated. I never leave the house except for at night sometimes.
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